Cake or Death?
Death, please.

Sometimes, I look at cake.

It shines under the lights of the displays at the cake shop, the sweet chocolate coating glistens invitingly and my mouth begins to water.

I think longingly of the chocolate and cream swirls running through the tempting confection, and stare with something approaching lust at the delicate chocolate and sugar decoration that adorn the top.

I reach out, desperate to have this wonderous cake for my own.

But I stop. My hand begins to tremble. My forehead takes on a light sheen and my mouth, previously watering, takes on that slightly acidic taste that announces Uncle Vomit is coming to stay, and he's in a pretty big hurry.

You see, it is not cake that I'm scared of. I do, in fact, have an actual pathalogical fear of having cake in my mouth. Just the thought of the spongey texture coating my tongue and sticking to my teeth is enough to send me in to waves of pure disgust.

I am strange, I have grown tro accept this.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:16, 105 replies)

the cake is fine -
it's the icing I can't stand.

Uncle Vomit is one of those bad uncles your parents warn you about. Avoid him! Avoid him at all costs!
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:18, closed)

You are strange.
Cayke is my life.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:18, closed)

I am currently
eating a large tart. Would that count?
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:19, closed)

^
I currently am a large tart, does that count?
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:21, closed)

Cake!
Now I want cake. Lots and lots of cake.

But I have none, and it makes me sad. Back to 'work' it is.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:22, closed)

mmmmm cake
I am sitting about ten feet away from all the cake in the world. It comes with free coffee. I am in heaven.

*drools, then scampers off to get scones*
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:24, closed)

Clicky for the Eddie Izzard ref
And sympathy for the texture thingy - I'm exactly the same with fruit.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:25, closed)

@HLT
Damn you and your free confectionary-based goodies.

They should have a cake home delivery service in every town I feel.

*Wishes they really did*
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:26, closed)

@ CHCB
If you smother yourself in chocolate we can get cracking on the Second Coming.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:26, closed)

We don't have cake at work
But someone left 65p in the vending machine, so I'm happy about that.

Just need to decide what to spend it on... A mars bar, or a boost.
( Cawl, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:28, closed)

@PenguinofDeath
ha, I get to see all the shows for free too

*is smug*
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:29, closed)

@chickenlady
*buys jar of nutella*
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:29, closed)

@Kaol BOOST! With Guarana.
@CHCB and chickenlady, you two are the filth.

@HLT Shows? What shows..?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:29, closed)

Not being able to eat cake
is a crippling disability. I suggest you seek therapy.
(Connor Lingus is running this monkey farm now, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:30, closed)

@Kaol
Mars bar every time. Every. Single. Time.

Damn, this has brought on actual chocolate cravings in me.

Argh!
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:30, closed)

@Kaol
both are horrible, but a mars bar is the lesser of two evils.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:30, closed)

@CHCB and POD
You are both wrong! The Boost has the lovely biscuity chunks in it.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:31, closed)

@ CHCB
I think we will need to have BGB document this with her rude drawings so we can excite educate all the acolytes.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:32, closed)

@HLT
What kind of magical place is this with free food and shows?

As long as the shows don't involve goats, that is. Ah, the mental scarring...

@CHCB I though those of the female persuasion could not resist any sort of chocolate-based snack?
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:33, closed)

Agrees with Bert Monkeysex
Boost. Although you can't get the coconut ones anymore. Damn you Cadbury's!
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:35, closed)

Just as an aside...
I currently have a word right on the tip of my tongue (fnaar!) and perhaps someone can tell me what it is....It's a bit like acolyte, but it means someone who is imprisoned, a sex slave (I think) and the word catacomb comes to mind too - although I realise that's not the right word.

What is that bloody word?
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:35, closed)

@Chickenlady
No, tarts are fine. I encourage the eating of tarts!

Fnar...
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:36, closed)

@Penguin
chocolate is lovely when it's just chocolate, nice solid chocolate. It is unlovely when in sugary bars containing things like *shudder* biscuit. Chocolate biscuits, however, are perfectly acceptable and are to be encouraged.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:36, closed)

@chickenlady
catamite?
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:37, closed)

^^
Aconite?

*edit* No, that's a plant.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:37, closed)

Catamite
Yep....as soon as I'd posted my brain began to clunk...and I realised I'd told myself where to look for the word.

It's a sex slave for cats.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:38, closed)

@CHCB
So sugary bars containing biscuit are bad, but chocolate biscuits, containing sugary chocolate and biscuit are ok?

Females = confusing
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:39, closed)

catamite
I think is what you're looking for

PS to PoD - darling, I work in a theatre what has a cafe, hence free cake and entertainment...
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:39, closed)

@ancrenne
Marmite is satan's own jizz, it's more disgusting than an althegeordie post.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:40, closed)

@Penguin
it's the chocolate:biscuit ratio that applies.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:41, closed)

@ Ancrenne
Anchorite? Aren't they butter loving sailors?
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:41, closed)

Mmmm...
Penguin chocolate biscuit...

I love the crap jokes on those things.

EDIT Marmite cake?
*vomits*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:42, closed)

@HLT
Hmm, I may have to try and find a way to gain employment in one of these 'theatres'. I will also have to find where there is one nearby. Or at this point, even just a shop that sells chocolate. Or a piece of chocolate someone has dropped on the ground...
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:42, closed)

AAAAAAAAHHHHRRGGH!
MARMITE CAKE?

*vomits everywhere*
( Cawl, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:42, closed)

Oh! Oh! Penguin biscuit jokes!
Why don't polar bears eat penguins?














Because they're bears, stupid.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:43, closed)

Ancrenne
Anchorite? That's someone who smears themself in butter before the act of 'engaging' isn't it?



Can you still get Anchor butter btw? Just out of *ahem* curiosity...
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:43, closed)

@Burt
Was penguin chocolate biscuit a shot at me? Do you want to eat me?

*Shudders*

@Chickenlady - Don't sailors just love butter for it's lubricating qualities? That's what I heard anyway.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:44, closed)

@chickenlady
.....I don't get it.

:C

@PoD I'll eat you if you like, I've never had Penguin before...
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:44, closed)

Cheesecake!
Is the nectar of the Gods.

I shall send myself into a state of religious fervour and draw the visiions I see.
( girlinthehole, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:46, closed)

Yeah,
I don't like Uncle Vomit.

Him and Auntie Food Poisoning always make me feel terrible whenever they come to visit.
( Cawl, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:46, closed)

@Burt
I would prefer not to be eaten to be honest. I have a feeling it wouldn't be a hugely enjoyable experience.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:47, closed)

@ Bert
It's after they've managed to cross the entire globe to reach the penguins and then wrestle their wrappers off..that's when they discover they don't eat chocolate biscuits...because they are...

Never mind. Here, have this instead.

*hands slightly worn goat*
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:47, closed)

Ancrenne...
I couldn't possibly implicate myself one way or the other :-D







Yes.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:48, closed)

@PoD
You never know until you give it a try.

I don't have to eat all of you, just the bits you choose.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:48, closed)

@chickenlady
What happened to your goats?
You keep saying you used to have them...
( Cawl, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:49, closed)

@Burt
*Tries to think of body parts that are unnecessary*

Erm, maybe my spleen? Appendix? I don't think my right little finger gets that much use either..
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:50, closed)

Rolling pins..?
*eek*
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:52, closed)

@ Kaol
They were sold to a band of travelling sex slave dwarves who ran a circus on the side.

Have you ever seen a side circus? It's a rare sight to behold.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:53, closed)

This is why I love B3ta!
Fear of Cake to Buttery Nuns in 50-odd posts!

:)

Obligatory penguin joke:

What goes black/white/black/white/black/white/black?

A penguin rolling down a hill!



What? I've got limited material!
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:54, closed)

@PoD
You need those for your immune system silly!

I was thinking, maybe you lower Penguin beak?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:54, closed)

@chickenlady
Side circus?
Isn't that when you're going at it with a partner who has a colostomy bag and then you sti... No... It isn't, is it?

Consider tone lowered
( Cawl, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:55, closed)

@ PoD & Bert
Strangely enough I had a nightmare the other night about the German cannibal Merwes (or similar) and I dreamt he was trying to offer me a pair of testicles to eat. I would have accepted but they were both charred and still rather hairy. Odd.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:55, closed)

@Bert, PoD
I hear than penguin wings are very tasty...
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:55, closed)

@chickenlady
Not so much odd, as disturbing.

*waits for the cooked penguin cock*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:56, closed)

Hello catamites
Ever had Gary Rhodes' giant Jaffa Cake?

It's basically a 12 inch Jaffa Cake.

By Christ it's good...

The End
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:57, closed)

@ Kaol
I thought that was bin-bagging.


Side circuses can be seen parading up and down the coastal towns of southern Iran or Northwest Essex - whichever is seasonally best for that time of month.





(What the hell was in that tart?)
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:57, closed)

@Chickenlady
Charred and hairy? How is that even possible?

@Burt I'm not so sure I have an immune system these days. And would the upper beak not be better? At least then It would still be like some sort of funnel into my gullet.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:58, closed)

Oh Fuck
I've got some fucking Jaffa Cakes in my pocket!
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:59, closed)

@ PoD
That very thought went through my mind as I had the dream. It reminded me a little of a barbecue briquette with pubes.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:59, closed)

And
Stay away from my unmentionables Burt! I didn't say you could have those.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 11:59, closed)

@chickenlady
Same as in most tarts:
Two lungs
Two kidneys
A liver
Misc. pipework
A heart
Ducting
Bones
Reproductive areas.
( Cawl, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:00, closed)

@ DiT
They should go into a Side Circus - Fucking Jaffa Cakes are very rare.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:00, closed)

@ Kaol
Whatever was in it now is in me and it's playing free-form Jazz with my thoughts.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:01, closed)

I'm finding it hard to keep up now
I only popped to the canteen for a sandwich! And yes, ancrenne - I did read Humpty's Womble porn - I'm trying to blot it from my memory.

Whatever next? Rainbow porn? Moomin porn? Muppet porn?
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:03, closed)

Yeah...
I've got a touch of the typing-gush myself.

*wish I wasn't at work so could channel it into something productive*
( Cawl, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:04, closed)

Davros...
NOT MOOMIN PORN! Never Moomin porn!

Eww, I shudder at the thought of stop-motion animated porn, and not in a good way!
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:05, closed)

@Davros
Rainbow porn!

Rod, Jane and Freddie spitroast!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:06, closed)

@Chickenlady
It was the very first thing I thought of when I read it.

And your reply brought even worse images to my mind.

*Goes to find sandpaper to remove images*
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:06, closed)

@Rainbow Pr0n
Did Rod ever remind anyone of Mick Fleetwood?
No? Just me then. *Gets coat. Leaves. Narrowly avoids door hitting arse on exit*
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:13, closed)

Rainbow Pr0n
Well Zippy is already wearing a gimp mask, George is clearly a transvestite and it's not a huge leap of imagination to see Jane being held by her hair while Bungle takes her roughly from behind.


Or is that just me?
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:18, closed)

@chickenlady
Bungle's too soft. Zippy, he's a go-er.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:19, closed)

Rainbow porn
at least two of the characters are used to being fisted anyway...
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:22, closed)

But you'd have to zip him up so as not to hear his bloody voice
But I bet George does wonderful things with his tongue - he always talks as if his tongue is far too big for his mouth.

And I'm sure Freddie, or is it Rod? The one with the beard (who scarily looks a little like our very own TRL) is 'adventurous', probably with Rod, or Freddie.

While Jane watches as George licks her slowly and Bungle lays a Bungle finger on Zippy's zipped up mouth.



Bloody hell. Pass the mind bleach
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:23, closed)

@Chickenlady
Here, use my sandpaper from earlier.

*Passes well used sandpaper*
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:26, closed)

PoD
What's the sticky stuff on the sandpaper?
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:27, closed)

@Chickenlady
Somehow I knew that was coming....

But don't worry, it's just brains.

Oh, hang on, that's not good either.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:30, closed)

Raunchy Rainbow
uk.youtube.com/watch?v=WcgzKrDYc1M
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:30, closed)

Is that the innuendo filled out-take?
God, that was brilliant. A deliberate piss take, but brilliant.

*edit* yes it is...
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:32, closed)

On the subject of rainbow porn
Geoffrey must have had some fucking weird genetics to give rise to a pink hippo, a bear and a Zippy. (What the fuck was Zippy anyway, apart from the product of someone's deranged imagination)?
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:38, closed)

Legendary!
I've never seen that before! :)

Full office lol!
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:38, closed)

@ Davros
Geoffrey wasn't their parent he was simply their main care giver. Or their pimp.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:40, closed)

Dr Who/Rainbow Crossover Trivia
'Specially for Davros:

Zippy was voiced by Roy Skelton, who is best known for being the voice of the Daleks in Dr. Who.

TRUFAX!

EDIT - Roy Skelton also did the voice for George. If he'd used the same voice for the Daleks they would have been truly terrifying!
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:42, closed)

Pimp, definitely
with that dress sense.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:43, closed)

Btw...
i think 'Cake or Death' would be a good name for the first album of the Tube Cooties.
( girlinthehole, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:43, closed)

@ DiT
I knew that - would you expect anything else?

I saw Roy Skelton on a programme once, 100 greatest kids programmes (part of the ‘we’ve got a four hour hole in our schedule, how the fuck are we gonna fill it’ season on channel 4 a few years back). They were asking him if he recorded the voices for Zippy and George separately, and he said no – and proceeded to act out an argument between said characters, flitting effortlessly between the two.

Surreal.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:47, closed)

@ Davros
Certainly wouldn't want to take him to bed then. I'd be tied over whether to slap him for being Zippy or lay back and let him and his tongue be George.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:50, closed)

Haha
@Davros - I expected no less, of course!

@BGB - "Go wild, go crazy for CAKE OR DEATH!!" It works! :)
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:50, closed)

100
?

Edit: Fuck yes!
( Cawl, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:51, closed)

^Yep!
Woo!
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:51, closed)

@chickenlady
You’ve just robbed me of the last vestige of my childhood with that mental image…
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 16 Apr 2008, 13:00, closed)

Davros
That's my job.
Now be a good lad and get on your knees ready for our daily devotionals.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 13:07, closed)

Yes ma'am
*adopts kneeling position*
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 16 Apr 2008, 14:51, closed)

Sho, Devil in Tightsh,
what'sh your take on jam troushersh.....?
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Thu 17 Apr 2008, 10:46, closed)