I had turned up at a village fete
with several gallons of my own home-brewed grog bubbling ominously in old plastic lemonade bottles. At two litres for two pounds I could easily make a profit on this dubious concoction of even more dubious alcoholic strength. The stuff didn't have the delicate odour of elderflowers that I'd originally hoped to impart, more like the smell of stale semen that has sat in unwashed, sweat-soaked underpants for some time in a hot climate.

Fortunately my stall was next to that run by the cheesemaker. And, as I stacked the last of the bottles on my table, with the gas pressure from natural fermentation distorting the shapes of the bottles and causing them to fall over, I caught sight of the cheesemaker's new apprentice.

A small, anorexic creature that resembled that most beautiful of creatures, a juvenile pterodactyl, looked over at me trying to upright the deformed bottles and giggled through a mouth of buck teeth and gold fillings. A pair of piercing, grey eyes studied my pestilent form from behind a stylish pair of blue-framed NHS spectacles. I had obviously caught her attention.

Coyly, I waved at her in greeting as I steadied the penultimate bottle and went to crack open the last one for a refreshing swig. Further embarrassment ensued as the heavily pressurised bottle sprayed a jet of foetid fermented cordial over my midriff. God, the stuff stank. Nevertheless, I released the last of the pressure, wiped my soaked, sticky, stinking hand on my grubby trousers and drew a long mouthful from the partly corroded bottle.

Felt better, that did. The stuff always did have a bit of a kick to it, something you really felt in the back of your throat but it cleared the throbbing headache that had been plaguing me all morning and got some saliva flowing in my arid mouth. By way of introduction I stepped closer to the spindly cheesemaiden and profferred the bottle.

Had I made it myself?, she wanted to know, and I confirmed that yes, it was my own recipe. She leaned over the bottle tentatively and sniffed. She politely declined but pressed me for more information about my creation.

It only required a few minutes' conversation before my natural, unwashed, pustulent charm had won her over. Seconds later we were locked in a passionate embrace, writhing like the death throes of some terrible wounded chimaera upon the cheese stand. Clutching at clothing, groping at flesh, squelching through Stilton, exciting with fingers, probing with tongues, scattering Red Leicester and eliciting disapproving 'tut's from people passing by.

The whole experience seemed to last nearly minutes before we found ourselves spent, coiled in one another's limbs and naked save for the smears of Wensleydale and Shropshire Blue that masked patches of our bare flesh. She sold no cheese that day, and I vaguely recall drinking more of my grog than I exchanged for money. But neither of us would ever forget that blissful few moments, I knew, as I wiped the cheese from my tender pork sword and washed myself with a spare bottle of homemade moonshine.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:07, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Fuck's sake
I'm not reading all that shite. Summarise, bitchface
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:08, Reply)

I met a girl at a village fete

(PsychoChomp, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:09, Reply)

You should read it.
It's beautiful and haunting.
( girlinthehole, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:10, Reply)

No it isn't
I've written better filth of my ex's back with my cockpen
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:11, Reply)

I was being sarcastic.

( girlinthehole, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:13, Reply)

I thought you might have been
but I've had a very low opinion of people lately
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:14, Reply)

QotW-style Sex lie
Man goes to village fete, has sex with weird girl on cheese stand. Typical strange imagery and not a shred of credibility. Summarised, arsehead.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:10, Reply)

Cheers, Crowley

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:12, Reply)

What

The

Fuck
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:09, Reply)

MIND RAPER

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:10, Reply)

^this

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:11, Reply)