thought i'd pinch this one off my friend evie
who has had more disastrous dates than anyone else i know. but this particular dude whom she had met in a petrol station of all places sounded quite promising. super-simon. super-simon was good-looking, if a little ginger, funny, nice, had a good job and his own flat, hair and teeth. and for the first few weeks, it all sounded wonderful.

then one friday night we were out for dinner. two bottles of sancerre down, and evie was looking unusally thoughtful. running her finger around the top of her wineglass, she said,

"swipe, you're the blowjob queen. can i ask you something?"

i remembered that she had once thrown up mid blow-job. it wasn't the first time she had asked for help on this particular topic. so i looked around. the other tables were empty enough and i was pissed enough to attempt a demonstration on the bottle if needed. "sure."

"well, it's about super-simon," she said. oh. this was not going to be as amusing as watching evie deep-throat a bottle. i guzzled more wine. "the thing is," she said, "we've never actually had sex."

"but i thought you'd been sleeping over there?" christ, how slutty were my morals that i had assumed this meant white-hot sweaty monkeysex (albeit nothing to do with bert). evie looked even more unhappy.

"yes. the thing is, i really like him. but... after i've given him a blow-job, he just strokes my hair and says 'mmm thank you, that was naughty'. then he falls asleep. i was just wondering how i can move it on."

MMM THANK YOU, THAT WAS NAUGHTY???? FOR EIGHT WEEKS??? as you can imagine, i had many suggestions how she could move it on. and as you can imagine, evie ignored them all. three weeks later he dumped her and got back with his ex.

apologies for rambling, i have the world's worst hangover.





( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 24 Oct 2010, 18:05, 7 replies)

holy fuck!
'That was naughty', and she stayed with him after he said that more than once?! I mean post-cum, you might say something that later you'd think 'what the fuck', but Jesus wept... 'That was naughty'?! I mean, if he'd just taken her from behind in a confession box, then perhaps, but repeating it after receiving a blow job. And that's without even getting into the selfish, 'thanks for the face fuck, zzzzzz' element.
( @><|= w0nu!) or cunt to my friends, Sun 24 Oct 2010, 20:03, closed)

blowjob queen? do tell....
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Sun 24 Oct 2010, 20:04, closed)

She was once hired to give blowjobs to the Queen.
Apparently it calms Her Maj down and stops her smashing things and biting servants. I'll look out the post where 'swipe mentioned all this.
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Sun 24 Oct 2010, 20:26, closed)

I hope savage use of teeth was suggested.

(Vigilante Man weeps because you're stupid., Sun 24 Oct 2010, 21:38, closed)

What decade was this?
A blowjob hasn't been naughty for at least, mmm, 40 years or so? If there were gerbils involved, that's another story. Super-simon sounds like a complete tool.
(tuqueboy has been in a medically -induced coma since, Mon 25 Oct 2010, 0:38, closed)

sounds like a tool??
the guy is ginger.... that's probably as naughty as it gets for him (until Evie, he'd probably been used to mutual masturbation)
(Anne Frank started to build a loft conversion on, Mon 25 Oct 2010, 9:51, closed)

it turned out
he hadn't ever really split properly with his ex.

so obviously it's ok and not cheating if you are receiving, but just not giving.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 25 Oct 2010, 10:06, closed)