Ending The Smoking Debate
If, like me, you're a staunch non-smoker tired of hearing the (unprompted) rantings of smokers over their right to smoke, do what I do -- repeat their own arguements back to them, but replacing the words "smoke" and "smoking" with "wank" or "wanking". As in...

"It's my legal right to wank in public."
"The government shouldn't be able to tell us where or when we can wank."
"I should be allowed to wank on the bus/train/plane."
"If non-wankers don't like me wanking they can stand somewhere else."
"Who says wanking sections in restaurants put people off their food?"

Now, inevitably these people will point out, probably in a self-righteous or disgusted fashion, that smoking and wanking are two entirely different things. In response you can tell them you agree, because --

1. No-one ever died from second-hand wanking.
2. Wanking never gave anyone a terminal disease.
3. Except in extreme cases, and every human being between the ages of roughly 12 - 16, wanking isn't addictive.
4. Millions of pounds of our tax money doesn't get wasted each year helping adults that should know better to quit their wanking habit.
5. Very few people wank around their children and claim it doesn't do them any harm.
6. The government can't levy a tax on wanking.
7. When enjoyed responsibly, wanking doesn't make your hair, clothes or breath smell, and any stains are machine-washable.

Now, I actually don't have anything particularly against smokers, but it's always amusing watching the more self-righteous amongst them struggling with the undeniable fact that my filthy habit is no worse than theirs when you get down to brass tacks...
(Orin delurked to post this gibberish on, Sun 23 Mar 2008, 19:56, 10 replies)

I agree, except
for your statement about wanking not being addictive. Try doing without it for a month...or a day or two even!

There is another argument though. Wanking genuinely makes you feel good. Whereas smoking simply removes the anxiety of craving and restores you to the normality and peace which non-smokers enjoy all the time.
(Super Jet Shoes, Sun 23 Mar 2008, 22:42, closed)

or
replace "smoking" with "farting".

Be careful around naked flames though.
(hagis_uk, Sun 23 Mar 2008, 22:57, closed)

That's not true,
it's scientificy proven that smoking makes you feel good as it releases chemicals in the brain. I forgot the name of the chemical but will edit it in when I remember. (or someone else can provide it for me if they're feeling kind.)
(Belgaer is, Mon 24 Mar 2008, 0:44, closed)

True
But, on the other hand, there aren't hordes of smug, self-satisfied arseholes telling you not to wank on a regular fucking basis.

Why don't we all just live and let live, smokers and wankers both
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Mon 24 Mar 2008, 1:23, closed)

Plus,
wanking actually helps ward off cancer (of the prostate) and therefore is beneficial to one's health and happiness.
(Harleif Skankhammer II was killing time at, Mon 24 Mar 2008, 3:03, closed)

@ Belgaer
Endorphins????
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Mon 24 Mar 2008, 10:08, closed)

2 THings
First, I think this post is a bit backwards. I've never heard smokers going on a rant about having the right to smoke unprompted. It usually (or always in my experiance) is the result of a self-righteous twat piously telling a smoker that they shouldn't. As a smoker I hate this. But even when I didn't smoke I hated people doing that. It our/their choice. Just because you don't like is no reason to piss on someone's bonfire. Its the same as anything else. How would you like it if as a tee totaler I came up to you and told you not to drink just because I don't?

Second thing: I believe the chemical being referred to is serratonin if my memory is correct.
(Teran Thinks Pogonophobia is funny, Mon 24 Mar 2008, 11:19, closed)

Mwahahahahahaaaa!
*clicky*

Wanking releases endorphins too.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Mon 24 Mar 2008, 20:50, closed)

I feel I should explain a couple of things...
Firstly, I really do have a live and let live policy with smokers. This post was inspired by the relative few smokers that irritate me, and I have no reason to tar (hur-hur!) you all with the same brush.

Point #2: When I say "unprompted rantings", I mean unprompted by *me*. No doubt their anger is often prompted by some self-righteous arsehole telling them not to smoke whilst on their fag break, but there's no reason to direct a pro-smoking tirade at me just because I'm the only non-smoker in the office (ESPECIALLY when I have never attacked a single smoker over their habit). What can I say? I work with pricks.

Point #3: I hate holier-than-thou non-smokers just as much as I dislike the aforementioned pro-smoking tirades. Just so we're clear. :)

Mmmkay. Hopefully we're now all friends again!
(Orin delurked to post this gibberish on, Mon 24 Mar 2008, 23:50, closed)

When this QOTW started
I was a smoker.

Now I'm not. Which probably means that in a so-ironic-it-hurts kind of fashion I am going to get hit by a truck on the way home tonight, probably one delivering cigarettes to ASDA.

*Twitches.*
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 26 Mar 2008, 13:12, closed)