Morning all.
Shittest weekend in living memory. Hounded and abused by text continually by the mother of my child culminating in her cancelling my visit. By 4pm yesterday I was crashing round my flat having drunk two bottles of red wine, and by 5pm I was in bed.

Cheer me up you cunts.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 2 Nov 2009, 9:26, 39 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I went surfing yesterday
got to the end of one good wave quite close to the shore. It's always fun to dismount in a comedy way so I did a two footed drop kick. Turns out I was in about 6 inches of water, over a stony beach. Landed on my hip and now have a cluster of bruises. What a dumb ass.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 2 Nov 2009, 9:30, Reply)

I was going to say 'unlucky, mate'
but in truth it was rather foolish, wasn't it. Sorry you hurt yourself, though.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 2 Nov 2009, 9:34, Reply)

it was foolish
and my own fault for not paying attention. however, I'd rather I hurt myself than the other option which was grinding my surfboard across a stony beach under my weight.

Didn't hurt all that much too, and it was a fucking good wave :-)

I'm being offered a nice yamaha 12 string for £175 at the moment. I really want it, but I really shouldn't buy it....
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 2 Nov 2009, 9:40, Reply)

acoustic?
I used to have one - my friend swapped it with a tramp for a 4-pack of Special Brew and I in turn paid him an eighth of shit hash for it. One of my better purchases, that one.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 2 Nov 2009, 9:49, Reply)

yeah
it's got a preamp and stuff. Think it's got stereo outputs as well so you can send half the strings to one output and half to another
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 2 Nov 2009, 10:01, Reply)

Sounds pretty smart

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 2 Nov 2009, 10:04, Reply)

they are nice guitars
other guitarist in my band has one already. I do quite fancy it, but I really shouldn't buy it.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 2 Nov 2009, 10:13, Reply)

How much are they new?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 2 Nov 2009, 10:24, Reply)

in the region of £400 I think

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 2 Nov 2009, 10:28, Reply)

sorry bout the rug rat
but the wine coma sounds ace!

rafter
baz
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Mon 2 Nov 2009, 9:35, Reply)

That was the only good bit
They were both bottles of a really good Malbec I was saving for steaks, which is a shame - I'd have drunk drain cleaner if it had a percentage.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 2 Nov 2009, 9:37, Reply)

Best sticking to the
Gran Reserva Drain Cleaner, i always find it a lot easier to keep down.

Sorry to hear about your insane ex...can't you hound her back, with the law at your side?
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Mon 2 Nov 2009, 9:43, Reply)

I'm going to the filth tonight
I've had 9 texts already today - it's just too much.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 2 Nov 2009, 9:47, Reply)

seriously?
it must be pretty brutal for you to go down that route. Can you illuminate us as to why she is busting your balls? Does she have a case, albiet flimsy, or is just the product of a deranged individual?
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Mon 2 Nov 2009, 9:53, Reply)

On Saturday
I received upwards of ten paragraph-long texts abusing me, demanding money, calling me a cunt etc.

She cannot get over the fact that I can't be in a relationship with her because she's a bunny-boiling, shredder-searching nutjob. Ironically she's responded to this by being a bunny-boiling, shredder-searching nutjob.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 2 Nov 2009, 9:56, Reply)

mate, you have my upmost sympathies
i had a brush with female insanity as well..from a standing start to frothing at the mouth insane within the space of 20 seconds....the crime? putting a damp kitchen cloth on a on the windowsill beside the sink/drainer. Her modus operandi was that the wetness would soak through the gloss paint and ruin the wood underneath.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Mon 2 Nov 2009, 10:02, Reply)

Great, innit?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 2 Nov 2009, 10:03, Reply)

It would be great
if you were a student of psychiatry and needed a candidate to study for your dissertation on, 'Why are woman unhinged and insane'

On a lighter note, i was walking for the train earlier and i saw a fiver in a puddle...however the puddle was behind a big fence and there was no way i could get to it. then the daft bint in the shop gave me a tenners change from a fiver..So someone up there really wanted me to have an extra fiver today.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Mon 2 Nov 2009, 10:16, Reply)

Now THAT'S excellent
This was precisely the kind of thing I was looking for this morning
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 2 Nov 2009, 10:19, Reply)

Yes it was cool
the stupid bint had to use a calculator to work out what 2 x £1.40 was, even then she said 'That's £1.80 please', changed her mind, said it was £2.80, then gave me the fiver I had just given her and an extra £2.20 Proof positive that all woman are insane...Some more than others.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Mon 2 Nov 2009, 10:32, Reply)

I cooked the best steak of my life last night
and ate it whilst watching "Ultimate Force".

I just know that out there, somewhere, Andy McNab was doing EXACTLY the same thing.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 2 Nov 2009, 9:41, Reply)

I went to a house party with 6 student nurses and a student doing town planning or something.
It was fun.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 2 Nov 2009, 9:41, Reply)

You spent a party doing town planning?
That sounds shit
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 2 Nov 2009, 9:50, Reply)

Says the man who was drinking alone...

(PsychoChomp, Mon 2 Nov 2009, 9:54, Reply)

Precisely
How shit must a town planning party be if my weekend as outlined above was better.

You need to stay in more...er...
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 2 Nov 2009, 9:59, Reply)

What I want to know is why the crazy men and the crazy women not hook up together instead of ruining sane people's lives?

( girlinthehole, Mon 2 Nov 2009, 9:58, Reply)

If it keeps up
I shall be joining the crazy people full-time, I fear.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 2 Nov 2009, 10:01, Reply)

They're crazy
Not stupid.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 2 Nov 2009, 10:01, Reply)

My opinion (and therefore fact)
is that crazy people in relationships make more crazy people. People who've dated crazy then go crazy and then turn their next partners crazy and it keeps going. I think we should trace it back to the first crazy person ever to date a sane person and then tut at them for making all our lives a bit more complicated.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 2 Nov 2009, 10:18, Reply)

that's a bit draconian isn't it?
Tutting? What about a stern glance - surely that's enough?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 2 Nov 2009, 10:24, Reply)

I think a procession of the entire population tutting directly at them would be quite a thing to see.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 2 Nov 2009, 10:26, Reply)

can you imagine an enormous group of people all tutting simultaneously
it'd be awesome.

I think you might be on to something here.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 2 Nov 2009, 10:25, Reply)

Now we just have to find the original crazy.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 2 Nov 2009, 10:29, Reply)

that would take some work
however, it seems that monty has a lead, so all we need to do is find the crazy person she dated before, and go on from there.

anyone here need a new calling? maybe we could get a tv show out of it too. it'll need to be well publicised if we are going to get enough people to tut the culprit.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 2 Nov 2009, 10:32, Reply)

her previous boyfriend
was the utter cunt responsible for that execrable 'dance anthem' 'I like the way you moo-oove'. With this in mind that fucker deserves a great deal more that tutting, I'd say. I'm thinking more along the lines of A PUNCH IN THE FACE.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 2 Nov 2009, 10:40, Reply)

fuck that, it's teaspoon time!

(Cancer Joy was short lived, Mon 2 Nov 2009, 10:49, Reply)

^this
I fucking hate that song
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 2 Nov 2009, 10:50, Reply)

But there is a huge flaw in all this
The 'original crazy', or any of it's descendants for that matter, are NEVER wrong, they are ALWYAYS right and will just screech louder if you try and use fact and/or common sense to show them otherwise.

The tutting would be like pouring petrol on a coal fire.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Mon 2 Nov 2009, 10:35, Reply)

tut mobs:
THE FUTURE
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 2 Nov 2009, 10:29, Reply)