Football
Why?

Seriously. I mean what is the point?

I wouldn't mind if it were some sort of minority sport, but what really, really fucks me off no end is the amount of media coverage devoted to it. The football season is going to be finished in a couple of weeks, but there is some cunting tournament of some importance which will mean the press bang on about nothing else for weeks and weeks. Honestly, even the broadsheets are full of gurning pretty boys regurgitating phlegm on a field for ninety minutes. Gordon can be legislating away even more of our civil liberties and disposable income, but given the choice of front (and back) page story it'll be football every single time.

Want further evidence of how crap football is?

Racism

England cannot play a game of football with Germany without a reference to the Waffen SS in at least one of the tabloids. You'd think that we'd got over the whole War thing by now, given that the Germans are always unfailingly polite and complimentary towards us. Yet each and every time someone throws a ball at an Englishman and a German it shows us up at our very worst. During World Cup week/fortnight/month/etc I'm ashamed to be English whenever I see some shirtless fat cunt with a red and white face shouting "Wuuuuuuuuuurgh!" on the TV.

War

Two latin American nations actually went to war in the late 1960s because of a game of football. Says it all really, although over here it's an excuse for a punch up whenever Sunderland/Newcastle, Celtic/Rangers, City/United play each other. For fucks sake boys, it's only a game innit? It's not Escape to Victory.

Gazza

It's hard to believe he's just turned forty and that he still has more talent in his toenail than my flailing body will ever have when playing five a side. He could so easily have been the working class hero, the boy from the wrong side of the tracks struggling to contain his inner hooligan... But instead he turns up following world cup '90 on the top of a double decker bus, pissed and wearing rubber tits during a parade through London in his honour before going on to release "Fog on the Tyne".

Phlegm

The given cue that a man is about to relieve himself of some mucus obstruction is the telltale sleight of the hand toward the nose. Does the camera pan away to save the public from the spectacle? Hell no! Zoom right in to the this high velocity grolly being shot out of a nostril.

Puts me right off my soup dontcha know?

Posh Spice

The tone-deaf, zit infested clothes hanger would be making a living parading special offers in supermarkets instead of clinging on to the arm of someone infinitely more talented and probably more tuneful than she is.

I once read a letter in the Daily Mirror insupport of Victoria Beckham which went along the lines of "She doesn't deserve all the media criticism, she's got so much poise". So has my bedside table lamp.

I do wish she'd fuck off large.

Television
Every two cunting years I know that all my television will spout forth during the height of summer is endless football. Football, football, football. For hours. At least Wimbledon has the decency to be over and done with after a fortnight.

Merchandise
Nothing goes with rampant BO like an England jersey. Don't get me started on those stupid cunting flags which people hang out of their windows during football tournaments.

Songs and inside sick humour
Do I give a shit where Ashley Cole puts his phone? No. Likewise troglodytes I've been unfortunate enough to work with/for wonder why I fail to split my sides when the punchline is "they were all in a hotel room screwing some bird!".

Official songs
This has to be the worst. John Barnes and 'Anfield Rap' would be enough to win a custodial sentence in most civilised nations. However, even that god-awful scouse travesty pales into insignificance whenever Tottenham are in with a shout of anything, for some cunt rolls out Chaz 'n Dave, a cock-er-knee anachronism which should never have escaped the Herman Goering East End renewal scheme. Then we have whatever bollocks the FA decide is the 'official' England song.

Although World in Motion was quite good.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 6 May 2008, 23:37, 10 replies)

I personally think it's been overrated
Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy playing and watching football, but the amount of money, fame, controversy etc is completely overblown for 22 people to run about after a leather air-bag for 90 minutes a week (possibly 180 depending on fixtures).

I blame the tories. I blame them for alot of things.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Tue 6 May 2008, 23:39, closed)

Thankyou.

I totally agree with you. A fucking shit sport.

A friend of mine suggested it would be far more interesting if there were to be a land mine planted randomly somewhere on the pitch...
( Turquoise Hexagon Sun has just dropped acid on, Tue 6 May 2008, 23:56, closed)

so im not the only one
it seems like its some sort of crime to be a guy and not like football, never got into it when i was a kid and dont intend to start

when i see grown men cry because their team didnt win i feel all happy and smile because i know il never be that pathetic
(rocknroll_pirate had a dream involving holly willoughby and custard, Wed 7 May 2008, 0:20, closed)

I think football is ace
I find people complaining about it pretty tedious.
(meat2veg hello!, Wed 7 May 2008, 0:36, closed)

You've been a member for four months and twenty four days...
...and THAT is the witticism best you can come up with?

Fuck off back to lurking sonny.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 7 May 2008, 1:00, closed)

Amen brother....
I second that motion, football is a complete waste of time, media coverage and money.
(Howling_Mad Gave God the finger on:, Wed 7 May 2008, 1:35, closed)

why can't they just decide which team is the best once and for all
and then stop playing?
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 7 May 2008, 5:29, closed)

The game itself is fine
I used to play soccer as a young 'un, until I went to a rugby-playing school in Somerset, and loved running around and occasionally sticking the ball in the back of the old net. There's nothing fundamentally wrong with the activity in itself (it's just one of many team sports), but all the baggage you've mentioned completely turned me off the sport about 15 years ago. The ridiculous amount of hype and coverage, the grammatically-challenged pundits droning on about how "the boy done well", the ballooning pay packets, the moronic tribal chanting at matches, the fact that the audience has to be split into two for safety reasons(!), the way that many young girls see marrying a player as their primary career path, the racism and bigotry and the perception that if you don't follow the sport you're not a "normal bloke" all piss me right off.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Wed 7 May 2008, 8:54, closed)

Agreed!
I'm a rugby girl myself.
And there are far better sports out there, which get no coverage at all, such as fives. And I think there should be more show-jumping and eventing on. But that's because I like horses.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Wed 7 May 2008, 9:47, closed)

Having dealt with a few footballers
Some are nice enough, others have the social interaction skills of a potted plant.

And some are, indeed, thicker than a whale sandwich.

Bit of a laff when they pass 30 and their knees go and they can do absolutely nothing but play with a ball. Shame.

However (and this is a personal message to my soon-to-be former 'colleagues'), I am glad that you passionately support your local team. I am happy that you take your family to watch people running around what is essentially a well manicured field on a Saturday. I am delighted for you that you got a gut-full of Stella on Saturday night and stamped on someone's head who dared to disagree with your choice of team.

I just don't want to hear about it EVERY SODDING DAY. No more shouts across the showroom of whichever terrace slogan is today's favourite. No more endless debates about a signing, a manager, whatever. Just shut the bastard fuck up. Another thing that I won't miss when I get the bin-liner of doom.

I quite enjoy watching a match, I just have other interests, and think that Premiership Footballers in particular should be horsewhipped in public, if only for their ties.

And, to repeat myself somewhat (us old 'uns are allowed to do that), they are NOT 'Heroes'.

They are moderately talented athletes, who are earning a cushy living doing about two days work a week, tend to have orange female companions, and ludicrous amounts of cash. Heroes my arse.
(osok Rebel without a clue, Wed 7 May 2008, 10:37, closed)