Apologies in advance for lack of funnies.
Last Saturday evening my wife got a call from a friend in need of assistance. The friend, D, had lost her keys and was locked out in the cold with her daughter O. She was unable to contact her partner, A, as he wasn't answering his mobile and she didn't know what else to do. Calling out a locksmith was out of the question for financial reasons.
The three of us nipped round and in no time at all I had checked out the possibilities and forced the front door, causing minimal damage to the door casing. I fitted a temporary spare lock with a view to returning the following day to carry out a proper repair to door and casing as well as fitting a replacement lock.
Sunday morning I popped round with all the requisite tools and materials and got the job sorted. Whilst waiting for the wood-filler to harden we got into conversation over a brew and the truth came out...
For some months now D has been the victim of domestic violence and had not lost her key. A had taken it off her and had on a number of occasions locked both her and her 2 year old daughter out of the house. Furthermore he had phoned the police about the "criminal damage" to the door.
Needless to say, once the police attended the scene to investigate the claim of criminal damage a degree of injustice kicked in and D spilled the beans about the domestic violence.
A has since been arrested and bailed with clear instructions not to return to the home address.
I spent most of last Sunday sitting with D, playing with O and listening with growing horror to the catalogue of abuse, both physical and psychological, that A has been subjecting his partner and daughter to. D understands intelectually that she is not responsible for the actions of A but emotionally she has become so conditioned by this that she truley blames herself for A's alcohol and drug use, violence and psychological abuse. She feels utterly dependant on him.
Since last weekend there have been developements. For the last 2 nights A has subjected D and her 2 sisters J and B to repeated phone calls threatening them and their families back in Poland with violence and even death.
An hour ago I learned from the police that D has withdrawn her complaint and that her sisters won't talk.
I know this isn't a rare state of affairs but at the moment I can barely describe what I'm feeling.

What has frustrated you today?

Edit: I've just re-read that for the 3rd time and I need to make it clear that it's not me or my feelings I'm bothered about. This utter scumbag is basically getting away with this shit and although the CPS probably don't need D's complaint to proceed (according to plod) I would lay good money that next time A has one too many D will wake up in hospital.
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Sun 25 Apr 2010, 15:16, 11 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Without wanting to sound uncaring or harsh
D is an idiot. The immediate risk is to her and her daughter in this country, not to her family in Poland. Her husband's threat is just that - a threat, based on not wanting to get into trouble from the police here for being a nasty little cunt. What, he's really going to go to the trouble of booking a ticket to Poland in order to dish out some violence? Nah, somehow I doubt it.

The next time he has one too many, D might end up in a morgue, not a hospital. She really needs to consider this.

I have the utmost sympathy for people who are the victims of domestic violence. However, my sympathy stops when they are totally unwilling to do anything about it, especially when there are children involved. She's already admitted there's a problem and that probably took some guts, but now she needs to see it through. Otherwise she's as guilty of the abuse of their daughter as her husband is.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sun 25 Apr 2010, 16:02, Reply)

A has family in Poland, I've met 2 of his brothers and I personally wouldn't fuck with them.
I don't think D is stupid, short-sighted maybe.
She is absolutely shit-scared.
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Sun 25 Apr 2010, 16:09, Reply)

But yeah, it's always a tricky one...
Trying to get a petrified person to understand that their fears are unfounded.
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Sun 25 Apr 2010, 16:13, Reply)

It's worse than you know.
He or someone like him will always have power over her, because that's the relationship dynamic that she always seeks. I've known dozens like her. Unless she gets into therapy and starts plumbing the depths for why she does this, it's going to be a lifelong cycle for her.

She has my sympathies, as digging for the root of the problem is often a really painful experience as well.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Sun 25 Apr 2010, 16:25, Reply)

Nevertheless...
The immediate danger is to her and her daughter, and as a parent her overriding concern should be for the welfare of her child first, and herself second. Her family can, and probably should, make their own arrangements.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sun 25 Apr 2010, 16:19, Reply)

That's a particularly ticklish subject.
Not really disagreeing with you, DG, but there's a lot more to it than what we as outsiders see.

D also has some pretty bad psychological shit going on as well. This much I can state with certainty: were she to get out of there this minute and never see A again, within a year she'd find his replacement, another guy with substance problems who would abuse her.

It goes like this: the victim has a need for a certain type of person, someone who makes them feel needed. The abuser will usually come across as charming and fun and spontaneous, especially when under the influence. The victim will see that this person needs someone to take care of them, make sure they're fed and help them when they're hung over and all that shit, and will fall for them hard. The abuser will find that they're being enabled by this person, and will start taking advantage of the situation, pushing the envelope just a little farther each time. The victim then rationalizes this as being somehow their fault that the person is so unhappy that they act out this way, especially as the abuser will typically be apologetic after a particularly bad episode and will be charming and affectionate.

Lather, rinse, repeat until someone's in the hospital or dead.

Take her away from her abuser and she will find another one until she understands what she's doing and takes steps to change it.

I will also point out here that this is not a gender-specific issue. It's pretty common for the woman to be abusive to the man- usually psychologically rather than physically, but that too happens more often than we'd like to think. I can bear witness to this personally, as I was on the receiving end of some really bad shit for more years than I should have tolerated at the hands of Nurse Ratched. And interestingly, she remarried to a guy with substance abuse problems who ultimately overdosed- and has another one hanging around right now.

Abusive relationships are weird, twisty things. There is no clean answer to this.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Sun 25 Apr 2010, 16:20, Reply)

so A's been abusing O, D, and her two sisters, J and B?
damn, the alphabet are a tough crowd
(Bret Mong Keys Eggs has wet his weapon, Sun 25 Apr 2010, 16:23, Reply)

Have you ever been a to a spelling competition?
The security guards there carry automatic weapons.
(Bazongaloid, Sun 25 Apr 2010, 16:38, Reply)

Not to mention
the ever present Spelling Nazis. They have absolutely no sense of humor at all.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Sun 25 Apr 2010, 16:49, Reply)

I mean - seriously -
it's humour actually.
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Sun 25 Apr 2010, 18:15, Reply)

This may be one of the times to turn it over to the professionals.
Call the social services, not anonymously, and give full details. If there is a child at risk you really don't have much choice in the matter. Men who hit women rarely hit other men and will back down: it may be that contact with the police is sufficient to change his attitude. Do not let your present worries, or potential embarrassment, leave a child in danger. Do not assume the police will contact the social services.
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Sun 25 Apr 2010, 17:54, Reply)