I have disappointed myself, my family and all my ancestors
my entire adult life.

Everything I have done has been the epitome of underachievement. I went from being put up a year at school and being taken from classes for 'able pupil enrichment' to getting three shit 'A' Levels, a shit degree from a shit university and then a shit job, a pokey little flat and a lifetime of insurmountable debt - all because I think that deep down I am frightened of trying my genuine best at anything in case the results were not staggeringly brilliant. I was OK with it all until I became a parent - now I am throroughly ashamed of myself the whole time.

On the plus side, I am having 8 HOURS of professional cleaning done on my flat today, for nothing.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 8:45, 6 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

My advice:
Dress like a brazilian electrician, and start vaulting ticket barriers.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 8:47, Reply)

Fuck off, fatso.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 8:58, Reply)

That's by Bad Manners isn't it?

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:04, Reply)

No that's 'Lip-o-suction, suction, liposuction, suction REGGAE'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:17, Reply)

I have to listen to Bad Manners now. I was going to be listening to The Specials but that will now have to wait.

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:21, Reply)

I know Rankin Roger from The Beat.
EXCITING NAMEDROPPING STUFF RIGHT HERE.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:28, Reply)

You seem to know everyone.

( girlinthehole, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:29, Reply)

I'm like genital herpes.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:30, Reply)

He claims to.
I've put money on it all being a drug induced haze. And mistaking tramps for anyone famous
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:30, Reply)

I am ashamed to admit I know Chris Martin from Coldplay - trufax.

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:37, Reply)

Hahah unlucky.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:46, Reply)

Welcome to the under achievers club.
Grab a chair and let it all out Monty.
( girlinthehole, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 8:48, Reply)

Your flat must be a pit.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 8:49, Reply)

It's actually not that bad
but my mother and daughter are coming round tomorrow so I wanted to clean it tonight. This meant I said I couldn't look after my daughter whilst my ex went out.

End result: she's got her best pal and landlord to send round the cleaner he uses for his property management company.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 8:52, Reply)

End result: result.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:00, Reply)

PROFIT!

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:11, Reply)

In the past two weeks I have learnt
that if I threaten my ex with court and/or refuse to cooperate, I get my way. This upsets me so, so much. I was raised to believe (and still do despite having seen no evidence to support it in my life) that reason will win the day. If you are right, and are eloquent enough to be able to explain why, people will see this.

It's complete bollocks.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:12, Reply)

It's generally true.
She's just a cunt.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:17, Reply)

.... you don't get out much into the real world do you?
Also: Watch the Apprentice to really reiterate how wrong you are
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:18, Reply)

It's the crushing disappointment
over how far removed from reality my values are, that informs my disdain for society and keeps me from participating in it.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:25, Reply)

if that was true you wouldn't be coming to the bash

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:31, Reply)

I'm not.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:31, Reply)

lies you'll be there with bells on

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:32, Reply)

...because he kept snapping the electric tags off?

(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:34, Reply)

Medieval tagging. Perfect for me.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:37, Reply)

Like a big hippie morris dancer.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:41, Reply)

Truth, logic and reason
Only work on reasonable people. And there are fewer of them with every passing day.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:19, Reply)

In a theoretical and highly idealised world, people would bow to eloquent and well-reasoned argument
Unfortunately, in this empirical and very much non-ideal world, we have such complicating factors as irrational behaviour, unreasonable personalities, terminal fuckwittedness and estate agents.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:21, Reply)

so... less edujumucated people?

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:23, Reply)

Oh no, I know several highly educated people
who still suffer from terminal fuckwittedness and/or Unreasonable Personality Disorder. Being a professor in some worthy discipline does not exclude one from behaving like a twat.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:28, Reply)

It's not fun if you don't GO MENTAL when I say less people

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:31, Reply)

But you said "less edujumucuated people"
by which I assumed you meant "people who were less edujumucated." Which would have been correct.

Would you like me to GO MENTAL anyway?
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:33, Reply)

Go on
www.youtube.com/watch?v=xPEsIQ7YZ6g
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:35, Reply)

I do enjoy the mental
Although I am sure I can make you go super mental on bashday :D
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:42, Reply)

Me too, Monty, me too
Apart from the kid thing, thankfully not got one of those.
However, I really fucking love playing computer games, watching films and hanging out with friends, therefore I found a balance whereby I can afford to do that whilst not giving up huge amounts of my free time. It's all about finding a balance.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 8:51, Reply)

You see I have a passion for expensive spirits and drugs, and rare records
Not quite doable on my frankly insulting salary.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 8:57, Reply)

I have a talent for art.
Haven't touched a pencil or paintbrush for fucking years.
( girlinthehole, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:01, Reply)

I don't have a talent for art
Doesn't stop me dicking about in Paint, although I've not had the inspiration for a comic in a long time.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:05, Reply)

My brother was an artistic prodigy
Really fucking good, 'A' Level then Art School then History of Art degree - the cunt doesn't even doodle when he's on the phone these days. He's done nothing creative apart from style his house for ten plus years. It's a fucking disgrace.

At least I still play music, and I draw too even though I'll never be as good as him.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:08, Reply)

Thank God that I'm here to supply the missing Ian Dury element to this discussion!
He was taught by Peter Blake and did the porrrait that adorns the front cover of his Lord Upminster album.


(Cave Duck, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:24, Reply)

Fucking polio-infested cunt.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:26, Reply)

Spasticus ARTisticus

(Cave Duck, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:44, Reply)

Shittius Recordingcareericus

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:45, Reply)

To be honest
I kinda live ever so slightly outside of my means, as shown by my credit card debt, but I'm trying to change that by limiting myself to only one game a month (if that).
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:01, Reply)

That's the only thing I'm good at
I was very well taught by my parents, and I don't have any debt (apart from the mortgage) If I can't afford it, I don't do it, easy.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:08, Reply)

Don't do it Lab
I had 7k of credit card debt that I will be paying off for the next four years
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:09, Reply)

We've all been there.

( girlinthehole, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:13, Reply)

I fucking live there.
I have the keys to the city of there.

I am the Lord Mayor of there.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:15, Reply)

I haven't
left university with a £350 overdraft (and borderline malnourished) - paid it off my first payday. Always paid off my credit cards in full every month. I had finance once for a computer but paid it off when the interest-free period was up. Always paid 100% up front for my cars. My only debt is my house which I'll clear soon.

/smug
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:45, Reply)

God I hate you.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:51, Reply)

Already got that much
Most of which is from my last year of uni. I only use my CC now if I know I can pay it off within the month.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:14, Reply)

I'm down to about 4900 I think and after I have to sell my car I'll clear that
And then pay for a car I no longer own for a couple years.

EPIC FINANCE FAIL
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:16, Reply)

5k on one card, about 2k on the other
Shaved about 1k off it this year, not as much as I'd hoped but still.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:18, Reply)

My debts total about 30 grand.
It's only my 70k of equity that enables me to sleep at night.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:16, Reply)

Ouch
That's a fucker right there.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:18, Reply)

Innit, blud.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:18, Reply)

And a good shagging from your giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrlllllllllllllllllfffffffffrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnnnnd

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:18, Reply)

As long as you are "servicing the debt" as I believe it's called you'll be ok - it's when you can't make repayments things get shittier

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:19, Reply)

Not only am I servicing the debt
I am also nightly servicing half the adult female population of East London, on rotation.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:27, Reply)

I expected nothing less. Top work.

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:27, Reply)

Charging for the latter would fund the former, surely?
Always happy to help.
(Cave Duck, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:49, Reply)

*goes on 'Dragon's Den'*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:52, Reply)

If anyone deserves an insulting salary Monty.
It is you.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:06, Reply)

I should get a government grant.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:09, Reply)

Maybe we can get you nailed onto the fourth plinth. I'd come and watch.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:14, Reply)

This made me laugh

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:34, Reply)

MTFU
get in the game, I'm a big train wreck of a fuck up and I don't sit on the sideline. Just have a go and if you fail fuck it, try again. Better than being bitter my friend.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 8:52, Reply)

A big fat train wreck, yes you are.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:08, Reply)

you are kate nash aicmfp

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:25, Reply)

If he has any fucking clue who you're on about, I'll give you the fp myself.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:27, Reply)

that's kind of the point for me, I try and irritate him in every possible way.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:34, Reply)

No I'm not.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:27, Reply)

I know, I don't fancy Kate Nash.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 9:34, Reply)

Well, you can still do good
and feel proud of yourself. You can put all that "brilliantness" in the way you educate your child, and you can try to make yourself better for her.

Whatever you do, she'll be proud of you.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Fri 8 Oct 2010, 8:53, Reply)