Forbidden fruit
My biggest sexual regret is not getting beyond a passionate kiss with the most beautiful girl I ever knew. But on the other hand, this was a very lucky escape for both of us.

As a young man I got to know a very beautiful girl through a serious of odd coincidences. There was something very special between us: a deep connection, almost as if we knew what each other was thinking. This was despite the fact that when she first met me she thought I was too short, and my ruggedly-handsome mate was also head-over-heels for her. He seemed to have a thing for hair, and she always had great hairstyles. The three of us really hit it off and ended up as a kind of a gang, with a few other folk hanging around with us. We used to get into all sorts of scrapes, and despite the obvious sexual tension within our little trio, we somehow never managed to get off with each other.

But then I got into a big argument with a member of my family. I won’t go into details but it ended very badly for me. The girl somehow realised I was in trouble and alerted the rest of the gang who came to lend a hand and get me to hospital. When she and my pal came to visit it was obvious there was something going on between them. He was really trying to hit on her and she was laughing at him and then, as if to teach him a lesson, she suddenly kissed me passionately on the lips, right in front of him! I couldn’t believe it; it was such an intense feeling after all these years of waiting. Unfortunately I wasn’t in any condition to follow up and we never seemed to find any time alone after that.

God she had a great body: for a while she was wandering round just in a bikini and I couldn’t take my eyes off her, but by then my thoughts about her had changed enormously. I’d been in touch with someone who was an old acquaintance of my father’s, who gave me a message, from beyond the grave, as it were. And, well, let’s just say it was very lucky we never got beyond that kiss. Eventually she and my mate got it together. Unsurprising really, given what they’d been through. We all of us remained close friends. But I can’t help having that slight regret that I never knew what it was like to shag her, even though that would very definitely have been forbidden fruit.
(Smale is stuffed, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 12:06, 24 replies)

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 12:10, closed)

First paragraph
First line. Try harder.
( MatJ LOOK, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 12:25, closed)

No cigar
Knew what was coming from the first sentance. Nice try though.
(Booce, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 12:25, closed)

Nerd.

(username failed moderation, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 12:45, closed)

Is this one
of the usual Star Wars retellings?
(ubergeekian, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 13:02, closed)

Why
do people do these?
(wrigglesworth, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 13:03, closed)

Because they hate you.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 13:08, closed)

They must hate me as well.

(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 13:22, closed)

Everybody hates you.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 13:23, closed)

They've got the right idea there.

(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 13:34, closed)

That is funny
You are the best
(wrigglesworth, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 13:22, closed)

Fucking hell. This makes me long for Egret jokes.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 13:09, closed)

The Stork is strong in this one.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 13:24, closed)

I find your lack of crakes disturbing.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 13:25, closed)

That's no smew, it's a water rail.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 13:27, closed)

I should probably stop now.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 13:27, closed)

This is the funniest thing posted this week.
Tragic, really.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 17:19, closed)

Oh dear
I didn't twig 'til I saw the replies. Good work!
(SimianKid internet faffer, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 13:48, closed)

Hooray
at least one person then
(Smale is stuffed, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 14:21, closed)

You got me too.
But I'm not exactly a huge Star Wars fan.
(anonymousreality tickled your fancy on, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 16:23, closed)

2nd paragraph
first line
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 14:49, closed)

Got to the end before I twigged, but
"lend a hand"?
Bastard! :)
( P-MONKE We're all fucked, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 19:46, closed)

So your story is...
you nearly fucked your twin sister & you regret not having the chance to lay her?
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 13 Dec 2011, 20:10, closed)

Yeah
you can see it in his eyes in part 6
(Smale is stuffed, Wed 14 Dec 2011, 8:39, closed)