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This is a question Public Sex

Train carriages, car parks, behind the altar at midnight mass. Where have you done the dirty?

Thanks to SpankyHanky, Chart Cat and others for the suggestion

(, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 12:58)
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Sin at the cinema
Regular readers of my posts may remember my university XXX-ex, who was always up for a gunky fumble. It took me a few months to bring her round to this way of thinking, as when we first met she was a shy, naive 18-year old first year whereas I was 21, wise in the ways of mucky love and in my final year. I like to think I gave her the education she never expected to receive at Uni and in that respect she graduated with (dis)honours by the time I received my own degree at the end of that year.

I should point out now that this story fills me with shame. Fuck it though, I’ve told worse on this site (I think) so I’ll continue.

On this occasion, it was a typical Saturday in our unremarkable university town sometime in late autumn. She and I were bored and doing nothing in particular in the town centre so I suggested we go to see a movie. It had been a while since either of us had been to the cinema and we had nothing better to do so we trundled off to the local fleapit with a pocketful of coins between us.

After purchasing our tickets, a couple of brightly-coloured fizzy beverages and a box of stale popcorn, we climbed the stairs of the historic (i.e. knackered) building to the screens and ventured inside the dimly-lit auditorium. It was an older independent cinema which had a certain weathered charm despite being at least twenty years behind in technology. The showing was on one of the smaller screens which was three-quarters full already, so we picked a spot on the back row in the centre, the best view still available.

The venue had a fairly steep pitch to the seating rows more akin to a West End theatre. As we scaled the climb to the top, I declared that it was much better to sit at the back where we could chat and rustle our snacks without upsetting the other cinemagoers. You may have guessed that snacks were not the only thing I planned on rustling, but uncharacteristically I didn’t mention it at the time.

The trailer reel flickered and the popcorn was placed on the seat next to us (no fancy snappy seats in this place). We slunk down into the deceptively comfortable dents of the well-worn chairs and held hands, happily munching away on the tasteless, squidgy kernels. The rest of the seats in the theatre filled up while we kissed and cuddled, then the movie began.

We sat and watched the first hour or so, occasionally planting a peck on a cheek during the quiet moments. I was less than impressed with the onscreen antics, my girlfriend rather more so. She was a big fan of the best-selling book on which the film was based, but I hadn’t read it so she spent much of the time telling me all about the characters and how they’d done a great job of translating it to the screen. I didn’t really care. By the end of the first half, I was more pre-occupied with caressing her legs than with what was happening in the story. I slowly worked my way up her thighs, drawing little circles with my fingers until my hands had crept oh-so-softly under her skirt.

By the time she realised what I was doing, I’d already managed to get one finger inside the silky material of her panties. She leaned over and whispered “I bet you can’t make me come with just that one finger…” Always willing to accept a challenge, I gently, steadily began fiddling with her pussy, sliding the nominated digit alternately around her rapidly moistening underlips and her perfect, pointy nubbin. She’d shaved herself that morning (at my request, naturally) so it was like gliding a bar of wet soap across a polished glass table. I probably enjoyed it as much as she did, as I began feeling the resistance that only a pair of snug-fitting jeans versus a swelling cock can bring. I adjusted my trouser configuration accordingly in order to concentrate on the task at hand (so to speak).

Like all girls, she was a complicated piece of sexual machinery, but by now I knew exactly which buttons to press having had plenty of practice. I won the challenge without too much difficulty before the movie plot had had time to advance, whereupon I removed my hand and caught a glimpse of her flushing cheeks as an explosion on screen lit up her satisfied, grinning face.

Wordlessly, she moved her hand across my chest, down my stomach and very quietly undid my belt and buttons on my jeans. I’d used the time-honoured teenage boy’s trick of ‘hiding’ my engorged fuck cudgel by tucking it up into the waistband of my underwear, so it was already poking out of the top and winking at her, a salty tear of happiness forming in its dribbling eye. She wiped that expression of joy all around the now fully-exposed head, tickling and teasing me for several scenes as I tried to maintain self-control and obstruct the view for any potential observers. The people on our row were mercifully engrossed in the film, but had they turned round at any time we would have been well and truly busted.

It felt like it went on forever; she maintained a consistent, delightfully frustrating tempo which kept me on the edge of a wave of incredible sensations. As the final act of the movie began to draw to a close, I could feel the internal strain mounting as she finally starting pumping the full length of my rigid shaft in anger, applying her own freshly-made lubricant direct from the hairless factory between her legs.

Time for a quick segway here: like many students, I’d discovered internet porn at Uni, becoming a little too obsessed with generating huge loads like a porn star. After reading up on it, I tried an exercise programme for my pubic muscles and took various supplements amongst other things to improve the dirtcustard drench factor. Those studies bore fruit (well, seed anyway) and I was pleased with the visible improvement each time I emptied my nuts. At that moment, I was lost in ecstasy, my kegel muscles twitching involuntarily in sync with her motion. My newfound sexual discipline and ability also had the wonderful side-effect of making the gradual build-up astonishingly intense; indeed it ranks as one of the greatest handjobs I have ever received, the ingredients of risk, downright filth and expert handling all mixed in perfect quantities and baked at exactly 37 degrees.

With seconds to spare before I was going to release my sticky payload, it occurred to me that it was going to have to end up somewhere. I said “use your mouth, quick!” but she’d grown wary after I’d recently choked her with a surprise mouthful, so she just smiled at me and shook her head, by which time it was too late.

Bursting with the force of a firehose, my slippery seeds of sin arced up and outwards in a gruesome parabola towards the murky void of patrons seated below. It was a mind-blowing, body-paralysing orgasm and in the second or so that it took me to regain control of my motor functions, I’d sprayed two or three generous jets of jizz far and wide into the depths of the audience beneath. I grabbed my jerking cock from her hand and aimed it straight down, nearly snapping the bastard off in the process as the rest of my shameful outburst splattered the seatback in front of me. I clumsily stuffed it back in my pants, my withering meat puppet still coughing out the final dregs of sex relish all over my hands and underwear.

My girlfriend could hardly contain her amusement at what had happened, but I was shitting myself with panic. However, after a couple of minutes of absolutely no reaction whatsoever, it appeared that I had got away with it. As the credits rolled, the lights came on and it was suddenly obvious why I had escaped their wrath. The people who had filled the rows in front of us at the start of the movie must have taken the brunt of my disgusting cum-shrapnel. However, some of these people were worryingly short, small and childlike. On account that they actually *were* children.

Oh dear god, what had I done…?

We had been watching the first Harry Potter film, during the daytime, on the weekend, and so the audience directly below us had consisted –somewhat unsurprisingly-- of swathes of school-age children with a few parents in tow. I couldn’t bear to look as without a doubt, the majority of my gluey deposits had ended up tangled in their innocent, golden curls. It probably ranks as the worst accidental public paedo-bukkake incident in British cinema history.

Great handjob though, truly up there with the best of ‘em.
(, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 11:19, 33 replies)
*throws flowers*

I wonder if I can sneak 'Accidental Public Paedo-bukkake Incident' in as a made-up obscure band name into the Secret Music OT thread....?
(, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 11:21, closed)
Beautifully written, as always...

Do you still have her number...?

*clicks hard*
(, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 11:25, closed)
I always stay good friends with my ex-g/fs
You never know when opportunity might come-a-knocking ;-)
(, Sat 25 Apr 2009, 9:32, closed)
Deserves a click..
just because of the wet soap on glass table line.
(, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 11:28, closed)
I Like This is not enough.
(, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 11:31, closed)
You are going to Hell, sir, HELL!
(, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 11:33, closed)
Clicks. Kudos for making me get a semi chubby when reading this, then it withering away to nothing once I read you crashed your yoghurt truck over some poor innocent wee uns. Noice.
(, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 11:33, closed)
I sleep at night
by telling myself none of them would know why their hair had to be cut out by mummy with a pair of kitchen scissors when they got home
(, Sat 25 Apr 2009, 9:34, closed)
just for "dirtcustard drench factor"
(, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 11:40, closed)
*Clicks mightily*
Ladies, gents and apeloverage, I think we have a winner.
(, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 11:54, closed)
Yet another Chartcat classic

Beautifully told, most evocative.
(, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 11:56, closed)
Apparently it's great for healthy hair
That's my line and I'm sticking to it, anyway.

Have a click, sir, for a story beautifully told
(, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 12:05, closed)
this won a cackle from me.
Liking the "engorged fuck cudgel" with its "a salty tear of happiness forming in its dribbling eye"

Figured it was Harry Potter.
(, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 12:08, closed)
Fantastic story. Aroused me at first and then made me dissolve into laughter - perfect!
(, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 13:01, closed)
Click click click!
I can't stop laughing at everything after the paragraph starting with "Bursting with the force of a firehose". Sheer brilliance.
(, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 13:12, closed)
Wrong wrong wrong......
...but good work.

(, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 13:42, closed)
(, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 13:53, closed)
Mr Chart Cat
You are fucking lovely and I'd like to tickle you behind your ears...

Cheers for making me laugh like a bastard!
(, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 13:58, closed)
I'd accept
only I know *exactly* where your hands have been :)
(, Sat 25 Apr 2009, 9:29, closed)
from mmm to ewww

clicks grinning
(, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 14:11, closed)
It's a straight two way race between this...
And Spanky's dog rape for the QOTW methinks...
(, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 14:16, closed)
so true..
Was just thinking the same thing..

Great story.
(, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 17:03, closed)
High praise indeed
There's plenty of time left yet though. I think it's going to be a classic week, I'm thoroughly enjoying the stories so far myself :)
(, Sat 25 Apr 2009, 9:37, closed)
I believe
we have found this week's winner!

*clicks furiously*

*gets RSI*
(, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 14:18, closed)
fucking awesome
you win
(, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 14:27, closed)
Beautifully told sir
and definitely clicked!
(, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 15:25, closed)
kegels, you say?
Clicks for inspiring me to work on hitting the screen from the nosebleeds.
(, Sat 25 Apr 2009, 5:05, closed)
Yeah, it really works
Best part is you can do the exercises anytime, anywhere
(, Sat 25 Apr 2009, 9:40, closed)
If I'm diligent
someday they'll make a film about me, being sent into action to sniper enemies of the state.

"Strip search me for weapons all you want, evil (insert currently unpopular country here) dog! All you're doing is sealing your own fate!"
(, Sat 25 Apr 2009, 17:34, closed)
"I've told worse on this site"
too right you have...the devil's own cocktail story of the threesome which is definitely the best / worst tale of all...

have a well-deserved click though for this one which comes (cums ?) a close second.
(, Sun 26 Apr 2009, 16:37, closed)
Indeed the aforementioned cocktail story has the power to ambush my mind and elicit a shudder from me at any time. Such as it did around an hour ago when I was heading out for my lunch, of all the godforsaken moments it could have chosen.

This story is definitely receiving some clicky though.
(, Tue 28 Apr 2009, 14:17, closed)
This HAS to win.
Chart Cat, you're a very, very bad man.

(, Mon 27 Apr 2009, 10:50, closed)
You, sir...
...are terrible! Have a click for a great, if slightly disturbing, tale.
(, Mon 27 Apr 2009, 17:30, closed)

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