*WARNING* My sperm is extremely fattening
Some of you may remember that a few weeks ago I found the girl I lost my virginity to on FaceBook. She still looked really pretty and lovely and nice, her cute little chin dimple looked as sweet as ever, so I contacted her and we agreed to go out for a drink last week.

Her FaceBook pictures were all from the waist up. Poor, lovely, lovely Jade was trying to hide the fact that she has now got an arse that looks like a couple of watermelons trying to burst their way out of a denim prison.
Worse still, yesterday I bumped into the last girl I slept with before getting with my Mrs, and she too has swollen up like a balloon filled with sausagemeat.

So, what I want to know is, why does this make me feel strangely proud?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 9:30, 108 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

The horror of not being your girlfriend anymore has made them comfort eat.
It's the only explanation.
( girlinthehole, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 9:32, Reply)

They both have boyfriends who are more than my equal
but I'm proud that I got there before they ruined themselves with pie
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 9:33, Reply)

It's the ruin of many of us : (

( girlinthehole, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 9:35, Reply)

Any chance we could get it on
before you're completely ravaged by pie?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 9:35, Reply)

I was ravaged by pie but not any more.
We've plenty of time.
( girlinthehole, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 9:36, Reply)

Spoilsport

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 9:37, Reply)

Hairy Pie?

(Cancer Joy was short lived, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 9:41, Reply)

because you want your ex partners to be unhappy
because you're a piece of shit.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 9:34, Reply)

They were both perfectly happy with their size
although I do like your explanation
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 9:35, Reply)

I've never met a woman who's "perfectly happy with their size"

(PsychoChomp, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 9:36, Reply)

True
but they seemed happy enough, both have boyfriends and are doing perfectly well for themselves.

They just need to get down the gym
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 9:36, Reply)

are you?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 9:41, Reply)

No, but I'm not a woman you old cunt

(PsychoChomp, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 9:43, Reply)

jumping on the old man bandwagon eh?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 9:46, Reply)

You didn't have an issue with it
but you will by the end of the week!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 27 Oct 2009, 9:47, Reply)

He'll have forgotten all about it by then
WON'T YOU, DEAR? YES, THAT'S RIGHT, HAVE A NICE CUP OF TEA
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 9:48, Reply)

He wont remember this conversation by the end of the week.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 9:49, Reply)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 9:49, Reply)

Great minds
etc
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 27 Oct 2009, 9:50, Reply)

Weak minds, more like

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 9:50, Reply)

fools
etc
(PsychoChomp, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 9:50, Reply)

STOP IT

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 9:50, Reply)

Hahahaha
This is real comedy gold here!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 27 Oct 2009, 9:53, Reply)

Cunt
*waits*

.....
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 9:57, Reply)

Hehe
Its what the badge on my profile says!
*also waits*
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 27 Oct 2009, 9:58, Reply)

Our psychic connection has been broken
you jinxed it with your 'comedy gold' shenanigans
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:00, Reply)

Sorry I was sending a gaz

(PsychoChomp, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:02, Reply)

No you weren't!

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:04, Reply)

Oh well
it was fun while it lasted!

*shenanigans*
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:02, Reply)

dum-du-dum-dum-du-du-dum-dum
*surfs*
*drinks guinness*
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:01, Reply)

hey, I may have Alzheimer's
but at least I don't have Alzheimer's
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 9:51, Reply)

loloollololoololololoololollipop, lollipop, oh lolly lollypop...
*pop*

Badum-dum-dum
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 9:52, Reply)

you've been bouncing on the "I'm a girl" bandwagon for weeks.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 9:47, Reply)

You mean you're not?
Then why the hell have we been flirting?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 9:50, Reply)

something to do with your repressed homosexuality.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 9:52, Reply)

It's not repressed, it's outrageous
and it's not that I'm gay, I'm just not fussy
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 9:53, Reply)

this is very true

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 9:51, Reply)

According to Amorous Badger I'm a guy and I embrace my sexual ambiguity.

( girlinthehole, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 9:52, Reply)

That's nice dear, cup of tea?
I said CUP OF TEA, DEAR?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 9:53, Reply)

he's a nurse, he should know.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 9:54, Reply)

I'm very open about these things.

( girlinthehole, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 9:54, Reply)

Half past six I think.

( girlinthehole, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 9:54, Reply)

THAT'S A GOOD GIRL
NOW PUT YOUR TEETH IN AND FETCH THE CAT.

NO DEAR, I SAID FETCH
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 9:58, Reply)

But you always prefer it with my teeth out.

( girlinthehole, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:05, Reply)

I know
I haven't even come this morning, I'm getting so old
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:08, Reply)

Hehehehe

(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 27 Oct 2009, 9:46, Reply)

quiet you!

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 9:52, Reply)

You love it

(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 27 Oct 2009, 9:54, Reply)

you wish
or something...
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 9:57, Reply)

You're not even trying
anymore are you?
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:03, Reply)

He's not had his nap yet today.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:04, Reply)

+py changed

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:04, Reply)

you're trying enough for both of us
;-)
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:05, Reply)

Yeah
See you said that the other week... *yawns*
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:10, Reply)

are you keeping notes?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:13, Reply)

No
I can just remember what happened last week!

(oh you walked into that one)
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:15, Reply)

walked into it with open eyes
predictability is not something that you get castigated for on b3ta is it?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:18, Reply)

Castigated?
Its too eary in the morning for such words!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:20, Reply)

too nosy as well
and possibly mouthy
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:24, Reply)

Hehe
Its clearly too early for proof reading too! :D
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:30, Reply)

Stop flirting, you two
it's making me sick.

Go and flirt in your own thread, or at least gaz so that DiT doesn't see
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:15, Reply)

You're only upset
Because you're not involved!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:19, Reply)

yeah!
and the risk of DiT seeing is what makes it so exciting.

and he's too busy being Al to notice anyway
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:19, Reply)

Exhunctly!

(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:20, Reply)

It's true
Vipros never flirts with me, no matter how hard I try to impress him

*flexes*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:20, Reply)

Aww
He notices, hes just playing hard to get!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:21, Reply)

He'll certainly get it hard

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:22, Reply)

I'm not playing
I am hard to get. you've got to work for it.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:23, Reply)

I'll buy you a packet of Frisps
and some werthers originals if you suck my cock
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:24, Reply)

Oh Frisps
Yummers!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:25, Reply)

hmmmm, frisps....
not had those in a while.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:26, Reply)

So that's a yes?

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:26, Reply)

hang on
I didn't read what I was supposed to be doing for this price...

it'll take more than that I'm afraid
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:29, Reply)

I'll give you a yoyo
and take you to the fair this weekend
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:31, Reply)

Oooh
You're feisty!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:31, Reply)

I'm beginning to think the old fella's not worth it

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:32, Reply)

that's because you haven't sampled the goods
and with an attitude like that you never will.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:33, Reply)

*gives up*

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:37, Reply)

you knows it
*high fives*
*low fives*
*in the middle fives*
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:34, Reply)

want a bucket for retching into?
/proffers
(Poppet some assembly required., Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:24, Reply)

Yes pease
How you doing Poppet?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:25, Reply)

Yeah I'm allright ta love.
Studying madly for exams but needed a break so here I am. :)
(Poppet some assembly required., Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:28, Reply)

Ah.....
I've told you before, don't work too hard
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:29, Reply)

Yeah yeah yeah.
I know. I'm being good. /swears.
(Poppet some assembly required., Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:30, Reply)

You've all gone too far right
so I'm moving over here
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:25, Reply)

aww I didn't like seeing that lone little post.
/waves.
(Poppet some assembly required., Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:29, Reply)

When things go too far over that way >>>
I don't like it :C
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:30, Reply)

why not?
it's only the right hand side.
(Poppet some assembly required., Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:32, Reply)

Because I have to scroll up and down, side to side, round and round and back again
IT MAKEE NO SENSE
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:33, Reply)

I concur

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:33, Reply)

You would

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:36, Reply)

ahhh fair enough.
settle petal. Don't get your knickers in a knot. You fixed the problem by starting a new threadstring.
(Poppet some assembly required., Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:35, Reply)

Because I'm the best

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:37, Reply)

/nods and smiles.
yup.
(Poppet some assembly required., Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:38, Reply)

You're second after me then
These other two are a poor imitation
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:42, Reply)

second after you in terms of what exactly??
:S
(Poppet some assembly required., Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:49, Reply)

Bestness

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:49, Reply)

Oh.
Well that's allright then. :)
(Poppet some assembly required., Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:50, Reply)

2nd Bestness though, mind

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:53, Reply)

that's okay.
I don't mind that at all.
(Poppet some assembly required., Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:54, Reply)

It's still an awesome factor of 92 trillion

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 11:06, Reply)

the +a +a
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:39, Reply)

I'm a besta?

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:41, Reply)

beast
that one required a bit of thought I guess
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:45, Reply)

I know
I was being hilarious as usual
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:49, Reply)

I don't know how I missed that

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:52, Reply)

Senility?

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:53, Reply)

more than likely

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 10:57, Reply)