Facedoor
When I was a younger ESP, family holidays were a 24 hour drive to somewhere in France or Italy to stay with some Johnny foreigners at a Eurocamp; although we'd always stay in a caravan rather than a tent. We may not have been able to afford trips to Disneyland every 6 months, but we were better than the plebs covered in canvas, damnit.

Anyway, my story of schadenfreude took place when I was about 13. Wavy lines ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My family had spent a week in Provence, eating baked goods and watermelon for breakfast; having some culture forced down our throats by the rents; the incredible local food for dinner; playing table tennis with hot Dutch girls whose mannish mothers put me off the windmill-livers for life.

I had found a holiday girlfriend, a pretty yet plump creature with a lust for chips (she dumped me a day after this story happened after I refused to give her a chip. I don't regret my decision) and would spend hours laying in the sun, shyly kissing on the lips and holding hands. In the evenings we’d play in the arcade. Well, I played while she and her cousin drank coke and chatted about... fuck knows.

I decided to make my way back to our abode for food and to annoy my sisters for a few hours. Meandering through a campsite in the dark has a certain magic about it. Families of tanned tourists share company and sustenance around mozzie repellent candles, lovers drift by arm in arm, you can see proper amounts of stars. Lost in this wonderful array of sights, and still with the sweet taste of cokey lips on mine, I arrived home.

*To set the scene, the mobile home had two large, clear glass doors leading directly into the living room area where my older and younger sisters were playing a game. Outside there were three steps leading down to the patio where my parents were sitting. The place was somewhat illuminated by the light spilling through the double doors.*

I waved a cheery hello to my mum and dad and ran up the stairs to the apparently open doors. The doors weren't open. I ran into it headfirst and rebounded off, fell back down the stairs and landed in an undignified heap at the foot of them. Instant gushing nosebleed, swollen nose, sore arse and ringing ears from my entire family falling off their seats. My sisters, while laughing until tears are flowing, re-enact my moment of glory repeatedly. After a few minutes mum has managed to contain herself long enough to form coherent words and ask if I'm alright, but can't finish the sentence as my sisters are now pushing their faces into the doors from the other side and doing slow motion impressions of my face impacting, squashing and the look of 'gormless shock' I apparently had as I fell to my doom.

It was a long night, a longer last week of the holiday and a good 3 years before they stopped gurning at me through glass whenever the opportunity presented itself. Can’t say I blame them one bit, really...

Apologies for length, it’s my first time and if in doubt more is usually better.
(ElectricSexPants would like to be the Sultan of something, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 11:09, 16 replies)

Stunning
Have a click
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 11:39, closed)

Cheers!
Have a reply as you're my first ever B3ta clicker.
(ElectricSexPants would like to be the Sultan of something, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 12:11, closed)

Woo!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 12:14, closed)

In for sloppy seconds
clicks
( The Scrunt Wants a Dozen Pints, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:15, closed)

does it feel as good for you as it does for me?

(ElectricSexPants would like to be the Sultan of something, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:30, closed)

electric bum gay sex

( The Scrunt Wants a Dozen Pints, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:53, closed)

I blame the magic potion
that blind sorcerer gave me!

(if you have no idea what I'm talking about go watch the IT crowd)
(ElectricSexPants would like to be the Sultan of something, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:57, closed)

But
how is this schadenfreude?
(Bazongaloid, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:31, closed)

My family enjoying my pain. The definition of schadenfreude is pleasure derived from the misfortune of others. Should I have warned one and all that it wasn't me as the schadenfreude beneficiary, rather the... opposite of beneficiary?
(ElectricSexPants would like to be the Sultan of something, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:36, closed)

I did my 'facedoor' alone....
I once walked into a room, started to pull the door shut behind me, realised I had left something behind and spun around to get it, only to walk straight into the edge of the door. I couldn't have got it anymore perfect had I lined it up, the door totally square to me and right into the centre of my face. Where my nose lives. Hence instead of it opening or closing to take out some of the force, it didn't move and I bounced off.

I fell over with streaming eyes and cursed for a bit.
( kappynitty doubled your entendre on, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:42, closed)

Yeah...
I swear doors are overly dangerous. I end up walking into them far too often. Like when swingy double doors are usually left unlocked so you can shoulder them out of the way with ease. Then one day the caretaker is having a crafty wank so forgets to unlock them... Your shoulder barge spins you round and... facedoor!

Oh, and I'm tall so constantly walk into the top of door frames.

I want to install Fun House style hanging foam tubes instead of doors in my house...
(ElectricSexPants would like to be the Sultan of something, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:51, closed)

Ha
My mrs "walks in to a lot of doors" too. The gobby bitch.
(The Boy Monders I have ginger bits in my beard., Tue 22 Dec 2009, 14:23, closed)

Good stuff.
I enjoyed watching our dog pull the same trick when a magpie landed on the lawn just outside our ... those floor-to-ceiling glass door things.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 13:46, closed)

Same fun can be had by locking the cat flap and then calling said cats for food. Might work with dogs too, but I've never wanted to cut a burglar flap in my back door...

Oh, they're called French windows!
(ElectricSexPants would like to be the Sultan of something, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 14:00, closed)

French windows that's it!

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 22 Dec 2009, 15:05, closed)

Clicked
for classic slapstick humour and 'Virgin Frontpager' attempt.
( Rookie You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel, Wed 23 Dec 2009, 10:06, closed)