I always seem to attract the fat weirdo
A year a or so ago i was not in a rather happy place as I was going through some mental health problems. It had taken me most of the week to get up enough umph to go into town, brave the crowds and get some much needed soap from Wilkinsons.
I grabbed what I wanted spotted the nearest till by the exit and made a bee line directly towards it.
Standing in front of me at the till was a fat Janner (Plymouth's version of a chav), she had 5 kids with her and an extra sprog in a push chair surrounded by bags of Iceland pizzas and pies. Being a typical Janner she was screaming and shouting at the kids, who all had names that had recently been featured on an episode Eastenders, or named after certain cars. Her language was blue, dark blue with little specks of black around the edges and all said at the top of her voice.
She turns round to me and says "I can't believe 'ow s'pensive this back to school shoppin' is, I ad to get Harley, & charline some books and stuff 'nd som' choclate and nappies for the young one" and on she rattled a bit more to me about the high prices that feature in Wilkos and having a large litter of kids
Being that it had taken me a lot to get to town and to cope with people somewhere in my mouth came this sentence...
"Maybe you should stop breeding then?"

There was no reply.......

Another incident....I don't know if this a put down but I'll add it here
One day I was in the train station in Plymouth, I was at the front of the queue, there was a oldish guy about mid 50's huffing and puffing behind me and complaining
"Why haven't they got more tills open, where are all the staff, I'm running late, my train is about to go" etc etc....
This was in the days where I had a job working for Laithwaites/direct wines and worked in the customer complaint department. For people who don't know Laithwaites do all their business by telephone. So I would sit on a phone all day long handling problems, generally from members of the public who haven't bothered reading the small print of the advert.
Anyway this was my only day off in the middle of a long long stint of work as it was coming up to Christmas and we had been really busy sorting out distribution problems as it had snowed rather heavily.
Suddenly something just snapped inside me I turned around and said
"Look mate, I have a job dealing with complaints from members of the public, most of the day I get shouted at, complained at and sworn at
because of some little mistake that has happened. This is my day off, its not my fault or the person at the desk's fault that you haven't got here on time to buy a ticket for your train, so do us all a favour and shut the fuck up"
I turned around and calmly walked to the next available window, with a sound of deflation behind me

I don't know if its a put down but it put him in his place...

Wherever I go the fat weirdo always seems to follow me be it trains, planes, boats, buses, in shops etc they have a habit of telling me their life stories and problems... I'm now have a job as a mental health counselor, so as soon as they begin to ramble their issues to me I produce a card with my 0870 number on and a price guide of my services. Most of the time I listen and chat to them but somedays I just do not want to know...

last one...
My sister and I have seem to have great sibling rivalry, generally featuring words such as "You smell"
One day I decided to tell my sister that she was adopted from Peru and her family were llama farmers, it became an ongoing joke, including documents birth certificates and photos being produced to back up my claims...
This year in May she got married, I asked if i could do a speech (The only way i could do one was if it got vetted by our mum). There I was in front of about 80 people warbling about the last time there had been a family wedding and that morning she had electrocuted me (I was 2 at the time) and other stories until I got near to the end of my speech. I rounded it up by presenting my sister's husband with my sister's green card. On the pretext that being that she had now got married she was legally able to stay in the country....
( The invisible ham Fig rolls are the best, Tue 29 Nov 2011, 0:38, 4 replies)

Wow! Do you still do cuntish comments to strangers, or has somebody given you the kicking you clearly need?

( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Tue 29 Nov 2011, 5:40, closed)

I'm now have a job as a mental health counselor, so as soon as they begin to ramble their issues to me I produce a card with my 0870 number on and a price guide of my services

So that's what you call yourself! "mental health counsellor" or "low grade rent boy"?
(Lip Up Fatty Fatty Reggae still loves BBQ food on, Tue 29 Nov 2011, 7:32, closed)

Click

(Kliper Filllets Getting noticed by twats on the internet since, Tue 29 Nov 2011, 8:19, closed)

Why did you hand the groom a document that refers to her right of residence in the US?

( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 11:42, closed)