I am the eldest of three
I have a younger brother and sister. I could have had an elder sister, but she died aged 18 months following an accidental overdose, having managed to climb up to the medicine cupboard and help herself to what she thought were brightly coloured sweets. These were the days before childproof bottles :(

I differ from my siblings in that I don't have kids of my own, although I adore my nieces and nephew. However, my youngest niece (my brother's daughter) causes me concern and for that I could cheerfully clock my bro across the head with a blunt instrument at times.

My bro is an easygoing person and tends to not make a fuss of things in order to not upset the apple cart. He split up with his daughter's mother a few years ago after she became unable to keep her legs shut anytime she went out; however, she retained custody of their daughter. Which, for my niece, was probably the worst thing that could ever have happened. She is a beautiful little thing, but has seen things that a 6 year old really shouldn't, including her mother passed out on the stairs completely hammered. Her mother doesn't give a toss about her at all, rarely puts her in clean clothes, and recently ignored a letter about her precious daughter's rapidly deteriorating eyesight. There is more, but it would take ages to write. In short, her mother is a self absorbed fuckwit who only cares about where her next drink is coming from and how much money she can fleece from my brother on the pretext that their daughter needs money for school dinners, or new clothes, but in reality she needs it so she can go and sit in a local nightclub waiting for the next mug to come by.

What is happening to the poor kid is, quite frankly, serious neglect, and it worries me. On a recent visit to the family, my brother's very lovely girlfiend raised the issue. She, my sister, dad, and myself, were all agreed that my bro needs to do something before it's too late - he really should have custody; otherwise the kid is going to end up severely fucked up in a very short space of time. If he takes action now, it could save a lot of heartache in the future.

Unfortunately he took this to mean we were having a pop at him, rather than trying to help. He dotes on his daughter, and she loves him to bits, but he can't seem to admit what is happening to her.

I'm going to go back up in the New Year and try to talk some sense into him. His girlfriend isn't working at the moment and would love to be able to care for her while he's at work. My sister would help with childcare; I would even chuck a few quid a month their way to help out financially (being a 100 mile round trip away means that helping out in other ways is a bit impractical).

I hope he listens to me. Because if he doesn't, I feel I may have to take drastic action and get the authorities involved. he's my brother, and love him dearly, but he's responsible for his daughter and she should be his number one priority. I'm prepared to put my relationship with my brother on the line for the sake of his daughter being where she should be.

I hope he listens.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sat 27 Dec 2008, 18:43, 7 replies)

You'd need to have a really strong case against her.
From what I can gather, social services are loathe to take a child away from it's mother unless in dire straits. Look what happened to baby P.

Good luck with the chat.
( girlinthehole, Sat 27 Dec 2008, 19:00, closed)

My brother and his GF
Have a list of incidents that have happened, which should help.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sun 28 Dec 2008, 13:15, closed)

I have some advice, if you'll take it.
Don't bring up the money, at least not right away: you don't want to appear as though you don't think he can support himself, especially if he's already on the defensive.

When it comes to dealing with the DSS, make an appointment for you, your brother and girlfriend to see a social worker, just for a chat. If they can see the situation before they take action things will be smoother.
( jonbob loves you, Sat 27 Dec 2008, 19:17, closed)

It's a tricky situation
Made trickier by the fact that my brother's ex is a very good actress when she needs to be. Her mother is a high ranking police officer, her step dad is also in the Force, and her real dad is a headmaster... if they can't see what the fuck is going on, then I worry for the kids wellbeing.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sat 27 Dec 2008, 20:11, closed)

If it's a case of neglect
others will notice too. Do her teachers think she's being looked after properly? If he's got a custody battle on his hands, it would counter the acting/relatives-in-high-places if he brought along a witness or two.

Perhaps it's not his easy-going nature that's preventing him taking custody, maybe he just wants to move on from his relationship with his ex.

Whatever the outcome, I hope it works out well in the end.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 29 Dec 2008, 3:18, closed)

justified intervention
from what you say you could risk seriously pissing off your brother, however you are right to look at the bigger picture and take action to help your neice and your brother.

a few times my sister has 'interviened' in my business claiming to be acting on behalf of the whole family... it is only now that i realise what a great favour she did to me. I was very short sighted when i was in the middle of my issues... so i say to you this:

firstly- i hope it all works out in the end and your beautiful neice gets the upbringing she deserves and

secondly- if your brother does not appreciate it now he will eventually see why you are doing what you do now.
(jenko83, Sat 27 Dec 2008, 23:09, closed)

I have been in almost exactly the same spot as your brother.
And I'd like you to consider this.

Your primary concern is for the welfare of the child. Your brother's feelings should have nothing to do with it if that's the case.

And it's clear from my experience that Social Services will only get involved if there's a high possibility of physical harm or indications from a doctor/teacher that something's up. And taking a child away from a parent is seen as an absolute last resort. Your goal should be to ensure her current home life is up to standard and if not, her mother needs to change. If that doesn't happen, eventually Social Services will start getting heavy, but that's a long way off yet.

I hope that's not too patronising. If you do wanna talk further, you can always gaz me.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 29 Dec 2008, 11:18, closed)