not a phobia, just very frustrating
I'm hornier than a horny thing full of horn. But I'm stuck at work, so there's nothing I can do about it, and consequently, I can't get any work done.

*sighs*
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:13, 53 replies)

Er...
I'm more or less lost for words...
Toilet - Lock door - Go for it?
( Cawl, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:14, closed)

Wait til 4pm
then sneak off to the lav.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:15, closed)

bin there, dun that
made it worse
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:15, closed)

You'll be OK
come 4pm.

*sniggers*

'Come' 4pm.

*sniggers again*
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:15, closed)

Oh...
Well... Do it again?
Hook up with someone at work?
Er... Go home "ill"?
( Cawl, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:17, closed)

1. Find Man
2. Jump on Man
3. Satisfy your needs
4. Dispose of man.
5. Probably best not to profit
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:17, closed)

@ Bert
I'll have to wait until I get home tonight and just hope I've not gone off the boil by then

*wriggles*
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:21, closed)

If you've
"gone off the boil" just think of Burt... And his hairy, hairy face....
( Cawl, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:23, closed)

Lucky fella waiting for you at home then?
I think you should go with Kaol's suggestion, go home ill, and get that fella to give you the seeing to of your life!
....

@Kaol, my face is the new rhythm method. :D
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:23, closed)

@ Bert
yes, yes, oh my god yes!

no chance of him throwing a sickie though.

Still I can get all nice and worked up this afternoon and wriggle a bit in my car on the way home.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:29, closed)

drive over the white lines
and rumble strips.

it'll make you feel good
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:29, closed)

@Tulip
Did I just give you a webgasm?

Well, there's a first.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:31, closed)

@ Bert
could be...
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:34, closed)

*Sigh*
Just try being horny when your special friend lives in a different country.
( girlinthehole, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:35, closed)

@Burt
The first that you know of anyway....
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:35, closed)

Just try
Having the epic horn when you look like a small monkey.
( Cawl, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:36, closed)

YEAH!
No, wait, that's a bad thing. I'm very, very lucky to have my lovely mrs.

@PoD you too? Fantastic, I'm making 'em come all over the shop today.

EDIT @BGB My lovely Mrs lives 100 miles away, I only get to see her about twice a month, this makes me sad.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:38, closed)

@BGB
Ouch, not fun.

*sends... doesn't know what to send. cake?*
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:39, closed)

@Burt
No, not me, fortunately.

It would take a lot for a man/monkey to give me teh 'gasm.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:40, closed)

@Tulip
Thanks for the cake. I'm getting used to it now.
( girlinthehole, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:41, closed)

@PoD
*tries anyway*
*dangles small fish*
*lures into cave using Penguins Only Magazine*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:42, closed)

@BGB
nae bother petal. and there's always teh phone secks...
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:43, closed)

@Burt
What would be in an adult penguin mag?

They don't wear anything, so they couldn't be stripping..

*Goes into cave just to see what's in it*
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:44, closed)

@Tulip
Were both crap at phone sex but email sex is shit hot!
( girlinthehole, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:45, closed)

Burt...
I've warned you, if you get your "small fish" out in public any more, you'll never work with children again.
( Cawl, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:45, closed)

Sorry Kaol!
*Puts little fish away*

@PoD There are plenty of things the penguins can do, I have penguin bukkake if you like?
*touches inappropriately*

@BGB work on the phone sex, I was crap at it, but we kept trying, and I am now king of the 100 mile away orgasm.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:48, closed)

@Thanks Bert
I'll ask him if he wants to give it another go : )
( girlinthehole, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:50, closed)

@Burt
I can think of very few things that I would like to see less.

*Woot, found some chocolate*
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:52, closed)

Don't do that BGB!
Be spontaneous, even if it just means one of you doing all the talking at first. I'm sure you both know each other well enough to know what stuff turns you on, which language you can and can't use etc...

For instance, I once used the phrase 'dripping flange' during a bout of phone sex. Talk about ruining the moment.. :D
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:55, closed)

@Burt
'Dripping flange' just made me think of plumbing for some reason.

What's wrong with me?
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:57, closed)

make sure you don't leave a damp patch

(Vinegar strokes Should know better on, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 12:59, closed)

@PoD
Nothing, nothing at all.

Now get back in that cave!

*penguintoucher*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 13:00, closed)

Maybe I should just keep sending the nude pictures...
Although what he does with them all I'll never know.
( girlinthehole, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 13:00, closed)

@ BGB
www.bgbnudepictures.com
( Cawl, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 13:02, closed)

But
There's no room apart from that space between the goat and the monkey, and I really don't want to get in there.

Joining your list of throwaway toys that you never really loved....
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 13:02, closed)

As Billy Connolly once said...
I'm rubbish at sexy talk, because I'm usually quietly fucking grateful...
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 13:03, closed)

@Kaol Ahahahaha!!!^^
Variety is the spice of life.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 13:03, closed)

Phone sex
Is only any good (in my opinion) with someone you've never had real sex with. Otherwise something ridiculous pops into my head...for example - He tells me I'm lovely - I reply, that's only because I've just won the lottery.

Or similar.

Goats and monkeys work though.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 13:04, closed)

Burt
I thought you loved me Burt!!! And now I find out I'm no better than a slightly used goat to you.

*Cries*
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 13:05, closed)

@chickenlady
You're just not doing it right.

My Mrs loves it when I call her up mid goat-monkey orgy.

@PoD Goats, monkeys and penguins, the list goes on, I love you all, deeply.

At least, six inches deeply.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 13:06, closed)

@ Bert
Only six inches?
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 13:09, closed)

@chicken
On a good day.
( Cawl, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 13:10, closed)

Well....
*too modest to say*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 13:10, closed)

Well
This is actually freaking me out slightly.

I really hope I don't have nightmare about getting taken by a sexmonkey tonight.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 13:14, closed)

@PoD, Nightmare?
I'll be there at 8.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 13:15, closed)

phonesex
is tricky because I get distracted too easily when talking and go into stream of consciousness "mmm, yeah, baby, that's it, I love it when you - oh look! There's a really nice Saab 900 outside, I'd love one of those. Maybe not a green one. My new shoes are green. They have a lumpy bit on the inside that digs into the arch of my foot. Honey? Honey are you there?"

Whereas the written word is much more powerful and has me quivering over my keyboard. How d'ye think Wanking Wednesday came about?
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 13:16, closed)

I don't know!
Tell us the story, Oh Great One!
( Cawl, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 13:17, closed)

@CHCB
I'm a fan of it all now, I was too uptight to phonesex before, and always preferred to write long, naughty messages, or text filth, but now I likes the phonesex too.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 13:18, closed)

@ CHCB
Wow, that's like the last chapter in Ulysses.
Except for the Saab.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 13:18, closed)

So...
You must immediately write down the excellent mischevious thoughts in the form of a sexilicious story and
a) post on the QotW to spread the suffering around.
b) email to whoever is going to help with the trouble.
c) print and stick in a bag for later perusal.
d) other.
( DukeEuphoria Comes highly reccomended, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 13:26, closed)

The thing about phone sex is...
The phone gets too wet and it's very hard to clean.

Ba dum tish!
( girlinthehole, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 13:27, closed)

@BGB
but it's great if you get a call, the vibrations...!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 13:28, closed)

Pffft
Imagine how I feel - the SO has just MMSed me a pic of her trying out the new toy.

On the bright side though - I just found out I 'have' to go into town to buy um...something we need in the office...

:)
( snee held his breath since, Thu 17 Apr 2008, 8:22, closed)