Poo, wasps, piranhas and alligators
My school saw it fit to try to kill the sixth-form in interesting ways; so it was that, in the summer of 1995, just after my A-Levels, I found myself a member of a month-long expedition to Ecuador.

I could mention the fact that, owing to the altitude of most of the country, you aren't supposed to put paper down the loo: instead, there's a small wastepaper basket. I could mention the fact that, after a month of this, I developed a routine and that, for a couple of days after I returned home, my reflex after a visit to the throne would be casually to toss a handful of messy Andrex onto the floor in the bathroom.

But no. That is not my story.

In the course of the expedition, we spent most of our time in the various parts of the country's highlands - but we also spent a week in the jungle. For several blissful days, we lived in tents in a clearing by a lake in primary jungle. We built balsa rafts and went fishing for piranha, daring each other to dangle our feet over the side as we threw in bits of raw meat as bait. We were more careful near the alligators.

This being primary jungle, there was no loo. (I can't remember what we did for drinking water.) Excretory requirements were met by nipping into the forest with a shovel and finding a convenient bush.

Caught by the need to poo, I wandered off in search of the perfect place - and, I believed, found it. A vine or branch had grown towards the ground from about waist height; all I had to do was locate a convenient spot along the hypoteneuse where the bough was at the correct elevation, and to sit. None of that undignified and poorly-balanced squatting for me.

We had been told that we ought to dig ourselves a little pit before performing, the easier to cover our filth in the aftermath. I must have been a bit needy, because I decided to shit first and worry about burial later.

How was I to know that the local wasps had chosen to build their nest in the drop-zone?

"What the...?" I blurted as I realised that there was a large delegation from the local insect neighbourhood watch who wanted a stern word with my behind. "Oh, fuck."

I tried to bat them away, but they were having none of it, and they were now buzzing angrily all around me.

Through the trees, I spotted the glint of the small lake next to which we were camped. There was only one thing to do: outrun the wasps. I half-ran, half stumbled towards the shore, pulling my shorts up as I went.

But the wasps were determined and athletic. They kept pace - and now their blood was up. In my mind they wore little insect red jackets, blew little insect horns and had packs of little insect dogs in pursuit. What was I to do now? There was only one option. I jumped into the water.

The water, you'll remember, that was home to piranhas and alligators.

Fortunately for me, piranhas apparently only get blood-lust at certain times of the year (which is why our fishing only yielded one or two), and they largely ignored me. I can't explain why the alligators ignored me too. A sense of pity, perhaps. I thanked them quietly when I saw them later.

I climed out of the lake and wandered back into the jungle to find the shovel...
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 28 Mar 2008, 11:14, 11 replies)

click
For some reason, I heard the title in my head in Brian Perkins' most sombre headline-reading voice.

This story would have considerably livened up the year book...
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Fri 28 Mar 2008, 11:16, closed)

*click*
and you still like jungles after that?
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 28 Mar 2008, 12:18, closed)

@CHCB
Indeed I do. I shall simply take more defecatory care in future.


Apropos of little, we made a cake in that jungle using a trangia and some soil as the oven. In the middle of virgin forest, we still produced a passable victoria sponge. How very middle-class.

*sigh*
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 28 Mar 2008, 12:23, closed)

I like it.
Good story, which has earned my enclickment.

One technical point - what it is about the altitude that makes flushing
bog roll difficult? Would it be because there's a huge pressure at the end of the sewage pipe when it comes out into the sea? :-)

I was in Greece once (at sea level) and we were told to put the used paper in a bin rather than flushing it, but that was because the plumbing was rubbish.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 28 Mar 2008, 12:23, closed)

^^
I was wondering that as well.
( Bazongaloid, Fri 28 Mar 2008, 12:29, closed)

@K2k6
I think it's just because they don't have the water pressure to guarantee enflushification. Quito is at about 3000 metres, for example, and I guess that a poor country like Ecuador has better things on which to spend its money than the massive pumping operation that a city that size'd require.

On the other hand, Guayaquil's by the sea, and, IIRC, they still used baskets there. Maybe Guayaquileños are just filthpigs.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 28 Mar 2008, 12:30, closed)

@Enzyme
Middle class? Marginally, but it would have been more middle class of you if you'd done that on a gap year.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 28 Mar 2008, 12:40, closed)

surely the most middle class thing
would be if you had asked your mum and/or dad to send you out a victoria sponge as you missed their home cooking.
( Bazongaloid, Fri 28 Mar 2008, 12:43, closed)

@althegeordie
Knowing some of the people at my school, that's not as far from the possible truth as it might be - 'cept those little darlings would never have signed up for the trip in the first place.

Survive in the jungle? Those fuckers couldn't survive in a town!
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 28 Mar 2008, 12:46, closed)

Coming soon, on ITV1...
I'm middle class, get me a Victoria sponge cake (Mum)
( Fireflier La la la la, not listening on, Fri 28 Mar 2008, 13:22, closed)

@Enzyme
Yes, but the head of water to flush a loo comes from the cistern, which is not very far above the bowl. I suspect it's probably the case that the plumbing just can't handle it. Like you say, there's not a whole lot of money around in Ecuador.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 28 Mar 2008, 13:29, closed)