Woman: A Chemical Analysis
This is, of course, not mine- it's been doing the rounds on the Internet for donkey's years in one form or another. Male version in reply.

Element: Woman
Symbol: Wo
Discoverer: Adam

Quantitative Analysis:
Accepted at 36-24-36, though isotopes ranging from 25-10-25 to 60-55-60 have been identified.

Occurrence:
Found wherever Man is, but seldom in the highly reactive, energetic singlet state. Surplus quantities in all urban areas.

Physical Properties:
Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at absolutely nothing and freezes at a moment's notice. Totally unpredictable. Melts when properly treated, very bitter if not well used. Found in various states, ranging from virgin metal to common ore. Non-magnetic, but attracted to money and sports cars. In its natural shape, the specimen varies considerably, but it is often changed artificially so well that the change is indiscernible except to the experienced eye.

Chemical Properties:
Has great affinity for Au, Ag and Cu, especially in the crystalline form. May give violent reaction if left alone. Will absorb great amounts of food matter. Highly desired reaction is initiated with reagents such as C(2)-H(5)-OH,(alcohol) and sexy aftershave lotions. An essential catalyst is often required (you must say you love her at least five times daily). Reaction accelerates when in the dark and all reaction conditions are suitable. Extremely difficult to react if in the highly stable pure form. Yields to pressure applied at the correct points. The reaction is highly exothermic.

Storage:
Best results are obtained between the ages of 18 and 25 years.

Uses:
Highly ornamental. Used as a tonic for low spirits. Used on lonely nights as a heating agent - if properly prepared.

Tests:
Pure specimens turn rosy tint if discovered in raw, natural state. Turns green if placed beside a better specimen.

Caution:
Most powerful reducing agent known to Man (income and ego). Highly explosive in experienced hands. Specimen must be used with great care if experiments are to succeed.

NOTE:
It is illegal to possess more than one permanent specimen, though a certain amount of exchange is permitted.
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Wed 30 Dec 2009, 0:37, 4 replies)

Man: A Chemical Analysis
Element: Man
Symbol: Ah (short for Arsehole)
Atomic Mass: Accepted as 70. May vary from 50-150 kg. Highly reactive at 150 or higher. (avoid at all costs)
Quantitative: Accepted at 7 inches, wavy brown hair, 6' 0" in length, though some isotopes can be as short as 4 inches.
Discoverer: Eve
Occurrence: Found following dual element Wo, often in high concentration near a perfect Wo specimen.

Physical properties:
1) Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol).
2) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with Wo (Snore ... zzzzz).
3) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature.
4) Rarely found in pure form after 14th year.
5) Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted form of the Wo common ore.
6) Tarnishes easily. Needs constant polishing and attention
7) Crusty exterior but may be soft underneath.
8) Naturally found in the crude state but may be purified
9) Simple in structure.
10)Often found in the gaseous state.
11)Spontaneous polarity changes relative to surrounding specimens.

Chemical properties:
1) All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is possible.
2) May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely favorable conditions.
3) Usually willing to react with what ever is available.
4) Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existant to Pre-interaction effects (which tend to turn the specimen bright red).
5) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody.
6) Great affinity for fatty substances.
7) May react violently under pressure.
8) Low boiling point, high melting point.
9) Attraction to large quantities of iron.
10)Poorly bonds with other substances.
11)Pure substances are rarely found except when covalently bonded.

Storage: Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for favorable reaction style.

Uses: Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, general repairs, free dinners for Wo...

Tests:
1) Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths.
2) Appearance greatly improves when placed in a sports car.
3) Easily titrates to yellow under stress.
4) Never true blue.

Caution: Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with reaction to a particular Wo specimen. Otherwise very malleable under correct conditions.
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Wed 30 Dec 2009, 0:43, closed)

Chemically induced bisexual bipolar?

(stuntsmile, Wed 30 Dec 2009, 8:53, closed)

I think
you mean C, in the crystalline form. No one wants crystalline copper.
(jade, Wed 30 Dec 2009, 17:53, closed)

Yup
As I said though, wasn't me who wrote it. Copy/pasted with spelling corrections.
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Thu 31 Dec 2009, 20:13, closed)