Immigration agents
Stole my lawnmower
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Sun 30 May 2010, 18:10, 1 reply)

Equestrians
Sitting on a high horse.
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Sun 30 May 2010, 18:04, Reply)

thatched roof makers
really just clutching at straws
( horace wimp needs more than 49 characters to fully express hi, Sun 30 May 2010, 17:51, Reply)

Incompetent proctologists
always sticking their nose in where it's not wanted.
( sanityclause is waiting until, Sun 30 May 2010, 16:53, Reply)

I hate Bodie
but I like Doyle. And that cunt Cowley thought he knew it all.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Sun 30 May 2010, 16:24, 1 reply)

The crews on Deadliest Catch.
They've all got crabs.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Sun 30 May 2010, 16:12, Reply)

Eurovision Song Contest judges from the 80s.
Honestly, make your mind up.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 30 May 2010, 14:39, 1 reply)

'Weather men?
They haven't got the foggiest'

This is a genuine headline in today's Guardian.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Sun 30 May 2010, 13:50, 1 reply)

Fishmongers
are OK if they know their plaice.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Sun 30 May 2010, 13:45, 1 reply)

Installers
Installers who work for Bt/Sky/Virgin Media/similar.. My advice... Do not let them into your house.... Get someone like a reputable electrician in and they will run the cables neatly and professionally... I hate going into newly finished houses and seeing cables punched through cavernous holes and badly clipped around skirtings/ door frames... I have seen cable guys take a drum of cable onto a roof and throw the end over the side of the building.. They then drill a hole in the living room window frame and push the cable through the hole and plug it into the back of the telly... No clips or ties anywhere... The cable blowing in the wind like a sail... Have some pride in your work you slacker!
(bangthedrum, Sun 30 May 2010, 13:25, 3 replies)

Celebrity Chefs
I don't care how angry you get at people, or how much shout and bellow and posture - you still do a woman's job.
(milk_explosion, Sun 30 May 2010, 13:08, 4 replies)

Professional cricketers
Just not the done thing, old boy.
(roysin, Sun 30 May 2010, 12:38, Reply)

80s 'tribute' musicians.
Last time I heard that music I ran. I ran so far away. I couldn't get away.

Actually I just can't get enough.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 30 May 2010, 11:57, 1 reply)

Formicophiliacs
they act like they've got ants in their pants.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Sun 30 May 2010, 10:58, Reply)

Telemarketers Beware
I hate telemarketers with a passion, and in our industry we get a lot of calls from outsourced indian companies trying to make meetings, or dodgy aussie companies trying to sell us seminars which lumaries of the business world have remarkably "asked us to attend", and for the low low some of $20,000.

Rather than get upset, there are several strategies that we've used to great effect:

1. How long can we keep you on hold?
This game involves telling the telemarketer they've called at the perfect time to get us to change our contract on the phone system, or whatever it is they're trying to sell. They just need to talk to the guy in accounts. He's very busy. I'm sure he will answer soon. Still there? I'll let him know you're on hold. We are very keen to save thousands. Our phone bill is huge. If you can save us 40% that would be like $50,000 a month for us.

2. The special telemarketer extension
Pick the most horrific song, set it as on hold music for a specific extension. Repeat it forever. I love open source phone systems :)

(1) and (2) have caused us to be the target of real, real rage and we've had people on hold for over an hour.

3. Can we make you swear at someone?
A bit more cunty - but basically this involves passing them off to a different phone number as they called the wrong office.

We then give them the number of a foreign embassy, and the name of "insert very rude phrase in said foreign language" as the contact they need to speak to.

We never had a call back after the last one, unfortunately, I'd love to know how well it goes with an aggressive Indian woman calling the Russian embassy, demanding to speak with "Go f**k yourself"

Hound.
(evil_hound last barked at the moon on, Sun 30 May 2010, 10:44, 5 replies)

People in charge of clincal trials
Golden rule for success no. 1A in a medical trial would be: when you choose a drug to treat the problem, make sure it is the right problem you are treating.

Learning about cancer research shows how stupid these people can be. Without boring you, a major means of traditional resistance to cancer treatment comes from membrane transporters, which specifically remove chemoagents from affected areas. One major transporter is called P-gp. One lung cancer trial used a novel anticancer drug against this to try and reduce tumour size. It failed so the drug was put on hold. Only problem is, there are no P-gp transporters in lung tissue! Idiots!
(satanstolemyteddybear Mu hõljuk on angerjaid täis, Sun 30 May 2010, 10:23, 7 replies)

Telemarketing.
For the love of god, I DO NOT want another toilet brush you cunt.
(Archeleus hates cabbage, Sun 30 May 2010, 9:49, Reply)

Modern biography writers
Justin fucking bieber has a biography. Kid barely looks old enough to wipe his own arse, never mind have a biography out. I'm not trying to imply that the kid hasn't got talent, but he seems just another generic childhood star, destined to shortly be forgotten.

Anyway, despite appearances, it isn't actually him I really have a problem with. I remember when biographies used to represent the culmination of someone's life work. Maybe a significant political figure or someone who has achieved massive success in the face of adversity, subsequently affecting huge numbers of lives. A story worth reading. These days a 16 year old kid can have one, which says what exactly? It just annoys me a little bit how people will publish any story just because the person is famous. And yeah, I don't have to buy the stupid book, but not the point!
(satanstolemyteddybear Mu hõljuk on angerjaid täis, Sun 30 May 2010, 9:21, 3 replies)

My mate
got done for speeding the other day. He was rushing home from work and drove over a hump backed bridge too fast. There was a copper the other side of the bridge with a speed gun and he was stopped. They did the usual bollox about why he was going so fast and so on and he got a ticket. He gave his name and address, fine, but when asked his occupation he said he was an arsehole stretcher.

"Forgive my ignorance sir" says the copper, "but what exactly does an arsehole stretcher do?"

"Well" says my mate, "it's simple see. You get an arsehole and you begin to stretch it. You start by working a finger into it, then a couple more. Working them gently you can eventually get your fist into it. The you need to slide your other hand in next to it and make a fist with that one too. Keep working it, gently pulling them apart until you can get one of your feet in there too. You keep working it and stretching it, working and stretching, working and stretching until finally you have a 6ft arsehole".

"A 6ft arsehole!" exclaimed the officer, "and what exactly do you do with a 6ft arsehole?"

"Stand it the other side of that bridge and give it a speed gun..."
(robbersdog, Sun 30 May 2010, 8:36, 1 reply)

Jesus fucking Christ
Is this the "Give us all your puns, even if they're shit" QOTW??
(Mr.Dog was in love again on, Sun 30 May 2010, 7:00, 4 replies)

The owner of the gym I used to go to,
which had a car park, but no bike racks.

Actually maybe I'm mad at the other gym members.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 30 May 2010, 5:30, Reply)

People who make neuticles
They think they're the dogs bollocks
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Sun 30 May 2010, 3:52, Reply)

All you full time QOTWers
I can't take the Pun-ishment you guys are delivering.
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Sun 30 May 2010, 3:46, Reply)

The entire German meat industry.
They're the wurst people.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 30 May 2010, 2:34, 1 reply)

Anyone who works for the Hormel Food Corporation.
I keep getting spam from them.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 30 May 2010, 2:32, Reply)

Freudian psychologists.
Motherfuckers.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 30 May 2010, 2:29, Reply)

Toilet cleaners.
They can just bog off
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Sun 30 May 2010, 2:04, Reply)

Lab assistants testing stool samples
They're just going through the motions
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 30 May 2010, 1:03, Reply)

you must all hate me
For I am a dictator- there's a potato in my underwears.
I'm a telemarketer, I graffiti on every payphone I see.
I work on a whale boat- fat women take cruises too.

In reality, I'm a pharmacy manager. Everyone hates my job because they think all we do is put the pills in the bottle and attach the label. I wish that were the case, cause most people would be dead if that's all we did.

Yes, all my shite puns in one post, see you all thurs.
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Sun 30 May 2010, 0:46, 1 reply)