My Mental Ex - A two part series
Its long, so I have posted in the replies.

Hope its been worth the 2 hours its took to type up.


*edit all done now and I didnt proof read it as its already consumed my whole afternoon....
(Monkeystrumpet monkey. Monkey, MONKEY!!!, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 15:36, 9 replies)

Prolouge / The Wedding
I went out with a total spacka-mental fruit loop called K*ren a few years ago. I was on the rebound from a real fucking hotty who broke my simian heart into a million bits and lots of boozing made me aware of this girl who was a friend of a friend. She was abrasive and rude, so I decided i liked her. She wasnt what I'd been used to and so i think i saw it as a challenge.

It was a fairly entertaining 3 months; pub quiz every tuesday where i was constantly scolded for giving comedy answers (13 or Bob Geldoff to be exact); nights out where i got told off for getting "another drink" (anything over 2 pints); constantly informed i was 'driving wrong'; always reminded about how 'nice' she was and how everyone else was horrible to her (total opposite).

It was like being at the scene of a car crash; terrible, enthralling, exciting, you know its wrong and tragic but you cant help but look on.....

I eventually got tired of the emotional abuse and blackmail, the healing process was complete and i told the pointy fingered sociopath i was off.

Big Mistake

She had always been standoffish and i liked that i didnt have to get too close but now suddenly i was Hers and how could i possibly do this to her? She was a bubbling mess and still screaming to high heaven. After a week of torrential abuse she 'forgave' me enough to allow me to her sisters wedding.

My mate Danny was having to go with his missus so i thought it would be a laugh to go along, if for nothing else but the beer and banter. By 11am we were 3 pints in, enjoying her casting evil glares at every opportunity. She hadnt said a word to me and i really didnt care. 3.50pm (on a sunday too) she comes and asks me to get some party poppers and banners. Im pretty merry by now and just smile away. An hour later she asks where the things are, I simply told her that nowhere would have been open and so i hadnt budged from the comfy leather sofas. Fireworks, as 'I' had ruined the setup for the night time....

The meal was pleasant, and the evening do was mostly a blur of shots and bad dancing. Eventually the last dance song is sounded and K*ren shuffles up to me, all sweetness and demure like and asks if I'm going to ask her for the last dance. She hasnt spoke to me since telling me i should have expected to know theyd forgotten the decorations so i politely told her no, not at all :-)

She blazed off with Cerberus following at her heels, taking the souls of those she passed with her banshee wail. I mooch off clubbing not long after with a friend (female, but just pals), and she is there too. Of course I only find this out when i have some kind of blue, sticky fucking girls drink thrown in my face. I ask friend what the blazes just happened and she tells me who it was. I am furious beyond measure, but just in the nick of time to cool my anger another drink is chucked at me. She must have let the 1st loose, then gone to the bar to reload! Anyways im scraping WKD or some crap out of my eyes and I can hear a torrent of insults thrown at me, then she turns on the girl im with. Calling her a fat slag and such. The poor girl has done nothing wrong other than sit and talk to me and now she's crying her eyes out. We move to another bar and shes crying so much I give her a hug and we decide to go home
(Monkeystrumpet monkey. Monkey, MONKEY!!!, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 15:36, closed)

Ahhhh mentals are great
I have a mental Ex who dumped me and despite us never consummating the relationship, still told everyone I had raped her. When people started getting a bit punchy I suggested that if I had actually raped her perhaps she should call the police and report me, but as she was still a virgin she may have to rethink her story. She stopped the lies soon after.
( Peej, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 15:42, closed)

I like fireworks
Did they 'Roman Candles' and 'Catherine Wheels'?
( Geoff the Clownfish You know Myra, some people might think you're cute, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 16:00, closed)

my dad burned the fence in our old house
with a catherine wheel


*not related to QOTW
(Monkeystrumpet monkey. Monkey, MONKEY!!!, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 16:14, closed)

Im going to perish in my car
she invites me in for a drink and by now theres no hope in hell im going to be able to get up for work so i accept. We end up getting it on and i move off home afterwards, very very drunk and feeling a little wrong.

the next day starts the funniest/scariest week ever.

the texts start around 9am..."I cant believe you ruined my sisters wedding", "how could YOU do this to ME", "i hope you and that slag are happy together". Now maybe I didnt mention but we've been broken up for a month by this point. So whilst she thought i'd cheated on her, I had done nothing of the sort. Apparently me breaking it all off didnt count as she had 'forgiven' me for being so brazen as to want out.

I manage to dodge her all week, but friday night im on msn after a night out and she's still badgering me so I fess up. Hoping shed get over it and realise it was indeed over.

Only the Japanese must know what this kind of fallout is really like, it was like an atomic bomb had been released on my phone but instead of blissful radiation poisoning or a nice swift atomisation I had to endure an endless stream of venomous voicemails, texts and emails.

I turned my phone on around noon on the saturday and started to read the hundreds of texts, then listened to the dozens of voicemails. I was really actually a little worried, the times showed these literally had not stopped all night. My phone rang within 10 minutes of it being on and i foolishly missed the 'withheld number' ploy. It was She, instantly setting off sonic alarms worldwide and my ear was ringing with the frothy, crying mess of expletives and misery. She told me she was on her way to "sort things out".

I decided to handle this like a man so i pulled on some clothes, smoothed my hair down, and drove to Asda where I managed to kill around an hour looking around the asiles (forgot my wallet in the hurry). My phone hadnt stopped and the texts were getting crazy.


I later compiled a Myspace blog of all the best texts.

To paint the picture She was at the end of my street on a slightly drizzly saturday afternoon (around 1pm). It was a 10 minute walk from hers and she had her car.

Texts included (these are the gist of it):

"WHERE ARE YOU, I CANT BELIEVE YOU MADE ME COME DOWN AND YOU'RE NOT IN"

"WHERE THE FUCKING HELL ARE YOU, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME"

"please come talk to me, i just want to chat"

"FUCKING HELL, I CANT BELIEVE YOU'RE GOING TO JUST LEAVE ME HERE"

"the battery has died on my car, what do i do now"

"ARE YOU JUST GOING TO LEAVE ME HERE"

and the now immortal,

"THATS IT THEN, IM JUST GOING TO PERISH IN MY CAR AND YOU DONT EVEN CARE"

I eventually emerged from my mates, where I'd gone to hide and play pes. Expecting to find her skeletal remaims, still sat in her clio at the end of my mams street, but no the car must have descended back to hell leaving me free to go get some tea. A few weeks later the calls and texts finally stopped and I was left to enjoy life.


The Myspace blog was legendary amongst my friends, i hadnt wrote it in malice but more as to just show the insanity i had been forced to endure. The comments were just as funny as the texts and calls I had wrote down word for word and it was/still is the greatest piece of writing ive ever compiled. One day it was gone, I never did find out how or why but i can only assume it got back to her and she got Tom to delete it.

If its still floating around cyberspace somewhere, please let me know if you happen upon it.
(Monkeystrumpet monkey. Monkey, MONKEY!!!, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 16:02, closed)

Ah PES..
Cures all.
( itsthebttower, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 16:27, closed)

haha
perish in my car!
She sounds a bit over dramatic
(FootOfTim, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 20:09, closed)

a "bit" is the under-estimation of the century
she was mad as a sack of cats/box of frogs... etc

i'd sell my soul to satan for a copy of that blog... it was epic
(Monkeystrumpet monkey. Monkey, MONKEY!!!, Fri 22 Oct 2010, 9:00, closed)