Fire Engine
Picture the scene.

My grandads hundred-and-twentith birthday (well, he was fucking old) in his big old house in Coventry.

I'm five or six. Dressed in my best cloths. Sitting in a corner bored shitless while the adults do adult stuff, not fucking, just talking and being dull.

My cousin, Paula starts slapping me about. She's a bit older than me. She prods me in the back and then runs off giggling. Then she comes back and does it again. And again. Then, to add insult to injury, the adults start fawning over Paula because she can play the fucking recorder. For fucks sake! They put her in the middle of the room and listen while she plays Greensleeves - over and over and over again.

I am not a happy bunny - its usually my job to be centre of attention.

I manage to get out the room, no ones paying any attention to me anyway. Fuck it. I'm off.

I manage to open the back door and wander into the garden. Its like the Great Escape - I'm Steve McQueen and all my relatives are Germans, and Paula's the camp-fucking-commandant. I look back over my shoulder through the big floor-to-ceiling French windows. All the adults are still fawning over my evil fucking cousin, the cunt.

My young brain hit upon an excellent idea to win the adulation I deserved. This is gonna be FUCKING AWSOME!!!


...

Didn't go down too well.

...


My mum and dad were fucking livid. We even had to leave early so they could send me to bed with no dinner. I remember my mum saying: "I'm so sorry," to everyone there. Even fucking Paula!

Apparently stripping off your trousers and pants, running up to the French windows, banging on them whilst squealing "whoop whoop I'm a fire engine!", while similtaniously squeezing out a jet of hot piss so it thunders against the glass and splashes back on your legs, goes down like the proverbial

...lead...

...balloon...

And I remember thinking while I was doing it: Everyone's gonna be so proud...
( SpankyHanky, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 14:20, 9 replies)

This is the kind of behaviour
that we can all day aspire to.
(Smelch God says I'm a Pirate now. Yarr!, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 15:05, closed)

wow
never saw that coming!
(Roopy all is not what it seams, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 19:37, closed)

HaHaHa!
Brilliant!
(Errin C, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 19:51, closed)

click
I hope you grew out of doing that. Please tell me you have?
(Save Us All !!!, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 19:52, closed)

Fuck it
I hope you haven't! This is legendary!
( DavyBoyInGravyJoy Grey Goose Vodka on Ice, nothing finer, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 15:10, closed)

Lovely
that's just lovely. clicky.
(Grrrrr Tigers, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 19:55, closed)

The unfairness of life...
...means that I can click "I like this" only once...
(magentacock is spunking like it's nineteen ninety-nine..., Thu 12 Mar 2009, 21:56, closed)

Whoop whoop!
You are a fire engine!

*clicks*
(ohnonotagain It's worse than you thought. I'm Canadian., Tue 17 Mar 2009, 6:21, closed)

Ha!
Cheers for the proper laugh! :)

I did a similar thing at a family gathering when an annoying cousin was getting all the attention. Only I was dropping maltesers out of the back of my shorts pretending it was poo.
( Evil Bastardo, Tue 17 Mar 2009, 15:23, closed)