Not mine and technically not a "I'll punch you in the face!" threat
but funny non-the-less.
When I was younger one of the many jobs I had was as a glassy at a busy pub in Perth's nightclub district. It was easier work than behind the bar (which I also have done) and altho the pay was shit, staffys at the end of the night and a steady stream of young, good looking barmaids made it worthwhile.

One night after closing as I'm cleaning up out the front I notice 2 very inebriated men facing up to each other and shouting slurringly at each other. I queried the nearby bouncer if everything was ok. He just told me to watch.
After cleanup and as we guzzled and munched (and chuffed) our way thru staffys we all eventually migrated out to the front landing to watch these two drunks go at it.

1st Drunk: "Imm gunna fuking fuk youse up ya fukkin cant!" He staggers over to the other guy takes a wild swing..... and misses.
2nd Drunk: "Ahh, ya cunt. I'l fuggen kill ya, ya cunt!" he shouts as he gets up, staggers and collides with the 1st Drunk resulting in lots of swearing from them and hilarity amongst us.

Eventually the cops turned up - I reckon the bar manager had rung them, afraid we were going to drink the bar dry! And they then proceeded to join the ranks watching the physical comedy show happening over the road.
This to and fro must have gone on for a good half an hour before the cops interceded and unceremoniously bundled the two blokes into the back of the waiting paddy wagon. Amidst much gnashing of teeth and cursing. I'm guessing they were both snoring by the time the cops got them to the lockup.
No real violence - just slapstick done as it should be.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Sat 28 Sep 2013, 7:38, 25 replies)

You mentioned funny, I want my money back.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Sat 28 Sep 2013, 10:22, closed)

caveat emptor - it's never been funny before so why would it be funny now

(alright alright, Sat 28 Sep 2013, 11:25, closed)

I have a feeling that "You had to be there."

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Sat 28 Sep 2013, 12:12, closed)

Oh, probably very much so...
But I think either of you two complainers being present would've put a bit of a dampener on the proceedings.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Sat 28 Sep 2013, 22:28, closed)

The basis of your story is something so tiresome (drunks) and filled with banal backstory that is of no
interest to a single living human being. Don't you think that everyone here has been on a night out and seen with their own eyes the foolishness of intoxication. The story has nothing to do with pure fury. I ran a pub for nearly eight years, I assure you that I have seen much funnier drunken antics and also witnessed terrible drunken brawls and been involved in them. Alcohol related tittery is not titter worthy.

Concise nature of your story.
I worked in a night club. People come into nightclubs and get pissed. One night two men were very pissed and tried to fight each other. Nothing happened apart from the usual drunk alpha male bollocks. The end.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Sun 29 Sep 2013, 16:48, closed)

Yep you got it bang on.
Interesting that you've now decided to become the judge of what is or isn't worthy of being posted here.
Considering your qualifications as far as this site goes and all.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Sun 29 Sep 2013, 21:41, closed)

Qualifications? Care to qualify that! You said funny, it isn't. It isn't abour pure fury. At best your
story is a very poor stream of consciousness. Pity the site does not have a dislike button, I am sure I am qualified to think that a great idea.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 9:22, closed)

Ok...
Even for you, this plumbs new depths of dullness.

But gimme five minutes...
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Sat 28 Sep 2013, 18:32, closed)

Now it's getting a bit creepy.

(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Sat 28 Sep 2013, 18:58, closed)

You're a like real-life Ignatius J Reilly.

Keep 'em coming...
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Sat 28 Sep 2013, 19:21, closed)

Needless to say, I had the last laugh!
Back in the early 1973 I had a job at a busy bar in Perth. My mum had bribed the owner to take me on - very generous on her part, as the owner wanted $500 in advance before he'd even offer me a shift! Trouble was, I'd been fired from my last four jobs and word had got around town that I was an unemployable buffoon.

My last position at the minicab firm had really caused a stir. They'd given me this brand new car that was obviously faulty. I jumped into the car to go and collect my first fare and as it was 8pm, I made sure the car was in 'N' for 'Night' and put my foot down. Nothing happened. Bugger, I thought, the clock must be screwed, so I put the stick firmly into the 'D' for 'Daytime' position and this time REALLY put my foot down...and straight through the launderette window I went! That one cost mum a lot more than $500!

Anyhoo, back to Perth. The boss wouldn't let me do anything else other than collect glasses. I'd tried behind the bar but ever since one bastard customer convinced me that metal money was worth more than paper money (I mean, why wouldn't it be?), the bossman wouldn't let me go near the tills. I'd also had a brief, unsuccessful stint as bog-cleaner - but none of the women took kindly to me sticking my mop down the bowl whilst they were having a dump. I mean come on, who doesn't want a pristine bit of porcelain to shit into?

So glass collecting it was. But I knew a little secret about glass collecting, a little secret that I was going to share with no one. Thing is, as a 'glassy', not only do you have to collect all the empties - but you can 'empty' them yourself, if you know what I mean! I would slurp down every single bit of beer, vodka, whiskey, juice - anything that was in those dirty empties, I emptied into my gut! So much free booze! I was loaded every night - and all for free!

One night after the local rugby club had visited, I must have got away with necking the equivalent of 20 pints of free beer. The rugby boys never finished their pints - they always left at least a mouthful down the bottom, a mouthful just for Rob! But that night there was trouble, one real nasty drunkard was harassing Bella the barmaid. It was so busy in the bar that no one was coming to her aid. That's when I stepped in.

I ran over to Bella and if her if she wanted me to throw the oaf out. She told me no - but something in her eyes signified that she wanted me to act, and act quickly. So I jumped on his back and we went spinning through the bar. He managed to shake me off and then came charging at me. And then, just like in the movies, the music stopped and everyone, punters, staff, passers-by - they all turned in expectation to watch the BIG FIGHT.

As the drunkard charged at me he slipped violently on the beer-soaked floor. I saw my opportunity and acted with speed and dexterity. In seconds I was standing over him. I ripped of my shirt, pulled down my trousers and yanked off my filthy y-fronts. Ha! Little did my victim know that I was loaded with 20 pints of lovely free beer. But he soon found out as I emptied my overfull bladder all over the loser. Man, I must have pissed for five whole minutes before I ran dry, the poor bastard was SOAKED!

Kneel Before Rob!

I spun to face Bella whilst squeezing the last few drops from my greasy cock. Victory! I cried! Victory is mine! Bella seemed to vomit into her mouth, I saw a little bit seep out her lips...but I guess it was a pretty violent episode and her nerves must have got the better of her. Still, I knew I was her hero. I spun again to face the crowd. Some of the hardest men in Perth were there - and they all backed away from me. They were afraid. Very afraid. I grabbed a last free beer from my glassy's bucket and ran screaming into the dark Perth night...
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Sat 28 Sep 2013, 19:02, closed)

Fucken ell Albert, that's even longer.

( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Sat 28 Sep 2013, 19:11, closed)

Eventually this place will just be Rob Shitehome telling tales of unutterable nothingness about his unfathomably dull life
and Liemallow transforming them into much longer tales of marginally less dullness but considerably more golden showers.
(alright alright, Sat 28 Sep 2013, 20:02, closed)

And just you and your endless accounts the only ones here to read them.

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Sat 28 Sep 2013, 20:24, closed)

i haven't read a story on here since about 2007

(alright alright, Sat 28 Sep 2013, 22:51, closed)

read written
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Sat 28 Sep 2013, 23:13, closed)

well yeah ... apart from all those ones that keep getting voted to the popular page
admittedly i don't have to go to anything like the effort that you do ... but that's no reason to be bitter ... there's room for try-hards as well as natural talents in this world
(alright alright, Sun 29 Sep 2013, 9:10, closed)

As we've established, you and your army of fake accounts are no match for any of us.

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Sun 29 Sep 2013, 9:35, closed)

classic lie-bert
assert something with enough indignation and you can pretend that people believe you
(alright alright, Sun 29 Sep 2013, 10:21, closed)

Quick!
Log back in as Shambolic and click 'I like this'. Or you trying to keep a low profile on that account? I guess it's like clocking a car, you're artificially keeping your post count below 150,000 by using a myriad of different usernames...with the added bonus that you can now vote yourself top of the popular page each week.

You clever bastard you!
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Sun 29 Sep 2013, 11:16, closed)

even if i were as tragic as rob shiteholme i doubt i'd try to vote myself into the least-shit page of qftw
but if it makes you feel less inadequate to imagine that's the reason i'm more popular than you then you knock yourself out
(alright alright, Sun 29 Sep 2013, 13:25, closed)

You seem to really care about getting on the popular page as if it's something that's actually important
I thought you trolls were way to cool to get wrapped up in such nonsense?
(The Magic Number is neither magic nor a number, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 9:49, closed)

and even more eventually, it'll be nothing but him posting masses of drivel and talking to himself

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sun 29 Sep 2013, 0:14, closed)

Now that would be dull!

(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Sun 29 Sep 2013, 0:41, closed)

That's his home life.

(alright alright, Sun 29 Sep 2013, 9:03, closed)