I donno, how old are you?
I once had sex, true story, it was the summer of '02. I remember that year, because that was the poor old mister Hendison died, but I'll tell you who I feel really sorry for, it was the Joneses next door. You see, misses pops, god rest her soul, well she made the gosh darn greatest apple pies you ever did taste, if at least this side of the greater london. Maybe not on par with that central london apple pies, can't compete with that, they get apples from as far afield as west sussex. Anyway, there I was, getting a pie, and I hear a shout ! I never did hear such a scream in my life, I thought to myself, I thought, "What in god's blases is that? It sounds like someone is being murdered !" Well, would you believe it, I dropped the apple basket I had in my hand and rushed back to the yard. It was misses pops, you see, she had a visiter, that was mister hendison. As sure as the sun shines and the rain quenches the cotton, he was naked the day his lord made him. Well, you see, the screams, they bought on a heart attack ! They called it a Massive Cardiac Arrest, I don't understand these things, I ain't got a medical qualification, but that "Massive Cardiac Arrest" as they called it, it finished him off.

Miss Pops was horrifid by this, didn't mean to finish him off, didn't mean to see him naked eaither, that's not her thing. But she turns to me, and she says, when all the who-har died down, she said clear as day "I'm going to make the gosh darn greatest apple pie I ever did make, for the hendisons, to applogise for seeing him off this mortal coil". And with that, she sent me in the garden to pick the sweetest apples I could find. Oh boy, were they jucy, I wanted a slice for myself, but I wasn't allowed a slice, she said when I pop my clogs and make a widdow out of her and an orphan for Monster (the dog), then I can have a pie all to myself.

As for the Joneses, well, that's another story, one I'll tell you later. And as for the sex, well, I'm going to have to tell you that one when the lil'uns aren't about.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 17:32, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Gonz. I wish I could pat you on the head and give you a sweetie.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 17:54, Reply)

Are you actually Alan Bennett?

( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 18:42, Reply)

I donno who that is, is he clever, smart, good looking and totally nailed a job interview today?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 18:52, Reply)

Clever, smart, very gay and probably doesn't need the money
Famous playright known for monologues in that stream of consciousness style your post was in. Wrote The History Boys.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 19:04, Reply)

Oh cool ! I've also been likened to 'Chancer'/'chuncha', something like that, I donno who he is eaither.
I think I've heard of the history boys, did they do a film staring some good actors or something? It rings a bell somewhere.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 18 Aug 2010, 19:32, Reply)