Vino Vigilante
Chavs, pikeys, call them what you like, are a major source of irritation. However, live and let live if their only crime is lacking the skills to breathe nasally, causing their chewing gum to fall out all over the town centres. More serious crimes, such as wanton vandalism and stealing cars are another matter.

Last night / early hours of this morning, Davros' Granddad and I were outside in our bikeshed having a smoke. I did quit a few weeks ago but my resolve weakened - and it's a good job it did, otherwise we wouldn't have been outside.

We heard voices and a bit of a commotion so went to investigate. Four hooded chavs were trying to break into our neighbours' car. Such behaviour makes me see red to the extent of making my arsehole putt. It's more than absence of respect, it is total disregard for other people and their property. Fucking GRRRRRRRRRR!

They saw us and scarpered but that wasn't good enough for me. Hell, no. Emboldened by two bottles of red wine (Australian Shiraz) I threw my semi-smoked Marlboro into the wind in abject fury and made chase. DG couldn't join me as he was only wearing slippers. MY bikeshed slip-ons are sensible old ladies' Springers and perfectly good for running. (Also I rather think he wanted to finish his ciggie.)

Shaking like a dog shitting peach-pits with rage, I vanished into the night after the scalliwags. In my head I was running like Jamie Summers. In reality it was more like Penelope Pitstop, complete with knocky knees and arthritic hips.

Scummies tried to hide in a clump of trees in the school field around the corner, but were too thick to know about stealth so I found them easily. Being considerably taller than I am, they were able to leap the fence with the agility of gazelles. I'm about 5'1" at the moment as I've not been to my osteopath for a while. (When he straightens me out I can measure as much as 5'2".)

As I was straddling the fence my phone rang. It was DG. The conversation went thus;

DG: Where the fuck are you?

Me: Straddled on the school fence.

DG: Are you ok?

Me: Bit out of breath but otherwise fine thanks...

DG: Well, get your arse back here for Christ's sake!

Me: The hell I will!

DG: What the fuck do you think you're going to do?

Me: I'm gonna catch those fucking fuckers and cunt them in the fuck! (Thank you b3ta for teaching me that expression).

DG: No you're bloody not.

Me: Yes I fucking am.

DG: (More firmly) No you bloody aren't! There are four of them and they're all much bigger than you.

Me: Er, I win on body mass! (that's true) And do you know how hard I am? (soft as shite) Do you know how many tattoos I've got? (3.5) Do you know how many people I've decked? (0)

DG: (Adopting that tone used with really slow people) Yes pet, that's nice. Now come home.

Me: No.

Scummies were out of sight by then but I'd seen them head for the main road. Undeterred, I marched off in that direction (wearing an imaginary cape by that point - can't remember what colour it was now).

AHA! Spotted the fuckers ahead and broke into *special* sprinting. They saw me and pegged it towards the forest where we walk our dog.
What was puzzling me at that point and on reflection today, was why the hell were they running away from me? A girl in the 5' gang.... although I was foaming like a rabid dog...

I lost the bastards. BOO! CUNTY-FUCKSOCKS!
Normally an uber pacifist, I was really in the fettle for twatting some low-life last night. The whole aggressive bravado crap was entirely hormonal. Stupid bleeding cunt that I am....... (literally)

So we live happily for a while longer.

Length / girth - neither at the moment as I'm off the road :o(
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Sat 3 May 2008, 20:42, 19 replies)

It's the Super Swearer
Fucks the Cunty Fucks in a single bound.
Swears the Shitty Bastards into submission.
She may be small, but she is scary.


Just add alcohol for increased cape-wearing action.
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Sat 3 May 2008, 20:52, closed)

^ now you've made me go all shy
*scuffs feet*

*laughs*

I like you, will you be my friend?
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Sat 3 May 2008, 22:14, closed)

I would just like to point out to anyone reading this
That I was as incensed as she was, and did give chase as well. Unfortunately my slippers fell off after about 5 strides, and by the time I'd gone back in to put my boots on and gone out again, she was nowhere to be seen. Despite having a bit of a jog around the block, there was no sign at all.

Plus Sweary Junior was technically home alone, so being the responsible step parent I am I thought it prudent to remain nearby.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sat 3 May 2008, 22:23, closed)

^ ah, but
he was lacking my distinct advantage of oozing vitriolic PMT....
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Sat 3 May 2008, 22:28, closed)

Are you both
on different pcs / laptops and posting on here? or just one, because 2 would be slightly sad. Like 2 people sitting on a sofa msning each other as someone amditted doing at work the other day.

Took them 4 hours to remove the "w" key from his ear after I lamped him with a keyboard for being such a sad twat.
(Halfy By light alone, Sat 3 May 2008, 22:33, closed)

Halfy...
We're sharing nicely :-)
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sat 3 May 2008, 22:35, closed)

good man!
and good woman of course!
(Halfy By light alone, Sat 3 May 2008, 22:37, closed)

Thank you!
I have a feeling that this could turn into another loooong night.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sat 3 May 2008, 22:48, closed)

DG needs new slippers
preferably something suitable for running in rather than pink frilly fally-offy ones.

Still good on you Tourettes for scaring the prats off and good on DG for phoning in a little bit of sense to get you home safe.

There are good people left in the world, and you're two of them.
(Lurkaloid awarded wanking black belt on, Sun 4 May 2008, 0:56, closed)

Aww,
Bless you, Lurkaloid. And thanks.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sun 4 May 2008, 1:18, closed)

Of course I'll be your friend Tourette's


can I touch your cape?
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Sun 4 May 2008, 1:19, closed)

faster than a speeding pikey!
able to (almost) leap tall fences in a single bound!

equipped with super-sweary vigilante action, it's SUPER TOURETTE'S!

fighting crime in the suburbs with the help of her sensible sidekick, Slipper Lad.

pikeys everywhere, beware! it's SUPER TOURETTE'S!

FUCK, FUCK AND AWAY!!!
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sun 4 May 2008, 4:05, closed)

*Tourettes
You scare me and I'm 5'11 and on the hefty side.

Still, swimming in red wine, I would have done the same. Trouble is that what would you have done when you caught them.
( girlinthehole, Sun 4 May 2008, 8:47, closed)

Fabulous!
I once vaulted the garden fence (not too shabby, it's only a foot shorter than I am), chased the little sod who was throwing stones at our rabbit (while I was in the garden, the little twat) and frog-marched him to his very annoyed mother.
Didn't see him for about a week. The last thing you want round our way is a reputation for not controlling your kids. Same lad is now about 18 and still incredibly polite to me!
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Sun 4 May 2008, 11:47, closed)

@BGB
Ah, but I'm scared shitless of your pierced jubblies! ;o)
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Sun 4 May 2008, 17:01, closed)

@ flirting with badgers
Why, be my guest......

*hands over cape*

Or, I could go one better and knit you one?
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Sun 4 May 2008, 17:03, closed)

*strokes cape*
Ooooo...it's lovely.

Are they Super-Sweary Knitting Needles™?
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Mon 5 May 2008, 6:08, closed)

^ how could you tell?
All in stocking stitch though, I'm afraid. I'm not a canny knitter.
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Mon 5 May 2008, 13:30, closed)

^ ^
Ok, I admit it.....while stroking your cape, I peeked at your utility belt and saw your knitting needle holder.
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Tue 6 May 2008, 2:02, closed)