Are you sitting comfortably?
Then I shall begin

* People who use "txt spk". Ok I admit I am a grammar nazi, however there is no need to drop the vowels out of every single word you use. If people send me anything with "txt spk" in I will talk to them slowly as they obviously don't understand English very well.

* Important documents with mass spelling and grammar mistakes. I see that some people get annoyed that people pick up mistakes in posts - unless the person specifically states they are brilliant at spelling and grammar then I tend to let them go but when I receive a contract and it states "your required to maintain the gardens" I get annoyed. And have been known to get a red pen out circle mistakes and send it back, but that was because I was getting charged £80 "admin fee" for them to print out this document and send it to me so was going to get my moneys worth. I do worry though that basic English skills and the differences between their/they're/there and to/too/two are getting lost somewhere though. In instant messages and informal chats as long as it doesn't go to "txt spk" (I do really hate that)it is acceptable. But in work emails and contacts is just too much, especially when people have a line of letters after their name but they can't turn on spell check in emails or get someone to proofread documentation.

* Rude people. When I hold doors open for people and they don't say "thank you" I tend to say "You're welcome" very loudly and then they turn round and look confused because they know they are arrogant pissweasels who are too up their own ass to thank the nice person holding the door and on hindsight are annoyed I didn't tip my hat and say Sir. Old people are the worst for this in my experience.

* People who are still stuck in the 1950's and don't believe I actually do work on my old cars. "Did you get your daddy to do it for you?" I believe this is a viable reason to punch someone in the face.

* People who deliberately go in the wrong lanes at roundabouts and junctions to skip the traffic. This seems to be mainly people in BMWs and Audis although there is a limeflower old mini near me that keeps doing it. If you are reading this Mr Mini Man then next time I am in my Marina I will get in front of you and I will slam on my brakes and you can get acquainted with my chrome bumpers that will hopefully put a nice imprint of your smugassed face all over your windscreen.

* People who talk to me whilst I am obviously paying attention to something on TV, normally some Channel4 documentary, or reading. The phrase "What you reading?" is another face punching offence.

* People who refuse to allow you to have a different opinion to themselves. I love a good debate and am aware that I have pretty black and white views on stuff but people telling me my views are wrong is a face punchable offence.

* People who talk REALLY FUCKING LOUD ON THEIR MOBILES IN CROWDED PUBLIC AREAS. I don't care if Chardonnay has split up with Ricardo and is going to drown her sorrows with a bottle of Lambrini in the Chav Arms at 7:30 and what colour boob tube should she wear. Also they always have the most annoying laughs that sound like a chain smoking dolphin.

* Michael Flately Lord of the Dance, his legs flail about as if independent to his body! (ok I may have stolen that one...)
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 2 May 2008, 10:32, 3 replies)

Txt Spk
Won't do it. Somebody texts me a message that's not in English then it's delete, no reply.
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 2 May 2008, 11:48, closed)

hahah
stolen from chandler if I'm correct.
(lei, Fri 2 May 2008, 11:59, closed)

'But in work emails and contacts is just too much'
Sorry, but your (sic) just asking for that!
(Dean, Fri 2 May 2008, 15:12, closed)