Chuggers
Charity Muggers

Minding my own business walking out to get lunch in Putney I get some people from 'Warchild' - kids injured in warfare and so on.

Them - "Help the child soldiers sir?" *waving pictures of children carrying guns and looking sorry for themselves*
Me -"Actually I already do."
Them - "How?"
Me - "I design landmines. I'm working on a really good one, when triggered it jumps to at least 5 feet before exploding. It should miss most children."

Them - *shocked* *move away*
( Razor What the fuck - a sig?, Thu 27 May 2010, 12:37, 10 replies)

Nice
Also quite effective is to tell them you profusely dislike the charity in question.

"Help the homeless sir?"
"What? I HATE the homeless!"

Interchangeable with children, animals, cancer, the blind etc.

The look of shock is priceless. Buys you well enough time to walk on.
(Beelzebub's Ball Bag is pleasuring your wife on, Thu 27 May 2010, 13:19, closed)

"I don't give to children's charities."
"Why not?"
"I don't like children."
"But you were a child once."
"I imagine I was obnoxious."
"But saying you don't like children is like saying you don't like people."
"I don't. The world is horribly overpopulated and most of our problems could be solved if people just stopped breeding so much."
"But these children are in *far off land* and they're really poor."
"You shouldn't have children if you can't afford them. Shit, I work two jobs and I could barely afford a cat, let alone a kid. I've spent 15 years trying not to slip one past the goalie myself, why should I pay for other people's children?"
"But...but...that can't be what you really think, you're wearing a smiley face badge!"
"A slightly blood-stained smiley face badge, I think you'll find."
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 27 May 2010, 13:21, closed)

Liked ""trying not to slipp one past the goalie"
Nice Watchmen reference too.
( Snappyuk gets BIGGER with free sample., Thu 27 May 2010, 20:12, closed)

YES!
Christ, yes. Chuggers instantly came to mind when I read this week's question. It almost makes me concerned for my sanity, since I can't honestly say I *hate* any other profession (except maybe dealers in hard drugs and makers of kiddie porn, but they fall more under the heading of 'criminals' than 'career professionals'), but my hatred for chuggers is so fucking venomous that the mere fact of seeing them will make me spin on my heels and gladly walk an extra 500 metres rather than walk past them and have my ears dry-bummed by their Siren scrounging and their vomitous fake cheerfulness.

The thing I hate most about them is that they actually manage to make me feel bad about myself for hating them, because fundamentally they're trying to do a good deed, even if part of it does go towards lining their own pockets. It's just a complete waste of effort: trying to do a good deed in the worst possible way. They're like mobile Jehovah's fucking Witnesses or something. Just thinking about the oleaginous cunts makes me come over all stabby.

*goes to lie down in a darkened room before the brain aneurysm hits*
( .Yeti., Thu 27 May 2010, 13:24, closed)

Actually no
They're not doing a good deed. They get paid. The person who today is caring passionately about children in the developing world will tomorrow be caring passionately about guide dogs or something. They're compassion whores.
( Olembe Refuses to write in this space, Thu 27 May 2010, 17:34, closed)

Not all of them get paid
At uni I used to volunteer to do charity runs and everyone i was with volunteered too. In fact no one i ever worked with got paid for it, except maybe the organiser. I did feel bad going up to random people and asking for a donation though, so i would just stand there in the hope that someone would donate 20p or a quid in exchange for a button or sticker or something.

I myself can't stand it when charity workers badger you or yell abuse or try to make you feel ashamed. That sort of behaviour doesn't help anyone. I also agree that what you do with your own money is your choice.
(it's not hash mixed drops, Tue 1 Jun 2010, 17:11, closed)

Worst One I've Had
...was some twat on Tottenham Court Road:

'Can I stop you, sir'
'No, sorry...'
'OK, sir. Keep your money. The children in Africa can just starve, eh?'

I could have punched him.... It's my money, I'm not under an obligation to sign it away on a direct debit to some pushy stranger in the street who's employers are probably siphoning off the lion's share of any contributions anyway.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 27 May 2010, 13:44, closed)

Simple cop out
"No speak English - Russki Yazik, da?"

I have yet to get one that's a language graduate. I dare say the smug bastard's out there.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 27 May 2010, 18:56, closed)

They're all bastards..
The one who got in my way, when I was rushing to the hospital after my daughter was injured shouted "Don't you want to help sick children?"
Had to shout back at him that I was "Going to MY sick child's side, and he was getting in my way!" or words to that effect..
They're just human litter on the streets really...
(Beer Elf Thought this was like a campfire, anyhow, on, Fri 28 May 2010, 9:21, closed)

Tried this on a gypsy once.
It was either French or German, though. Didn't work. Twei Euro, bitte or some such.
( Sextant goes to him is emotionally erect, on this day, Sat 29 May 2010, 2:04, closed)