I don't want to rain on your parade
I'm somewhat chirpier today because I've uncovered some crucial evidence that goes a long way to linking the suspect to the crime I'm investigating. What we call the 'smoking gun' evidence.

Oh, on that note, if you plan on committing any type of crime on t'internet, please log into your email account and fire off a few mails to your mates just before you start your nefarious acts. Please.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 9:10, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

What's your job again?
You sound like someone from CSI.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 7 Oct 2010, 9:16, Reply)

He cleans the offices of an internet law firm.
When they've all gone home, he sits in the boss's chair and pretends to be an actual member of staff. It's all a bit sad really.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 9:18, Reply)

Oh
You can make me laugh too. You're full of surprises today, Monty.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 7 Oct 2010, 9:26, Reply)

I am an enthralling enigma.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 9:33, Reply)

He looks at free porn all day
then "judges" people
(PsychoChomp, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 9:19, Reply)

All of the above is true
But I'm a digital forensic analyst, meaning I look through computers for evidence.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 9:21, Reply)

So that's quite CSI
are there so many crimes here to keep you busy? Maybe I'm mistranslating "crime" and you don't mean only killings.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 7 Oct 2010, 9:27, Reply)

I rarely do murder cases
They probably account for 5% of my casework. It's mostly paedo cases, drugs and fraud.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 9:28, Reply)

Mmmmm...
You must go home thinking rubbish of humans, with a job like that. What do you have to study to be a digital forensic analyst?
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 7 Oct 2010, 9:31, Reply)

Computers obviously.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 9:32, Reply)

I don't tend to think about work after I leave
Most people who join studied some form of computer science, and as of the last few years you can get Masters degrees in computer forensics.

Me, I have a Philisophy degree, but landed the job because I'm awesome.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 9:35, Reply)

I have to work with criminals every day
I have become very cynical.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 9:49, Reply)

ooh that's exciting
we use guys like you all the time, you're WELL EXPENSIVE.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 9:28, Reply)

Not all companies charge the same ;)
Also, rates change depending if it's legal aid etc.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 9:29, Reply)

trudat
we mostly do appeals so ours are usually privately paying clients. But most of them are guilty so it's their own fault if they want to spend silly money appealing.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 9:34, Reply)

We've done a few of those
Including one where their own solicitor effectively said "They're loaded, they'll throw money at you to get them off, so keep trying", despite us saying that the guy's as guilty as sin.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 9:36, Reply)

Lawyers eh, what lovely people doing the best for their clients.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 9:42, Reply)

For barristers it's all a game
Sometimes it's fun to watch how they act inside and then outside of court.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 9:44, Reply)

well fuck you too

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 9:50, Reply)

I'm glad you spotted that.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 9:51, Reply)

it's ok
next time you want legal advice and come crawling back over broken glass i'll just make sure i get it wrong.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 9:57, Reply)

I was going to start arguing that solicitors can't lie for their clients
and can't represent them if the client admits guilt, but I would have to start the sentence with "any honest solicitor" and knew I would get shot down immediately.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 9:53, Reply)

True dat
And thankfully no solicitor has ever asked us to lie in our reports, but we have been asked if we can draw some shaky conclusions from the evidence. They do this a lot, barristers too. If I say that there's a chance, an exceedingly remote chance, that X happened, there'll push that as hard into the Jury's mind as they can.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 9:55, Reply)

It's all about exploiting grey areas
any solicitor or barrister who asks you to lie is a dickhead
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 9:59, Reply)

Wilco
*emails Lab*
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Thu 7 Oct 2010, 9:17, Reply)