The tale of Kaol, the giant newts and stairs.
Here we go again...
I was going out with a young lady a couple of years ago. That was a mistake, as I was going through a very rough patch (*waits for the "I had a mental breakdown, LOL!" QOTW*).

It turned out that she wasn't doing my state of mind any favors, and it became clear that I needed to end things.
Problem was that I was living with her.

As I've said in previous posts, I keep, and have kept various animals. At the time I had a lizard, and nothing else.
She hated my lizard, but knew how much it meant to me, so just about put up with me keeping it.
She did, however, have a gigantic phobia of animals that live in water. I'd had to give away my fish to a friend.

I decided that the only course of action open to me, obviously*, was to buy as many giant-newt-like creatures as I could.

So, I wandered off to the exotic pet shop where I worked, and got myself five Axolotls, and the set up to keep them in.

When she came home, she found me sitting cross-legged on the floor, chatting merrily away to them. Taking one look at them, she started crying, and locked herself in the bathroom, saying she wouldn't come out until they'd gone.

I went to bed for a few hours.

*wavey lines*

A couple of weeks later, I'd got much worse (not too many details, this isn't meant to be a heart-warming story), and had been drinking far too much, and other self-destructive behaviour.
We ended up having a huge arguement.
Well, more like I ended up not saying anything for an hour while I had my short-comings pointed out.
In the end I snapped, and said that I'd rather throw myself down the stairs than be with her anymore.
As you do... *rolls eyes*

She said "Go on then".

So I did.
It really hurt.

She broke up with me then and there.
And I went on to become the happy, grinning young man that I am today.

Well done if you made it to the end of that.


*May not be obvious if you're in full control of your head.


If you're interested:
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Axolotl
( Cawl, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 15:38, 38 replies)

I'm assuming that your state of mind
prevented a conversation about breaking up before giant newts and stair-falling?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 15:40, closed)

just as well
you didn't say that you would rather "nail your face to a tree" than go out with her.

Or "slam your penis in a car door"

or "cheese grate your testicles onto a nice tuna salad"

positives sir, always look for the positives
(Halfy By light alone, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 15:42, closed)

What...
...you just stood at the top of stairs and flung yourself off?
How many stairs?
Carpet?
Visible signs of injury?
I think we should be told.
( thealternativefact, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 15:43, closed)

^@Halfy
or, "Live in a basement in Austria"
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 15:43, closed)

@clendrix
Pretty much.
First floor to ground floor, about 20 or 30 steps.
Hurt my knee prett badly on the way down.
( Cawl, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 15:46, closed)

I was hoping for more knives
but am pleased with the thought that you survived and are happier now. Good.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 15:46, closed)

I'm very sorry Kaol.
I don't even know what you look like but the picture of you throwing yourself down the stairs just made me giggle.
( girlinthehole, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 15:46, closed)

^BGB
Ho ho. It wasn't the falling part that made me laugh, it was the thought of the initial fling.
However, on reading about injured knees and thirty steps, I feel a mixture of guilt and admiration.
( thealternativefact, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 15:50, closed)

@BGB
It's fine, I laugh about it now.

The exact reason for her dumping me was, according to her because I was "Completely fucking insane".
She wasn't far wrong.
( Cawl, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 15:53, closed)

@ BGB
I DO know what KAol looks like and he doesn't look very stair-damaged.

I'm clicking because you mentioned axolotls.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 16:03, closed)

Heee
I know it's wrong to laugh but, inappropriate humour is the best.

*clickety-click*
(GirlOfTheWorld, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 16:03, closed)

It's fine to laugh
I would!
( Cawl, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 16:03, closed)

You are
Augustus "Gussie" Fink-Nottle, aicmfp!

Inebriated newt-fanciers indeed...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 5 Jun 2008, 16:05, closed)

That takes balls
Throwing yourself down the stairs.

*writes into a note book labelled 'Ideas'*

Have a click from me *click*
(UncleChuckles "Cthulhu fhtagn", Thu 5 Jun 2008, 16:08, closed)

@HappyLittleTulip
you know what he looks like?

and you are still alive?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 16:09, closed)

@Vipros
We will all know..... very soon...
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 16:22, closed)

Vipros won't
He won't be there.
*thumbs down*
( Cawl, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 16:27, closed)

every day
the fact that I'm not going to be able to make it to the bash saddens me more...

this in turn worries me slightly as I am becoming more attached to you bunch of weirdoes ;-)

there's going to be all kinds of "in person" in-jokes, I just know it!
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 16:36, closed)

^ You're rubbish.
You NEED to come along.
( Cawl, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 16:50, closed)

I know
but I just cannae do it!
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 16:58, closed)

Hey...
...at least you're being missed! I'm not going and no one has complained.

*wallows in self pity*
( thealternativefact, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 17:02, closed)

that was only the second time someone has complained
and it was Kaol the first time too...
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 17:04, closed)

Oh
he does complain a lot, doesn't he?
We'll go next time.
( thealternativefact, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 17:05, closed)

I really want to
Meat Meet you both.
( Cawl, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 17:08, closed)

Likewise!
Will attend the next one (even though I'm terrified!).
( thealternativefact, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 17:11, closed)

I think we should have a bash nearer my place
and then I'd be more likely to be able to go ;-)

@Kaol: how do you do the strikethrough thing, sometimes I need it

I look forward to meeting these peeps, particularly as my first meeting-people-off-the-internet experience involved me drinking 3 bottles of vodka in a weekend. and becoming nocturnal.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 17:12, closed)

alive, alive-oh
indeed, I am alive!

*gloats*
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 17:13, closed)

Like:
{s} whatever {/s}
But with a pointy bracket instead of a {
( Cawl, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 17:14, closed)

nice
cheers

right, I'm off for today

cheers
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 17:17, closed)

But
where does Vipros live? Is it past Zone Six? Is there anything past Zone Six?
( thealternativefact, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 17:17, closed)

The only thing
past zone 6, is Amersham.

*shudders*

Don't even go there.

incidentally if you're in London, Davros is coming down on the 19th June for a pint or two. Check the calender for more details.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 17:46, closed)

Exeter
pretty fucking far past zone 6 ;-)
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 18:37, closed)

I studied in that place of great learning...
Exmouth (stop laughing) so I too am vaguely familiar with Exeter. Possibly in Zone 43, but very appealing all the same.
( thealternativefact, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 0:37, closed)

Dear sweet mother of Jesus, Kaol.
I had no idea you were so normal.

*clicks*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 8:57, closed)

For next time...
Remember it's "I'd rather throw you down the stairs..."
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 10:44, closed)

I now want an axolotl!
Only problem is, I wouldn't be able to tell people I had one, for fear of mispronouncing it.
(Pretty strangers and promises, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 21:53, closed)