allegory alert
It was a typical day in the forest. Barry Squirrel was scratching his nuts; Edward Badger was humping a rabbit corpse, and Gunter Magpie was re-ordering his collection of milk-bottle tops and stolen jewellery. Birdsong and the lazy hum of bees filled the cool, green shadows.

"Christ, this is boring!" said Edward, disengaging from the dead bunny. "There must be something better than this. Why don't we have a competition to see who can come up with a better way to pass the time. The prize will be a bag of whatever you like most."

Barry imagined a bag of crisp acorns. Gunter imagined a load of necklaces and coins. Edward imagined a bag of hallucinogenic mushrooms. And so they set to work.

After a week, Barry presented his invention: a rudimentary see-saw with a bowl of acorns at each end. This was universally derided as a piece of shit by his friends. Gunter had created a kind of assault course with a variety of baffling obstacles for them to leap through. But being a bird, he was able to cheat and was mocked for his pathetic attempts to win. Edward Badger, however, had created something entirely new.

"It's a piece of paper filled with dry leaves," he said. "You set fire to one end and breathe in the smoke."

"Why would you do that?," asked Barry. "We all know that breathing smoke will kill you. Look at Henry Cow or Brian Ferret - they both inhaled smoke during the barn fire and they died. I think you had sex with Brian's corpse, Edward."

"Ah, but it's fun," said Edward. "It will make us look cool. We can make everyone else do it and we'll be the kings of the forest. Here - try it for yourselves."

So the three friends all put the burning leaves in their mouths and they all agreed that the experience was very unpleasant. Barry coughed and then vomited. Edward just vomited, and Gunter croaked for days afterwards. It was broadly considered to be a piss-poor invention. "But we'll get used to it!" urged Edward.

"Why would we want to? I wouldn't like to get used to cutting my paws or banging my head against a tree," said Barry. "If you don't like something, there's no reason to try it again."

"But what if everyone else is doing it?" asked Edward. "And what if we put a tiny amount of magic mushrooms in each one so the other animals won't be able to stop themselves? And what if we advertise our invention throughout the forest? We'll pay Harvey the Owl to smoke some - and everyone respects his opinion."

"Won't we all die?" asked Gunter. "Inhaling burning leaves for a while can't be good for you. And the magic mushrooms will probably cause long-term cerebral damage."

Well, there's was no arguing with Edward and he went into full-scale production. Soon, all the animals in the forest were inhaling burning leaves. Everywhere one looked, there were animals with tubes of burning leaves sticking out of their mouths. A few wildfires destroyed parts of the forest, and a number of animals dropped dead, but it was such a popular craze that Edward did indeed become very successful. Nobody seemed to mind that everybody smelled of burned leaves and that the once peaceful forest was full of coughing, phlegm and discarded butts.

Eventually, all of the animals died from the effects of inhaling smoke, including Edward. Even those animals who'd never smoked were affected by the smoke from others. As Barry Squirrel gasped his last on a ventilator, he suddenly had a great idea - which he passed on to his squirrel kin gathered around the hospital bed:

"Wouldn't it be great if we could ferment acorns and produce an alcoholic beverage? We could all drink it until our internal organs rot, and we'd have a great time as we all drank too much and got into fights at the weekend. We'd leave our partners, fall out of trees, vomit and piss away our lives because it would be cool and everyone else would be doing it, too!"

Barry's young son Hermann looked sadly at his father. "What a fucking dickhead!" he concluded.
(frankspencer, Tue 25 Mar 2008, 11:11, 8 replies)

Very useful...
I shall be reading this to my 7 year old nephew to warn him off.
( girlinthehole, Tue 25 Mar 2008, 11:35, closed)

^^^
to warn him off the ciggies, or to warn him off being a necrophiliac badger?
( Bazongaloid, Tue 25 Mar 2008, 11:40, closed)

Geordie
I think warning him off either would be a good thing!

I shall also nab this story for future generations.
( uberdeity Wondered why Owen Lars knew of the term "hell" on, Tue 25 Mar 2008, 12:29, closed)

genius
in a most disturbing way....
*click*
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Tue 25 Mar 2008, 13:00, closed)

aww
I was hoping for a "happily ever after" type of conclusion, but there is only one thing i like better - necrophiliac bestiality.

Click
(ShitBitch, Tue 25 Mar 2008, 15:46, closed)

FrankSpencer
there is something brilliantly compelling about the posts you write, QOTW's are so much better with your input.

I'm being sincere too! Have you ever considered publishing your posts in a book and selling the book (just dont give it away first..)

I'll be copying this and reading it to my spawn when they arrive.

G
(turkeywelder, Tue 25 Mar 2008, 16:39, closed)

G_whizz
I doubt anyone would pay to read these ramblings. But if there's someone out there who wants to....
(frankspencer, Tue 25 Mar 2008, 16:51, closed)

frankspencer
has too much time on his hands, if you ask me...

(Kidding, frank).
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 26 Mar 2008, 11:03, closed)