Emil Minty
Online social networking gaffes be fucked. I can cock things up in the old fashioned way.

One of my worst was when I had a paper published in a reasonably respected journal and was invited to present at an international conference. I was young, this was the first academic paper I had ever written (beyond assignments), and it was, to be honest, a buzz. I was very nervous leading up to the event. I was due to present in the late afternoon and I had a sleepless night and a very uncomfortable day. I may have vomited, but that could be a false memory. I was shitting myself though. Anyway, my time came to present, I got up, I spoke well, I fielded the questions, I sat down. And once that was over I was on cloud nine. Teh win!1! I felt fucking great.

It was quite a ‘big deal’ this conference and that evening there was a harbour cruise for 150 or so dignitaries. As I was a presenter I got an invite. On the boat I quaffed a few happy juices and chatted and had a few more. I was on a huge natural high and in addition the tins were sliding down well. After a while I needed to empty my bladder so I made my way to the loo. As I was moving through the obstacles the Dean of my school, the highly respected person who had very recently secured a scholarship for me to do my Ph.D., caught my arm and manoeuvred me to his table. Seated at the table were half a dozen males and females I didn’t know, but they were obviously the Gods in this environment. The Dean presents me to this group and mentions my paper and lecture/speech. Nods all round. Then the Dean says what no person should say when introducing a nervous young man to a group of his significant betters... ‘Mime will know a good joke for us’.

Evidently these folk had been telling yarns and enjoying themselves, and now the pressure was on for me to amuse them. I hate that at the best of times, but it is dangerous when someone is half full of beer, half full of natural high, and young, naive and way out of their depth. Personally, I’m just not built to cope. I tried to do the right thing with ‘I can’t think of one’ but that was met with pretend jeers and mild scorn from this small group of folk who dream in algebra and invent new letters for the alphabet. So I feebly admitted that I did know one joke, but it wasn’t appropriate. It was my favourite joke at the time, and honestly it was the only joke I could think of. This small group, all well at the sunset of their esteemed careers, and probably (from the vantage point of many years of reflection) slightly tiddly, insisted I share it. In my defence I did say I didn’t want to tell any jokes, that the only joke I could recall was racist, very offensive and inappropriate, and I really just needed a pee. But they were insistent. I did warn them once more, but... So I started the joke, saying:

Do you remember the Mad Max films? Do you remember the third one; Beyond The Thunderdome? You know how Mel Gibson and Tina Turner star together? Well, apparently once the filming was finished there was a massive after-party and everyone drank too much. Later in the night Mel and Tina ended up in the same hotel room, and they made passionate love. Afterwards they are lying there gasping, sweat running off them, and Tina says ‘Mel, you are a fantastic lover. Please, let’s do that again’. Mel says ‘Tina, you are a wonderful lover too, so sexy and energetic. I’d love to do it again. But please understand I am getting on in years and I need some rest between sex sessions. And while I am asleep I want you to hold onto my penis with both hands’. Tina thinks this is very strange, but she is eager for another steamy session so she complies.

Might I add at this point... I did a visual audience check, and they are all engaged, eyes locked on, leaning forward, focused. I had not been swearing, I’d been keeping things in check, civilised even. So I proceed...

So Mel wakes up after his sleep and jumps back on Tina, and they have wonderful sex for a few hours. Fantastic sex, well timed, and perfectly intimate. And afterwards they are both lying there panting, and Tina says ‘Mel, you are a superb lover. Please, please, let’s do that again’. Mel says ‘Tina, you are a great lover too and I’d love to do it again. But please understand I am not as young as I used to be, and I need some rest between sex sessions. While I am asleep I want you to hold onto my penis with both hands’. Tina again thinks this is odd, but she does it anyway.

Once again I check the small audience of silver headed boffins. I think its going well, and I am on a roll now anyway.

After a while Mel awakens and they get back into it. This time the lovemaking is so intense and fiercely intimate that they are bruised at the end of it, strained and drained. They collapse in each others’ arms. Tina, trembling, mumbles ‘Oh Mel, that was the best sex I have ever had. Please, please... just once more’. Mel says ‘Ok Tina. I really enjoyed that too. I am keen for another session. But you know the drill... I need some rest, and while I am recuperating you have to hold my penis with both hands’.

Tina is really perplexed with this strange request so she says ‘Mel, you are without doubt the world’s best lover, and I understand you are getting a bit older and you need some rest between sex sessions, but I really don’t understand why I need to hold your penis with both hands while you are asleep. What is that all about?’

And Mel says ‘Well Tina, the last black bitch I fucked stole my wallet’



Tumbleweed.


I remember a voice in the grey audience saying, deadpan, ‘That’s not funny’

‘Sorry’ I said.

And went and had the pee I had set out to have.

Fucksocks.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Fri 12 Sep 2008, 12:14, 6 replies)

Socially Awkward Situation Rock!
I was at a gig recently with a couple of mates and we got chatting to this couple and as we were chatting we started telling jokes, as you do.

Anyways, the wife starts to say 'I love bad taste jokes, they're the best'

So we start to tell a few jokes (I nick some from Sikipedia) and then they decide to tell the worst joke ever (cant; remember it now but the gist was a bit racist).

They then ask us for one in return, my mate, not to be outdone tells this pearl:

A young lad runs into his dad's room and shouts 'Dad! Dad! It's my birthday! Guess how old I am?'
'You're 7' his dad grunts back
Then the young lad runs into his granddad's room and says:
'Grandad! Granddad! Guess how old I am?'
'Come here' says Granddad and puts his hand in the boys pants, has a bit of a fumble and says 'you're 7'

'Wow' says the lad 'How did you know that?'

'I just heard you tell you dad in the other room...'

At which point the husband was pissing himself and the wife had a face like thunder and dragged him off...

We didn't speak to them again

Well, she did ask!
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Fri 12 Sep 2008, 12:27, closed)

Hate to be pedantic
But I think you're missing a certain consonant, often found between K and M...


(and it's one of my favourite jokes BTW)
(osok Rebel without a clue, Fri 12 Sep 2008, 12:31, closed)

Good joke!
I prefer the Sean Connery & Lulu version though, hehe
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 12 Sep 2008, 12:34, closed)

*click*
I did an out loud laugh.
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Fri 12 Sep 2008, 12:34, closed)

*laughs and clicks*
I've been there. Oh god have I been there. The last time I *went* there was telling my friend's boss, a highly respected, gay, equal rights laywer that I would stand more chance of being employed if

"I was a one legged black lesbian..."

It's not how it sounded in my head and his polite response of "that's not appropriate" was far more crushing than him giving me a ahouty telling off.
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Fri 12 Sep 2008, 14:08, closed)

*clicks*
emphatically.
( Moey, Fri 12 Sep 2008, 14:20, closed)