Having lived in Cornwall, I have seen many families pass through on holiday, having a shit time.
Yada yada, family circumstances, ex wife, for whatever reason I had family ties down in Cornwall and because of this I ended up living there for nigh on 6 years. Idyllic? Whimsical? Rustic? Well as I am fond of saying, nice place to raise a child but I wouldn't wan't to try getting a job there again.

For indeed it took me 6 months of living down in Fukkin' old Helston town to even be able to get a job (trade in those parts was not geared up to my skillset) so I ended up having to work at the town's greatest employer, Flambard's Theme Park. I think the theme was 'it's the only amusement park in 600 square miles. Come and be fleeced for not very much amusement'.

Despite the perception that Cornwall has glorious weather all year round, that particular patch was a bit of an oddity as weather that rolled in from the Atlantic first touches the SW peninsular it often backs up and does weird things with fog, low cloud, sudden downpours etc. which 5/10 times means the annual flying display at RNAS Culdrose is a waste of fucking time as well.

So oftentide a family that thought Camping Was The Way (with the promise that even if the sleeping was a bit rough, beaches and golden sunshine would be their reward by day) would usually be found stomping around the town during a cloudy drizzle wearing only the shorts and flip flops and t-shirts they had packed, shielded from the mist by a single solitary kagoul apiece and dispiritedly shuffling along the pavement nibbling at a pasty while the patriarch became increasingly pissed off with the lamentation of the kids (who were missing Playstation, Sky TV, indoor toilets and heating) until Bingo! He would blow his top and issue the standard exasperated statement "LOOK WE'RE TRYING TO HAVE FUN TOGETHER! AS A FAMILY!".

Back to Flambards. I suppose at its inception the 'Aero park' with static exhibits of 50s/60s prop and jet fighter aircraft was worth 50p admission. Then they expanded into a 'Model Victorian village' exhibition that soon got added to with a 'Britain in the blitz' walk-through area. OK, maybe charge £1.50.

Then fairground attractions started creeping in, then go-karts, then crazy golf, and before you knew it a whole 'amusement park rides' theme became prelevant. Except they were piss-weak. And for what is probably now £17.50 an adult, a bit fucking steep.

'Family based fun' meant that even when the 'Hornet' roller coaster was commissioned, it was watered down to - in their own words - a 'pink knuckle ride'. It was not uncommon for outspoken 4-year old brats to get off the ride - sporting 'Nemesis at Alton Towers baseball caps'- stating "That was the rubbishest thing I've ever been on".

The log flume did at least give you a thrill of gravity-induced freefall and so in the quiet days there would be a hardcore of bore-crazed teens going around and around and around getting stupidly soaked as AT LEAST IT MADE THEM FEEL ALIVE. Also my personal favourite, the balloon race elevated basket dangle whizzathon, because there was a genuine thrill of fear that a bolt would snap and you would be catapulted into the field of cows next door.

If by chance you end up down Helston way, my advice is simple. Take the kids down Poldark Mine, then go to the Blue Anchor and get some Spingo real ale. If there is a storm on go to Porthleven and watch the shit fly in and batter the coast from the Atlantic Inn or Ship Inn. Go to the beach at Praa Sands if it's a nice day. There is a cinema in town if all else fails and the town museum does have a nice gift shop with polished minerals and jewellery.

/done with that town.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Sat 16 Aug 2014, 8:51, 13 replies)

if it's the only theme park in 600 square miles that means there's a theme park about fifteen miles away
even with the shitty roads of Cornwall that's only half an hour drive

Lolarithmopedant.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sat 16 Aug 2014, 9:00, closed)

South West Cornwall is not a uniform square.
600 square miles is almost half of its entire land mass.

/Geographipedant
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Sat 16 Aug 2014, 9:07, closed)

they should just chip the whole thing off with a hammer and float it off as a buffer against Atlantic storms

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sat 16 Aug 2014, 9:12, closed)

and wales

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Sat 16 Aug 2014, 9:17, closed)

we need a much bigger buffer against Wales

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sat 16 Aug 2014, 9:20, closed)

Yer big emmet.

( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Sat 16 Aug 2014, 9:56, closed)

So,
preferable to Scotland, then?
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Sat 16 Aug 2014, 10:37, closed)

The best day of the week!

(Woodlouse say it with flowers. Send her a Triffid, Sat 16 Aug 2014, 23:03, closed)

The Aero Park was great, we didn't have to pay the 50p because dad was stationed at Culdrose.
Spingo is both wonderful and dangerous. Helston is pretty shit apart from the Blue Anchor though. I would say to anyone coming to Cornwall, eat in Falmouth, Beach/Surf at Gwithian or Godreavy and for fucks sake don't look to go out to a club. All the clubs are fucking shit throughout the whole county. Better off finding a nice pub and soaking in the atmosphere.
( Peej, Sun 17 Aug 2014, 12:34, closed)

you mean
there's such a thing as a non shit club? I've lived in Devon and Cornwall all my adult life, so I didn't know that was a thing.
(teasus likes tea, Sun 17 Aug 2014, 23:52, closed)

There used to be (maybe still is)
A special evening bus that was put on from Helston, through the villages to the Twilight Zone in Redruth. Anyone who has an image of Cornwall being bucolic and friendly would be very effectively re-educated by that particular journey. Almost certainly the most depressing club I've ever been too - and I used to go out in Swansea for a few years.
(tomegranate, Mon 18 Aug 2014, 16:50, closed)

And one going the other way to The barn in Penzance.
Never tempted. Never.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Mon 18 Aug 2014, 17:48, closed)

I fackin love the Lizard
All that Helston is to me is where you turn left.
(LetsGetDownToIt, Mon 18 Aug 2014, 9:11, closed)

Once dropped ecstacy in that theme park and
took the same ride (some rotating spinning upside down effort) 20 times in a row. Was sick on the bus on the way back to Penzance, got off the bus at Marazion to cheer ourselves up with the last of our Columbian marching powder.
( Locus213 Slightly to the left of Bakunin, Mon 18 Aug 2014, 10:03, closed)

two things I know about people who use the phrase "Columbian marching powder"
1) they're incredibly dull
2) what they're actually sniffing is a dirty blend of speed and ajax
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 18 Aug 2014, 10:36, closed)

"the perception that Cornwall has glorious weather all year round"
You have been dreadfully misinformed about the West Country.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Mon 18 Aug 2014, 11:54, closed)

I went to school in Helston
Left the area as soon as I was old enough. The place still winds me up so much that the last time I went back I got smashed on Spingo in the Blue Anchor and told an innocent stranger he was a cunt. I don't say boo to a goose normally.
(tomegranate, Mon 18 Aug 2014, 16:46, closed)