D I Y (or the worst fucking pun in the fucking world ever, fuck) !!!
Went to provide moral support to a mate who's band was playing the other night.

They're a death metal outfit named Saw. Lots of "Grrrrrr's", and "Arrrgggghhhh's", loads of fun, really.

The venue was a bit shit, though. The stage was really low down. I recall mulling about before the gig while they were setting up. I suggested we elevated the stage by sticking some breeze blocks on the floor and putting some planks of wood down.

"Great idea, Spanky," says my mate. And we set about cobbling the stage together, A-Team style.

There was one problem, though. There were five band members but when they'd all clambered onto the stage, it bowed and sagged and creaked like a motherfucker, and the effect of being on a stage was lost; their combined weight meant the mock stage was almost touching the floor.

"You need to be higher up," I suggested. "The people at the back won't be able to see you."

By this time people were starting to filter into the venue. It was too late to piss about with the stage. I advised it might be ok if one of the band stood to one side.

"Mikey," said my mate. "You can stand over there by the stage."

Mikey looked incredibly pissed off: "Is this 'cause I'm black?" he grumbled.

"No," sighed my mate, "It's because you're the heaviest."

Still complaining, Mikey steps off the stage and sets up his amp on the floor by the rest of his bandmates from the mighty Saw. With a creak the stage settles down and looks damn fine, if I do say so. The four remaining band members seem to soar higher into the air. Now it looked like a proper fucking gig.

It was awsome.

But the venue was fucking tiny. Halfway through one of their better songs - I'm gonna rip off your head and wank down the hole - Mikey swings his bass and smacks a girl standing near the front full in the face. She goes down like the proverbial sack of shit, blood gushing from a head wound.

Oh, dear...

But apart from that it was a fucking fine evening.

Walking back to the tube afterwards Mikey asks for my assessment of the evening.

I sigh, look him in the eye and say:

"Band Saw, four higher, by black and deck 'er."
( SpankyHanky, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 16:36, Reply)