A tasty treat?
This takes place about 10 years ago in a seedy dive of a club in Bristol. I was sat with my girlfriend watching a man sat nearby who had clearly munched one too many tablets of the ecstasy variety.

To say that he was gurning would be an understatement. His face contorted from a strained rictus to pursed 'kiss-me-quick' lips to full deacon-esque belming. In the meantime, his thick eyebrows wrestled with one another like savage, twitching otters as he repeatedly wrung his sweaty hands.

His attention then fell on the brimming ashtray at his table and a glimmer of misplaced recognition crossed his battling features.
He scooped up a handful of the spent cigarette butts and squinted at them as his eyes crossed and uncrossed - trying to maintain focus. The ash fell through his fingers as he studied his prize until all of a sudden he lifted his hand in one quick movement and shoved the dog ends into his greedy, spittle-flecked cakehole.

After chewing them for a mere nanosecond, he projectile vomited noisily and copiously - covering a range of about three feet with soggy cigarette ends, bile and delightful carroty chunks. As this glorious mess was hitting the floor with thick, wet splattering sounds he leapt to his feet with his sanity seemingly restored. He took a deep, flourishing bow and then staggered backwards - clattering into the next table in a tangle of flailing limbs and curses.

It was at this juncture that my girlfriend and I decided that it would be a great time to decant ourselves to the dancefloor with a fair amount of haste.

In retrospect, I can only conclude that in his addled state, he thought that the cigarette-filled ashtray was in fact a bowl of scrumptious, salted peanuts. Wrongness has rarely been so definitively proved.

The very same night, a bedraggled young harridan propositioned in turn my friend, me and then my girlfriend to 'screw her in the bogs'.

A classy establishment it was not!
( squirrels emit silent screams has updog, Tue 10 Feb 2009, 11:31, 9 replies)

Which particular dive?
The Depot?
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Tue 10 Feb 2009, 12:03, closed)

Club Loco
.. later renamed 'The Maze'.

Nowhere near as refined as The Depot!
( squirrels emit silent screams has updog, Tue 10 Feb 2009, 12:05, closed)

Hahaha, yeah I've been to it as the Maze
Classy place!

I saw a bloke shit himself whilst dancing in the Depot though. Admittedly I thought I was doing my shopping in Tescos at the time, but at least I managed to remain continent.
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Tue 10 Feb 2009, 12:06, closed)

Awesome!
So.. were you 'off your trolley'?
( squirrels emit silent screams has updog, Tue 10 Feb 2009, 12:10, closed)

Haha!
Yes, very much so... I can empathise with the ashtray/bowl of nuts confusion, it's easily done. Although I don't think I've ever made that particular mistake.

Edit: thinking you've seen someone shit themselves in the fruit and veg aisle at Tescos is possibly even stranger than seeing them do it in a club.

Kids: don't go to Tribe of Frog nights, they are no good for your mental health.
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Tue 10 Feb 2009, 12:13, closed)

Oh dear
Tell me about it. At a Tribe of Frog night my girlfriend asked me if I thought she looked fat.

Although she was always a svelte little thing I replied 'Well, you are a little bit tubby'.

This was because at the time, I was under the illusion that she was in fact Mo Mowlam.
( squirrels emit silent screams has updog, Tue 10 Feb 2009, 12:22, closed)

Brilliant!
I was at one at the Depot and a farmer walked through. Really really didn't look like someone dressed up as a farmer, he actually WAS a farmer. Middle aged bloke in a tweed jacket, shirt and tie, cords and wellies, with a walking stick. Didn't even look fucked, and everyone turned round going 'wtf?' so it wasn't a hallucination...

I think that was the same night I got thrown out of a minicab office for attempting (not that there would've been much chance of accomplishing said act) to shag some girl on the sofa while we were waiting for a cab. Strangely her boyfriend was sat about 2 yards from us, although he was trying to eat his own face.

I'm not really a fan of psy but feed me enough drugs and I'll have a good time at a Tribe night just for the pure randomness!
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Tue 10 Feb 2009, 12:27, closed)

Maybe...
.. he was searching for some repetitive bleats?
( squirrels emit silent screams has updog, Tue 10 Feb 2009, 12:41, closed)

"...his thick eyebrows wrestled with one another like savage, twitching otters as he repeatedly wrung his sweaty hands..."
That sounded almost pornographic.
( Funkenschlag still likes dogs more than cats, Tue 10 Feb 2009, 16:00, closed)