There's this slightly chunky, pig-faced girl that I work with
...and I think I'm falling in love with her.
She makes me laugh an awful lot, and sometimes says things that make me think she's incredibly thick, but I adore her.

Have you ever fancied someone you know you shouldn't, or found love somewhere you weren't expecting to?

Alt Q. Why the fuck would I need an alternative question? Whose stupid, shit-for-brains idea was that?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 14:40, 81 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

FAaaaaaaaaaaar too many to note.
Usually girlfriends of friends or sisters of friends.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 14:46, Reply)

I've been there, both are less than ideal
Just after breaking up with my ex a friend of mine encouraged me to go out with her sister, expecting her to reject me. We went out a few times, got on really well and persistently had to ignore my friend's cries of 'stop! It's too weird, I don't like it, aaaagh'
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 14:49, Reply)

Yeah, the dating a friend's sister thing can be verrryy awkward
Especialy when you're younger so you're both still sort of living at your parents, and you wake up in the morning and it's awkward breakfast time with em both sat at the table with you.
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 14:53, Reply)

Ha, I've never had that, I wouldn't want a morning head butt.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 14:58, Reply)

I don't reccomend it.
I've not had a morning headbutt yet, and to be honest in that level of awkward silence, a headbutt would probably offer some kind of releif.
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 14:59, Reply)

I should also mention sisters of girlfriends.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:03, Reply)

Yes.

( girlinthehole, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 14:47, Reply)

Braw!
Have chips with that
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 14:50, Reply)

Who hasn't?
I think the inappropriateness is often a driving factor in the fancying.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 14:49, Reply)

For fuck's sake, people
ELABORATE

Normally I can't shut you up, who's upset you all today?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 14:52, Reply)

Nothing exciting here at all I'm afraid

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 14:55, Reply)

I'm not allowed to elaborate.
I've been told to shut up about my love life.
( girlinthehole, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 14:55, Reply)

By who?

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 14:59, Reply)

DJtrialprice.
Although he was very nice about it.
( girlinthehole, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:00, Reply)

Are you sure?
Because for a knockdown price, I reckon I can probably make him cry
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:01, Reply)

Nah! he was right.

( girlinthehole, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:03, Reply)

Alright, I'll do it for free
you drive a hard bargain, Ms Blouse
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:04, Reply)

Well you could give him a chinese burn because he said he could assasinate my character if he wanted to.
Pfft! like that's possible.
( girlinthehole, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:06, Reply)

I wasn't even aware that you had a character


Just kidding BGB, please don't hurt me
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:07, Reply)

I'm all character.
How do you think I've gotten laid in the past.
( girlinthehole, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:09, Reply)

Guys will stick it anywhere that's willing

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:09, Reply)

Praise the Lord!!!

( girlinthehole, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:10, Reply)

Unless they're extremely attractive rapists
in which case, they have to try REALLY ahrd, and go REALLY far, looking for women that don't want to have sex with them
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:20, Reply)

You could shout
"Oi, stop raping me, I'm totally enjoying it!"
and he'd be sickened and flee. Then you could chortle and think "Haha, I was hating every second, sucka!"
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:21, Reply)

Haha!
Or I could pretend to like it but really I'm pretending to hate it.
( girlinthehole, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:24, Reply)

the guy I'm speaking with right now, who was with someone when we met last year, they broke up, got back together and have broken up again
he's a fucking idiot, and although I still care about him, I'm pretty much done with his OmGdRaMa
if it's not about his ex it's about his best friend, then it's about his best friend wanting to fuck his ex, then the best friend talking shit about me
I've never had so many midnight phone calls in my LIFE
I'm going to stop now because I could write about his stupid shit all day long
( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 14:51, Reply)

are you certain he's not a woman?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 14:52, Reply)

fairly certain, I think there's a teenage girl stuck in his brain
he tries to guilt trip me into doing what he wants, and when he doesn't get his way he says "whatever" or "just forget about me"
well, guess what, I am
I'd really like to say, while you're thinking of me, and calling me in the middle of the night I'm sleeping and not giving a fuck about you.
( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 14:57, Reply)

you should say that

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 14:57, Reply)

the world might end

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 14:59, Reply)

OmGdRaMa?
You see I don't care about peoplle enough to get into this situation, people know I don't give a shit and so don't bother me.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 14:52, Reply)

I think you and BGB would make a lovely couple

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 14:53, Reply)

Darn tooting!

( girlinthehole, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 14:54, Reply)

yer what she said

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:06, Reply)

Oooooh!
I feel like Cilla!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:09, Reply)

Yeah, a few
Usualy mates sisters, or the worst one is a long term friend who suddenly you wake up one day and have a bit of a crush on, cos it's a bugger for all concerned. I'm pretty happy at the moment though. Dating someone sane, single and attractive which you know, is a definite first for me. The sane ones don't seem to like me so much most of the time.
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 14:52, Reply)

I'm going to abduct and murder your new beau
Unless you correct your spelling of the word 'definitely'
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 14:56, Reply)

Done....
Forgive me, I've had less sleep in the last 4 days than I usualy get in a night. Please don't abduct people!
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 14:57, Reply)

It's too late
I'm abducting myself as we speak
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:00, Reply)

No! Put the knife down!
It doesn't have to end this way!
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:02, Reply)

Dating someone single?
So she's not aware your are going out?
( Tedium Alduce me to interlow myself., Mon 14 Jun 2010, 14:56, Reply)

Well mostly I meant that she was single before we started dating...
And she'll know soon enough...... *creepy stalker eyes*
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 14:58, Reply)

I had turned up at a village fete
with several gallons of my own home-brewed grog bubbling ominously in old plastic lemonade bottles. At two litres for two pounds I could easily make a profit on this dubious concoction of even more dubious alcoholic strength. The stuff didn't have the delicate odour of elderflowers that I'd originally hoped to impart, more like the smell of stale semen that has sat in unwashed, sweat-soaked underpants for some time in a hot climate.

Fortunately my stall was next to that run by the cheesemaker. And, as I stacked the last of the bottles on my table, with the gas pressure from natural fermentation distorting the shapes of the bottles and causing them to fall over, I caught sight of the cheesemaker's new apprentice.

A small, anorexic creature that resembled that most beautiful of creatures, a juvenile pterodactyl, looked over at me trying to upright the deformed bottles and giggled through a mouth of buck teeth and gold fillings. A pair of piercing, grey eyes studied my pestilent form from behind a stylish pair of blue-framed NHS spectacles. I had obviously caught her attention.

Coyly, I waved at her in greeting as I steadied the penultimate bottle and went to crack open the last one for a refreshing swig. Further embarrassment ensued as the heavily pressurised bottle sprayed a jet of foetid fermented cordial over my midriff. God, the stuff stank. Nevertheless, I released the last of the pressure, wiped my soaked, sticky, stinking hand on my grubby trousers and drew a long mouthful from the partly corroded bottle.

Felt better, that did. The stuff always did have a bit of a kick to it, something you really felt in the back of your throat but it cleared the throbbing headache that had been plaguing me all morning and got some saliva flowing in my arid mouth. By way of introduction I stepped closer to the spindly cheesemaiden and profferred the bottle.

Had I made it myself?, she wanted to know, and I confirmed that yes, it was my own recipe. She leaned over the bottle tentatively and sniffed. She politely declined but pressed me for more information about my creation.

It only required a few minutes' conversation before my natural, unwashed, pustulent charm had won her over. Seconds later we were locked in a passionate embrace, writhing like the death throes of some terrible wounded chimaera upon the cheese stand. Clutching at clothing, groping at flesh, squelching through Stilton, exciting with fingers, probing with tongues, scattering Red Leicester and eliciting disapproving 'tut's from people passing by.

The whole experience seemed to last nearly minutes before we found ourselves spent, coiled in one another's limbs and naked save for the smears of Wensleydale and Shropshire Blue that masked patches of our bare flesh. She sold no cheese that day, and I vaguely recall drinking more of my grog than I exchanged for money. But neither of us would ever forget that blissful few moments, I knew, as I wiped the cheese from my tender pork sword and washed myself with a spare bottle of homemade moonshine.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:07, Reply)

Fuck's sake
I'm not reading all that shite. Summarise, bitchface
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:08, Reply)

I met a girl at a village fete

(PsychoChomp, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:09, Reply)

You should read it.
It's beautiful and haunting.
( girlinthehole, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:10, Reply)

No it isn't
I've written better filth of my ex's back with my cockpen
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:11, Reply)

I was being sarcastic.

( girlinthehole, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:13, Reply)

I thought you might have been
but I've had a very low opinion of people lately
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:14, Reply)

QotW-style Sex lie
Man goes to village fete, has sex with weird girl on cheese stand. Typical strange imagery and not a shred of credibility. Summarised, arsehead.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:10, Reply)

Cheers, Crowley

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:12, Reply)

What

The

Fuck
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:09, Reply)

MIND RAPER

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:10, Reply)

^this

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:11, Reply)

Memories memories
I started fancying a woman at work who I went swimming with most lunch times. She was an ex bunny girl, and rather curvy. Her fiance was a gorilla who would have dismantled me and shoved me up my own arse, had he known of the times I copped a feely during our lunchtime watery cavortings.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:14, Reply)

There's a register for people like you

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:16, Reply)

Read the sign: No Bombing, no running and NO FINGER RAPE

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:17, Reply)

I'll have you know she was a little older than me.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:19, Reply)

grannyfucker

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:21, Reply)

You will be one day too
So don't knock it now. Anyway she was about 35, I was 29 at a guess.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:24, Reply)

Don't knock it until you've tried it.
*winks*
( girlinthehole, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:25, Reply)

That's illegal too now

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:22, Reply)

see above

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:24, Reply)

When I was 21
I was boffing a 37 year old, married woman.

..but even the elderly reject me in the end
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:25, Reply)

You're not getting my sympathy.
You probably wouldn't get any in a home for randy dementeds.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:30, Reply)

Some apparent Jack-the-lad
giving it the banter.
Turned out to be a reet good'un worth every trainfare. Fancy that!

Whereas some mong who kept phoning me for another chance months after we'd briefly dated, telling me a psychic told him we were meant to be together forever, turned out to be a total playaaa.

Life's odd int it.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:20, Reply)

Your life is odd

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:21, Reply)

It sometimes seems that way
but really it's the same as everyone else's.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:23, Reply)

life boyfriend odd shit

Don't blame me, BGB made me do it
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:24, Reply)

No she didn't
That naughty voice in your head made you do it.
She would do it herself in a passive/aggressive way.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:26, Reply)

No she didn't
That naughty voice in your head made you do it.
She would do it herself in a passive/aggressive way.

My boyfriend's penis is miniscule and impotent, I would rather shag a left-handed walrus than touch his turgid, lifeless member
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:27, Reply)

How do you know about the walrus?

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:29, Reply)

sorry
I blabbed
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:30, Reply)

VIPROS!!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:30, Reply)

I was under extreme duress

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:32, Reply)

blabbed blubbered, because you fucking love aquatic mammals
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:30, Reply)

it's true

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:32, Reply)

I can't help it.
I'm confused.
( girlinthehole, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:27, Reply)

Monday 14th June 2010

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:29, Reply)

Yay! it's my birthday.

( girlinthehole, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:32, Reply)

don't blame me, BGB made me do it told me not to.
( girlinthehole, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 15:27, Reply)