Fwd emails
You know those forwarded emails you get? Not the phishing ones, or the NIGERIAN SPAM ones, but the ones that say things like "You know you are old when the word gay no longer means happy... haha lol haha" or "Have you seen Maddy?!" or "Smile at the person who packs your parachute!" or any collection of a) recycled jokes by American comedians, b) PowerPoint slide shows of photographs of nature interspersed with Pablo Neruda poems, c) anything involving optimism and silver linings in all its hideously nauseating glory, or d) the "news" that some child is missing/needs a toe transplant/has died but is now an angel who wants her email sent to the world so that others can feel angelic.

Well, I don't fear those. No. What I fear is a world that reads those emails, accepts those emails as some sort of truth and feels it necessary to forward them to me.

Therefore, I have trained my mother well: each time I receive such crap from her (all of which I first saw in 1995 anyway) I hit "Reply All" and type "MA! THIS IS BOLLIX!" underneath it. I consider it a public service.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:00, 66 replies)

I hate
Anything that goes on about how great everything is.

Fucking idiots.

You're made of meat, meat has a shelf-life, stop waiting for something good to happen and get off your arse and achieve something.

/rant.
( Cawl, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:02, closed)

I like Neruda poetry
Just saying.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:02, closed)

@chickenlady
I think I'd like it more if it wasn't in a bad Powerpoint slideshow with horrible cheesy nature photos.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:04, closed)

I used to hate this kind of thing,
but now I've solved the problem.
By getting rid of all my friends.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:04, closed)

@ Kaol
You might like this story - not one of mine but it's a good one.

They're made of meat
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:05, closed)

Have you received the one
Which has the impossible paintings (where they go from grass to a jungle or a child's hand to a tramp) with the added bonus of lift music!
Class.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:06, closed)

Absolutely!
I'm not even impressed by the guy that does 3D pavement art any more.

I'm always tempted to reply "there's a whole world out there! GO SEE IT AND STOP SENDING ME CRAPPY E-MAILS!"

But then I think I'd look like an arse, so I don't.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:09, closed)

Thanks for that Chickenlady
*grins*
Hopefully they'll come and take me away soon...
( Cawl, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:09, closed)

perceptual illusion one?
Oh yes.

Music?
Oh dear god no - for the love of St. Mimsy, noooooooo!
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:09, closed)

We should make
Our own slideshow...
To send back to all the fuckers that waste our time with their shite.

Pictures of Goatse, penis surgery, bestiality, that kinda stuff.

And then put some Aphex Twin as the music to it.
( Cawl, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:13, closed)

I
Have only ever received one of those e-mails that was any good, and that was only because it made kids look stupid.

You really are into the public services these day CHCB, eh?
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:14, closed)

Just wait until you start to get this one in your inbox
I got it on Stumbleupon yesterday.

Our Little Thumbelina Angel


I feel sorry for the poor kid. Imagine going through life being called Kenadie.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:14, closed)

@Penguin
I live to serve.
I live to serve anyone but my vile and hated place of work.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:14, closed)

@chcb
You're now officially serving me, ok?
( Cawl, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:16, closed)

@ CHCB
A friend of mine works at the same institution as you. He moved there out of choice but he's an artist so I suspect some huge undercover art project rather than love of the place.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:16, closed)

@CHCB
How thoughtful of you. Does that mean you take on other people's workload to avoid doing your own?

*Crosses fingers hopefully*
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:17, closed)

I am always intrigued
as to how sick children become so angelic. In fact, the more terminal their condition, the more wondrously pure and holy they become. Don't any of the evil little fuckers get sick? Is it just the good who die young?

Edit: my services are not free.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:17, closed)

I can pay you
In unconditional love

Or in gold coin.
( Cawl, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:19, closed)

@ Kaol
My skin is now creeping.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:20, closed)

@Kaol
one of my biggest phobias, unconditional love.

*muses on gold coins*
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:20, closed)

@CHCB
It's one of life's unwritten rules.
No bad people ever die, and all serial killers have neighbours who say, when interviewed, "He kept himself to himself. Enjoyed his late night gardening..."
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:20, closed)

@CHCB
I can pay you in A3 paper, as it's all around me.

No? Didn't think so.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:20, closed)

Hahaha!
*wishes he wasn't so tired from gardening last night*
( Cawl, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:21, closed)

@Penguin
what colour of paper? What grade? Will there be access to other types of stationery?
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:21, closed)

@CHCB
It's mostly white unfortunately, but some has as nice black border, and ranging from 80 to 130 gsm.

And there are many other types of stationary, including fancy coloured pens if that's what floats your boat...

Attractive proposition, no?
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:24, closed)

Fuck that...
I've got coloured pins!
( Cawl, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:25, closed)

Oh! PoD
Stationary! We could all become very fond of you....

CHCB and I have exchanged messages on the wondrous nature of paper and pens. In fact I even sent a message telling her about my ecstasy in a branch of Borders that had both a Paperchase and a Starbucks in there.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:26, closed)

^
Ys, my cult views this as a vision of the Afterlife for good followers.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:27, closed)

@CHCB
I can pay you in beer?
(Eds Meds Mathskillz=1,Socialskillz=0, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:28, closed)

on facebook
why does everyone insist on forwarding the dog which you press Alt +F4 on ? why? really?

infact i forwarded on to everyone and said what it did at the bottom to stop the forwarding...

cue three weeeks later i have a wall full of my email which has obviously just been forwarded by the retards i call 'friends'

I have since deleted any funwall, superwall etc...
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:28, closed)

@Chickenlady
Ah, Paperchase and Starbucks....

We also have the Art Store just out the back of our Borders, so it's a veritable mall of stationary.

And I have coloured pins too. And a giant set square....
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:28, closed)

I'm overcome
with excitement.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:30, closed)

^^
I raise you green paperclips and a 'confirmation' stamp.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:32, closed)

@Boss Keloid
Hmm, that's an interesting raise.

How about a set of compass' with my name on, and a set of pens that cost £5 each?
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:34, closed)

All the stuff
I have unlimited access to isn't "nice", it makes me sound creepy.

1 x Number 3 scalpel
5 x 10A blades for above
5 x clamps (may be suitable for nipples)
1 x Stationary cupboard key
1 x Sawblade room key
( Cawl, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:35, closed)

@Penguin
Rotring pens? I used to have my own set. Ahhhh, nostalgia.

Edit: *is intrigued by Kaol's collection of tools. Intrigued and slightly worried.*
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:36, closed)

@PoD
Curses....FOLD!
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:36, closed)

Yes, yes it does
I do like the sound of that stationary cupboard key though.

edit: No CHCB, they are Pantone markers. The uni loves them and told us we should buy them. It made my bank account hate the uni.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:37, closed)

What about
some exercise books or note books?

I prefer hardback.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:38, closed)

*grins*
The "mystery prize" is in the sawblade room.

Will you gamble everything for it?
( Cawl, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:39, closed)

Hmmm.
I'll gamble my mother for it. One careful owner and all her own teeth.

@chickenlady - I like nice hardback notebooks but I get more writing done in softback jotters.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:40, closed)

Any further offers
on one carefuly used mother?
( Cawl, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:41, closed)

@Chickenlady
Exercise books. Hardbacks just annoy me, although they have the bonus of possible mid-air use.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:42, closed)

@ Kaol
How about one vigorously abused Granny?
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:42, closed)

@ Boss
No dice.
( Cawl, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:43, closed)

Sullied otters
Would probably be reasonably difficult to write on. Mostly because they're otters.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:47, closed)

Hard vs. Soft
The hard ones certainly look nice and feel nice in your hand but the soft ones are easily carried around in your bag.
I tend to write more in the soft ones but covet a few good hard ones all the time.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:48, closed)

^ PoD
Easy...
Two steps:

1) Shave otter
2) Tattoo otter.
( Cawl, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:48, closed)

@chickenlady
Plus you could give someone a hell of a spanking with a hard one.
( Cawl, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:49, closed)

@Chickenlady
That could have been so good for the innuendo's until you mentioned carrying it around in a bag. That would just have made it disturbing.

And painful.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:50, closed)

@ Kaol
I think your hand would end up hurting though with the hardness of it. The soft one could still give a smarting nip, or alternately roll it up and thrash them with it.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:51, closed)

@ PoD
It's that disturbing nightmare again. Can't get the image of charcoal 'nads out of my head.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:52, closed)

Dammit
The sandpaper had removed it from my head until you brought it back.

I'm destined to picture charred 'nads for ever more..
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:54, closed)

"you think"?
Suuure...

I refuse to get drawn into a conversation about spanking at lunchtime on a Wednesday, when there is no prospect of sex for the forseeable future.
( Cawl, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:54, closed)

But Kaol
We're only a mere three hours away from our devotions. Not long until we can all practice Self-Love as demanded by our Messiah.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:59, closed)

your messiah
might not be up for it today. Your messiah is seriously contemplating stress-related leave.
(Edit: from work, not from being the new friggin' messiah.)
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 13:00, closed)

@CHCB
What on earth do you do that's so stressful? Apart from dogging on building sites I mean.

*Hopes he doesn't get hit*
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 13:04, closed)

I'm in a job I currently detest
and they are treating me shabbily, so I am getting very little done, getting very worked up about getting very little done, and am either going to flip out and break things or cry (and I don't like crying).
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 13:06, closed)

Well
That well and truely sucks. I actually fear getting a job I hate once I'm graduated. Smashing things would probably be quite high up on my list of to do's.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 13:09, closed)

@POD
Welcome to the real world!

90% of the human race works in a job they hate.

Factoid!

May even be more.
( girlinthehole, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 13:47, closed)

Fw e-mails
I can;t stand them. Especially the creept chain letter wannabes:

'Pass this to all of your friends or a piano will land on your head and cockraoches will eat your genitals while you are chased by clowns'

God I hate them. Although the joke ones can be funny, depends how many times you've recieved them...
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 14:00, closed)

@BGB
Well, I fear it, but in reality I am well prepared for it. As long as there isn't someone employed to stand over me and whip me to make me work, it should be better than my expectations.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 14:05, closed)

@PoD
If it was a couple of the young ladies in my office doing the whipping, I don't think I would mind.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 14:10, closed)

@Boss Keloid
If it was, it probably wouldn't help productivity.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 14:12, closed)

@PoD
Probably not. I place a lot of phone orders. My voice may get drowned out by the crack of leather on skin.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 14:15, closed)