Peter Andre helped me fire my beans
I went through a phase of submitting personal ads in the early nineties but due to a number of mental issues I had, for some inexplicable reason I imposed the rule on myself that I must only use lyrics from the song Mysterious Girl by Peter Andre.

My first advert went as follows: "Woah oh oh oh oh oh oh." Did I get a reply? Did I snot.

I pondered the various reasons for the snub and came up with the answer - my ad was effectively meaningless so I had another crack at it. The second ad read "I stop and stare at you, walking on the shore. I try to concentrate, but my mind wants to explore."

This was more successful. "Brilliant" I thought, but to my dismay, the dirty trollop I had lured actually WAS Peter Andre. He turned up round my gaff, all greased up like a sweaty kebab seller. "Hiya mate, hows about a bit of a cuddle" He propositions me, seductively rubbing his 5-pack.

"No thanks, Andre I'm after a bird thanks. And anyway, didn't you used to have a 6-pack? What happened to the other erm ...pack?"

"I sold it mate" came the reply. "Rhino from Gladiators got confused and attacked his own stomach and then he offered to buy mine for £20 and a shitload of Um Bongo so I jumped at the chance."

"Bye". I said closing the door and set about composing a more deliberate 3rd advert.

"The Tropical Scent of you, takes me up above. Girl when I look at you, oh I fall in love!"

I sat by my phone and waited for the inevitable response. It took 5 minutes. It was only Andi F*cking Peters. He said I'd charmed him with my beautifully constructed verse and wanted me to bum the shit out of him. I was bored by this point and decided I might as well bum the little twat.

Then I watched Allo' Allo'!

Good 'Moaning'
(Andrew Avetoom, Sat 15 Sep 2007, 15:37, Reply)