Loosing my passport.
I have a phobia of loosing my passport. I check its still there like every half hour of my waking day.
Why you may ask? If I lost it I could just get another before I go on holiday??

Well I dont live on the island of the UK. And I cross a manned land border twice a day to get from home to work. If I lost it at work I'd be literally sleeping with the monkeys. If I lost it at home. I wouldnt be able to get work. Would not be good!

My passport is the only proof of my nationality that is recognised worldwide. I dont think a lot of brits appreciate that. And how a british passport will get you much further than most others.
(Miggyman, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 15:10, 117 replies)

Huh!
Bloody American airport security don't seem to give a fig if your British. Still treat you like a third world refugee trying to get into their country for nefarious purposes.
( girlinthehole, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 15:13, closed)

yeah!
bloody yanks!

I saw one being sick at Oxford Circus yesterday and he only went and ate it! Merkins.... Grumble grumble.
(aroe_m0rre, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 15:15, closed)

an Irish passport
is the bees knees though. I love mine.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 15:15, closed)

Do you get anything good free with an Irish passport?
I was thinking about getting one, but the british one came with a free lawnmower so I was hooked.

Feel a bit cheated now though, might defect to Poland, apparently they are getting all our jobs.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 15:19, closed)

Hmmm...
you're afraid of stretching your passport out? Is that how it becomes loose? I can see where that might give one fears...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 16 Apr 2008, 15:20, closed)

a free sense of superiority
at being a citizen of the Isle of Saints and Scholars, repressed but never beaten, etc, loved in every country in the world except, for some reason, the Czech Republic.

If trade is slack they've been known to throw in a free Daniel O'Donnell CD. For some strange reason there are stacks of unsold copies.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 15:22, closed)

Irish Passport
I got a free red lemonade coupon when I got my Irish passport.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 15:22, closed)

^
yes, and some Tayto and a free packet of Kimberleys, Mikados, or Coconut Creams. And a copy of "Ireland's Own". And a tractor.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 15:24, closed)

I love Americans...quite literally...
But their airport security can all go to fuck.
( girlinthehole, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 15:25, closed)

..
...and you know, a horse running up a street...
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 15:26, closed)

a horse running up the street
in slow motion.

And a girl in a cloak.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 15:27, closed)

^^^and signed copies of
'The Commitments' on DVD?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 15:27, closed)

^
I knew "sleeping with the monkeys" would attract you, Sexmonkey.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 15:29, closed)

And
For all you snake phobiaists out there, you get the satisfaction that your patron saint did you a great favour back in the day. While England's was only useful to those with an irrational fear of dragons. And I don't think fear of dragons is that irrational.

@aroe you may be confusing merkins with drunken chavs from our own shores
(Bazongaloid, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 15:32, closed)

AAAAAAARGH!!!
'LOSING'

It's a passport, not a fucking falcon.


*breathes*

EDIT Loon, dear boy, you handled this both earlier and more politely than me.
*Bows with a flourish*
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 15:32, closed)

I can't deny it
/loves sleeping with the monkees.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 15:32, closed)

So...
Anyone on for the 4pm Mass?
( Cawl, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 15:34, closed)

@Kaol
I'm always ready!

If you need stoking up, I have some Penguin porn...
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 15:35, closed)

@Burt
Is the penguin porn really just the pictures you took in the cave?
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 15:39, closed)

Oooooh penguins
*looks at Berts pictures*

*achieves tumescence*
(Bazongaloid, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 15:39, closed)

I'm not in the mood today
I require much hugging, sympathy and alcohol instead. But you guys can fire ahead. Besides, I had a quick fumble yesterday.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 15:40, closed)

Nope, I cut and paste from
Penguins Only Magazine


EDIT Ahhhh, CHCB *warm and fluffy hugs* would it help if I said we were all thinking of you?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 15:40, closed)

^okay
NOW I'm in the mood.

EDIT @sexmonkey: no. No, it would scare me. Scare and flatter, but mostly scare.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 15:40, closed)

@Monty
I do try to go for the more subtle approach. It's one of those things that does kinda chafe me as well...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 16 Apr 2008, 15:41, closed)

@chcb
I can offer you alcohol, I'm not allowed to hug anyone, or they'll arrest me again :(
( Cawl, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 15:41, closed)

@Boyce
I'm with you there. You could say I'm developing a phobia of people who spell "losing" as "loosing" or "definitely" as "definately," or...well, I could go on.

(Yes, sorry, I can be quite the spelling/grammar Nazi...)
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 15:41, closed)

That there
Is some pretty raunchy penguin-based action.

@CHCB All I can find to offer just now is a giant set square and A3 sketch pad. It's kind of like a hug...
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 15:43, closed)

^
that's your mum! ha ha!
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 15:44, closed)

Fair enough CHCB
At around 4pm, just imagine getting a feeling of 'it was like a thousand voices cried out "unnnngh, god! CHCB!" all at once'
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 15:44, closed)

@CHCB
The cold hard truth hurts sometimes.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 15:45, closed)

By 1000 voices...
I take it you mean about *counts*
5?
( Cawl, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 15:45, closed)

@Kaol
You're not including the hundreds of lurkers, that just sit, watch, and fwap.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 15:47, closed)

You think that...
But in reality it's just me and you :|

Does that make us gay?
( Cawl, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 15:48, closed)

I
Flap more than fwap.


/coat
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 15:48, closed)

@supreme crow
you could in fact say that you are in fact chickenlady! And that'll be five of your English pounds please.

*fails to properly get this whole "internet" mnemonic thing regarding five pounds"
(Bazongaloid, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 15:48, closed)

Not gay, Kaol
just open-minded.

I'll be thinking of you aged at 4.

EDIT I just asked the Mrs if she wants to give Penguin-style a go. She said yes, GET IN!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 15:50, closed)

Hmm...
Well I'll be thinking of chcb.

Not you.
( Cawl, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 15:53, closed)

Don't worry Bert
I'll be thinking of you. And CHCB. On a building site. Watching Kaol sitting in his car. Thinking of penguins.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 15:54, closed)

Perhaps
a few of us will be thinking of her in her thermal underwear, and imagining that the fruit in her hand is...

*fwap*

Hey, if several of us are thinking about her, does this constitute a virtual gangbang?
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 16 Apr 2008, 15:55, closed)

Not "virtual",
A "mental" gangbang.
( Cawl, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 15:56, closed)

@Kaol
But she said that that scares her, I'd be pretty perturbed by it myself.
Think of al instead.

*EDIT* STOP IT YOU LOT SHE SAID NO!!!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 15:56, closed)

...
Er...

IT IS TIME. GO FORTH MY BROTHERS!
( Cawl, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 15:58, closed)

**
But no means yes, and yes means anal
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 15:59, closed)

statistics say
nine out of ten people enjoy gang bangs.

The earth is moving for me, though it could be the roadworks out the front.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 16:00, closed)

There, finished.
Damn those Penguinocerouses are sexy.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 16:02, closed)

Damn Bert,
in my imagination, you are dirty!
(Bazongaloid, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 16:04, closed)

@al
....it's not just in your imagination.
;D

*teabags*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 16:05, closed)

Mmmmm
*wolfbags*
(Bazongaloid, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 16:06, closed)

*douches*
*mexican avalanches*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 16:07, closed)

Once again
these are things I feel I want to know about, but know I really don't.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 16:07, closed)

Douche =
eating your own cum out of your partner's anus.

Mexican Avalanche = Coming in your hair, then throwing you down the stairs.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 16:09, closed)

*muses*
Imagine, such a standard part of my lovemaking and yet I never knew that was a Mexican Avalanche.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 16:11, closed)

Back.
I seem to have managed to somehow cut the end of my finger.
Really creeped out/confused.

chcb, do the gods require a blood sacrifice of something?

cut finger + not noticing + white shirt = looking like my right nipple is bleeding :|
( Cawl, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 16:11, closed)

^ blood will be fine
goats are standard but Sexmonkey wouldn't part with them.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 16:12, closed)

@CHCB
The Mexican Avalanche is my speciality.

EDIT Don't mention sacrificing goats!! YOU EVIL BASTARDS

*clings to nanny*

DOUBLE EDIT I just remembered the conversation we had about getting come in your hair CHCB, is that how it happened...? -and it went crusty because you lost consciousness at the bottom of the stairs, so couldn't wash it off..? Now I see..
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 16:12, closed)

@Kaol
Do your genitals grow out of your right nipple?
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 16:17, closed)

I'd rather kill
A hundred goats than injure myself.
( Cawl, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 16:17, closed)

*steps forward*
I will take the place of any sacrificial goat.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 16:19, closed)

chocolate has not helped my predicament
It just makes me feel stressed and now also nauseous.
I'm so glad I can be online, reading the tender messages of sweet carnal desire that you send to one another, you pervs.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 16:19, closed)

*sharpens knife*
Right...

We start by splitting the penis lengthways, into two flaps.
The start the skinning with *this* teaspoon, and these ants.
( Cawl, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 16:20, closed)

@CHCB
Well, a goodly portion of them are directed at you...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 16 Apr 2008, 16:20, closed)

@CHCB
Alcohol would perhaps help your current state.

You can't tell me any good work place doesn't have a good supply of alcohol?
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 16:21, closed)

You made me smile, CHCB
Sit down. Glass of water and a cup of tea. Have a lie down, close your eyes and forget about it all...

*produces buttplug*
*hugs*

EDIT cheers, Kaol, be gentle with the spoon though.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 16:22, closed)

@Loon
that makes me feel slightly alarmed rather than better.

Though secretly I get off on it, obviously.

*borrows goat*

And Enzyme is missing in action today so he can't write about how shocked he is at such deviancy while at the same time attempting to control his arousal.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 16:23, closed)

Can I have that goat when you're finished?
That's the impression I get from Enzyme too, he likes you, but I think you scare him a little, in the good way. :)
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 16:30, closed)

yeah, I'm scary.
I like to terrorise blokes before injecting them with venom causing instant paralysis, mating with them, then eating them.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 16:32, closed)

Like OMG!
you totally just described my idea of a perfect date. Most women don't get me.

*twiddles mandibles*
(Bazongaloid, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 16:34, closed)

Having met Enzyme
I can state that he's a very pleasant and kind sort, and I can see how CHCB might frighten him a bit.

On the other hand, it might well be worth the two of you meeting...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 16 Apr 2008, 16:34, closed)

@CHCB -Fantastic.
He just seems a little timid s'all.
I want the two of you to get together, you're like the Ross and Rachel of QOTW to me.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 16:35, closed)

^
*is perturbed at the Loon's implication that I am neither pleasant nor kind!*
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 16:35, closed)

Oh you guys
*punches Bert on the shoulder*

This is so sweet! Sick deviant perverted matchmaking through the medium of communal masturbation and bestiality! This is what makes the internet worthwhile.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 16:36, closed)

@al
Well summarised! You are a total legend.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 16:37, closed)

Ross and Rachel?
An ugly, horse-faced man, and a slapper?

I'd say that's a little unkind.
( Cawl, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 16:38, closed)

right, well
should it be consensual, or is sensual abduction fine?

Edit: bagsy not the ugly horse-faced man.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 16:39, closed)

@Kaol
Pffft!
But I meant Ross Noble and his lovely girlfriend Rachel Madeupname, they're lovely.
He talks randomly about cats etc, whereas she's fictional.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 16:40, closed)

Ross Noble
is unbelievably boring to talk to.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 16:41, closed)

@Madam Marlboro
YEAH? Well so's your mum!

*cries*

/like I give a hoot.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 16:42, closed)

*sniff*
my mum died in a tragic cheese grater accident
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 16:43, closed)

Now come on Bert
*puts toys back in pram*

Mrs Malboro is lovely and you know it. Remember that time we all did Ketamine and went cottaging on Clapham Common.

Now apologise.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 16:44, closed)

She is indeed lovely
I was talking to her last night about going to an S&M club.

*waves*
( Cawl, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 16:46, closed)

Sorry MM
I didn't mean to snap at you, and I'm sorry to hear about your mum, but I kept the cheese grater as a souvenir.

You're welcome to join al and I again any time.

*offers one goat, slightly used*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 16:46, closed)

mmmhmmm
check me and my life outside the internet. oh yeah.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 16:46, closed)

*takes goat*
Thanks. Why is it leaking so much?
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 16:47, closed)

^
Mexican avalanche
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 16:48, closed)

Pressure build-up
It's been pumped so full of liquid it's ready to...

*asplodes*

Oh. Sorry.

@CHCB You love the latin american falling down the stairs sex.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 16:48, closed)

It's ok, we can make it work again
*goes to find gaffer tape*

EDIT: I've just started thinking way too much about spunky exploded goats
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 16:50, closed)

MM
You're my kind of woman!

al, we got a live one! Get the infinite monkey strap-ons, we're going to have a busy night...
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 16:51, closed)

I have
to go now.
Meeting with a photographer, then home.

Not that kind of meeting, sorry.

Bye!
( Cawl, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 16:52, closed)

Bye Kaol!
*waves*

Also, to cheer up CHCB:

I made this myself
*feels special*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 16:54, closed)

See ya!
I'm off too. Going to consume a particularly fiery curry tonight, so we may have to take it easy tomorrow Bert.

EDIT - Bert, that is very special. Can I have one?
(Bazongaloid, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 16:54, closed)

Bert!
That's brilliant. I didn't know you could control MS Paint with just your toes.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 16:55, closed)

*fiddles with tape*
How many holes are you going to need?
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 16:55, closed)

Also
did we decide on the name for this religion? I liked the idea that Alan Titchmarsh could be our antichrist.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 16:56, closed)

@MM
Me and Kaol have self tapping penis's's. So just one for you and one for Bert.

Bye now, really am going home.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 16:57, closed)

^^Bye now
I'll have the goat ready when you get back
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 16:58, closed)

Byebye al!
*waves again*

@MM one will do, Goats mouth's tend to be a bit bite-y.

@CHCB Shuddup! My paint skillz are well l33t.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 16:58, closed)

yes
Alan Titwank is our Antichrist because no one could bring themselves to fwap over him.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 16:59, closed)

True CHCB,
but what about Frigstianity as the name of the Religion?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 17:00, closed)

uhuh
Frigstianity, Wankism, Fwappist...
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 17:01, closed)

you could be
a Fwappist Monk

100! YEAH!
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 17:02, closed)

Goatseianity?
...
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 17:02, closed)

^
one ring to rule them all?
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 17:03, closed)

Yeah
and we could ALL put our fingers in.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 17:04, closed)

@MM
Goatse-anity? I do hope you're joking...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 16 Apr 2008, 17:05, closed)

MM & CHCB
You're both wrong. Just so very, very wrong.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 17:06, closed)

What CHCB said
it's symbolic.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 17:06, closed)

@ Bert
What is so much worse about that than gaffer tapeing an exploded goat back together for multiple person sexual gratification.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 17:08, closed)

DON'T JUDGE ME, SEXMONKEY!
just because I am 'different'. My psychiatrist says I'm special.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 17:09, closed)

@MM
Goatse. That's what.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 17:09, closed)

It's
Symbolic, but it's wrong.

*Shudders at thought*
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 17:09, closed)

What about....
The holy order of the crack.
( girlinthehole, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 17:10, closed)

I think
that, deep down, there's a little bit of goatse in all of us. Embrace it.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 17:11, closed)

It would be easy
to spot the goatse-anity followers by the sphincter they wear as a headband... imagine if Jeebus had worn a crown of that!

There's a joke in here somewhere about religions with their heads up their asses, but I can't quite put my finger on it...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 16 Apr 2008, 17:11, closed)

You are special CHCB
It's that Madam Marlboro, leading you astray.
Stop it at once you goat-taping, goatse loving fiend!

There, there CHCB.. There, there...

*rock a bye babies*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 17:12, closed)

Right.
No goat for you anymore.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 17:17, closed)

You know I'm kidding M&M
I love you and your goat repairing abilities, really I do.

*offers goat hug*

*EDIT* Cheerio folks!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 17:19, closed)

I'm not so sure
I've seen how little it takes to turn you now.

*accepts goat hug anyway, in the spirit of b3ta*
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 17:31, closed)