I put my head in a car crusher once.
There was this dead fit girl who worked at Londis. God she was great - lovely face, fantastic arse and huge (put pert) tits - the whole works!
Well, we got chatting once - and she let on she was really into Jackass.
"AHA!" I thought - "I know what'll make her laugh!"
So invited her round to mu "uncle" Dave's scrapyard.
I said - "SO! You like Jackass, eh? Well check this out.." and put my head in the crushing mechanism.
She mumbled something - but I couldn't make out what she said as the machine was already running...

I feel I can explain it best using poetry - so here goes...



I got my head and stuffed it in an industrial compressor,
Cos I had met this nice chick and I wanted to impress 'er,
It didn't go to plan, you know, she might have called me 'queer',
I couldn't tell because my brain was leaking out my ear.

She jumped around quite madly, like she'd just learned semaphore,
I cant see what she meant because my eyes were both quite sore,
And I was right, you know, I'll say, that seemed to be the case!
Cos both my fucking eyeballs had exploded from my face.

My head was squashed beyond all fuck, the fucking thing was mangled,
The floor all around me is with blood and gore quite spangled,
The girl I liked said that my face looked quite like fresh ground beef,
But instead of saying "thank you" I just spat out half my teeth.

My idea had back-fired totally, I felt like such a chump,
There was nothing more than blended flesh above my old neck stump,
I screamed aloud in fear and pain, just like a wild rhinoceros,
Then puke and blood and tears and pain erupted from my oesophagus.

My torn face was agony, and looked like such a mess,
I'll not try that again know - I've said but I confess,
I'll never try that once more - if you think I will start bidding!
Oh go on then, just one more time, just who the fuck am I kidding!
(SigourneysBeaver took off and nuked the entire site from orbit on, Sun 1 Dec 2013, 16:32, 9 replies)

Let the record reflect
that I like this.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Sun 1 Dec 2013, 23:31, closed)

That's because you're stupid.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Mon 2 Dec 2013, 14:44, closed)

Anyone who even thinks about writing poetry on qotw
ought to have their head crushed.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 2 Dec 2013, 8:38, closed)

Oh. Was it supposed to be poetry?
I thought they were having a stroke.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 2 Dec 2013, 9:20, closed)

Great, now I look like I'm being incredibly insensitive.

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 2 Dec 2013, 9:30, closed)

www.b3ta.com/questions/selfinflictedinjury/post2158721
( wakeupandsmellthebacon, Mon 2 Dec 2013, 11:14, closed)

the only good* qotw poetry was that one about Rory's mum that someone took two years to write
* for "good" read "unintentionally funny"
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Tue 3 Dec 2013, 0:07, closed)

My spirit is crushed.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Mon 2 Dec 2013, 11:06, closed)

i like this

(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Wed 4 Dec 2013, 12:45, closed)