I sat here last night
and wrote out my answer to this qotw. It took about twenty minutes to get it all down, the story of the incredibly foolish, completely unexpected evening I had a few weeks ago with someone who I should know to stay away from by now. When I re-read what I had written I realised it was the best answer I've written so far.

I felt a little pang of sorrow as I highlighted it and hit delete. It had to go. It's not really a tale which should be written anywhere where prying eyes could see it, which is why I probably shouldn't have written about it in my bebo blog while utterly pissed either.

I think I managed to edit out the juicy bits before anyone saw it. I think.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 20:34, 2 replies)

Implied an old teacher was a bit of a letch...
I was in my old secondary school's group on Facebook. Someone had started a thread about old teachers and when someone mentioned my old head of year and how he used to bounce up and down on the sides of his feet and all his assemblies were about death, that landslide in Wales or Anne Frank. I casually asked if the rumour that he asked a pupil (all-girls' school, by the way) to go on holiday with him.

Months go by and I get a letter (delivered to my parents' old address and redirected) FROM MY OLD HEADMISTRESS telling me off! The fact I was now 24 and no longer at the school didn't seem to make a difference to her. So I send her an email saying it wasn't me who wrote it and was, in fact, someone else using my account. Yeah, I bet she really fell for that one. I can be a bit of a bellend sometimes.

Disclaimer: My old head of year was probably not into teenage girls. With the possible exception of Anne Frank. The thought of what he did whilst reading her diary doesn't bear thinking about...
(claireyfairy There's a smell in here that will outlast religion, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 20:22, 4 replies)

Don't relent
and accept your parent as a friend on Facebook.

As they may well outsource their account to a grandparent and magnify the intrusion tenfold.
(Waspard has your wank bank account details, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 19:26, 2 replies)

Maladicta's Rules of Good Social Networking #33, #34, #35, #36, #37 and #38 (contains much sweary)
There is one girl on my list on Facebook who gets right on my tits for a variety of reasons (and if you've met me, you know that's a lot of norks whose space she can invade). She was the same when I lived with her. We shall refer to her as Stupid Neapolitan Bint, because she is, and she's a chief example of everything I loathe about social networking:


# 33 Don't slag people off where they can see it.

If you absolutely have to say something rude about someone, either PM someone who understands or say it to their face. Do not, as SNB does, put it on a public forum. In this case, SNB had come home from the union, where she had unfortunately drowned her phone in a glass of rum and coke and was whining pitifully and drunkenly about all the important calls and texts she would be missing (at 3am). Mr Maladicta and I had just got in from a party and he was spending a rare night at my old student house. SNB comes bounding out of her room, sticky phone in hand and the dude she was currently boinking following closely behind.

"Maladictamyphonefellinmydrinkandnowitdoesn'tworkfixitfixit!!!"
"Well, no shit it doesn't work, it's all gummed up with alcohol and sugar. You need to rinse it out with fresh water. My dad dropped his phone in a rockpool once and all you need to do is rinse it."
*takes the battery and SIM out and runs SNB's phone under the tap*
"OHMYGODNOWHATAREYOUDOING?!?!"
"Trust me, just leave it somewhere warm and it'll be fine in the morning."
"OHMYGODYOUHAVEWELLBROKENMYPHONEYOUCANFUCKINGWELLBUYMEANEWONE!"
"SNB, you're drunk and I'm going to bed. Goodnight."

Sure enough, the next day SNB's phone switches on fine and is okay bar the fact she's lost all her texts and all her numbers. So she sets up the token "Lost your numbers" group on Facebook and invites all 500-odd of her friends to it. I join and immediately regret doing so when I see the wall for the group. In among all the "07....... xx" posts, someone asks how it happened.

"Well I dropped it in rum and coke in the Venue and then Maladicta Lastname dropped it in cold water and it lost all my numbers lol!!11"

One of my biggest regrets is that I didn't go straight over to her room when I saw that and cunt her very hard in the fuck with her own laptop. I should also have done the same a few weeks later when she decided it would be funny to post something slightly more spiteful about me on a different forum along the lines of "Maladicta will do anything [sexually] if you tell her she's beautiful" - her take on what I'd actually said about not being able to sleep with anyone unless I love them - a concept she couldn't quite grasp, being a stupid whore and all.


#34 Don't tell people how to use Facebook.

I've just got home from work where I've been spending most of the day learning how to code in our database software, and settled down with my laptop and a cup of tea to catch up with b3ta and Facebook and all my usual favourite sites that I'm not allowed to use at work. On logging in this evening, I have nearly spat peppermint tea at my screen and not for a good reason. No. It was, having seen just what "SNB wrote on your Wall", to yell "CHRIST ON A CUNTING BIKE DO I TELL YOU HOW TO USE FACEBOOK YOU NOSEY TART?" which may dent my restrained image somewhat but it was loud enough for Mr Maladicta to hear over Civilization 3 and Static-X.

SNB finds the fact that the number of photos of me on Facebook is under 1000 ridiculous (it's in fact around about the 50 mark and I think that's far too many as I look like a hideous troll in most of them - bad angles, grinning like a mong, you get the idea) and thinks it's pointless that I put up photos of things as well as people every time I post photos, no matter what they are, enjoys writing on my wall berating me for not having more of me and other people (she did the same when I posted a whole album of photos of London). In this instance, it was a small album of photos from a work trip to Paris last Friday as part of training and a getting-to-know-people thing. Most of the photos are of random Paris landmarks and contain the odd person, usually from a random angle because they got in my way. I'm a landscape photographer and besides, everyone was doing the same thing. Also, how the fuck can I tag people when they're not on Facebook? No point.

Anyway, I've taken to ignoring her wall posts because they're usually just the same drivel "Why put an album up when there are there no photos of you? Ur sooooo random!" and "This can't be the only photo of you you like!" and so forth, and I can't think of a decent way to answer them without losing my temper. Today I was also less than pleased to see she wants to know how much I earn.*

1. None of your business.
2. None of the business of any of your 600 friends, so if you think I'm going to write it on your wall you're even more pants on head retarded than I thought.

* Enough to pay the rent, bills and live comfortably. Sure, I can't buy a new pair of Manolo Blahniks every month, but who can on an entry-level salary?


#35 Don't post stupid, attention-seeking status updates.

Again with SNB. The whole time I lived with her, the borderline anorexic skinny bitch was whining about her "muffin top" - a whole half-inch of fat that rested gently above the top of her jeans. Being of a slightly curvier persuasion that I'd like (hence why I'll happily walk 45 minutes to get to work as often as I can and find Mr Maladicta's capacity to live on tinned spaghetti, takeaway pizza and Crispy Pancakes without gaining a pound utterly obscene), this galls me beyond belief.

SNB also has that pointless Compare People application installed, and the jewel in her comparison crown is that someone who wants to fuck her must have voted her "#2 person with the best body". Anyway, one day I log on to find a variety of status updates waiting for me, including "[SNB] has developed a boob complex. Maybe I should get fat so my boobs will get bigger but then I will lose my title of #2 person with the best body."

I didn't know whether to be sad or disgusted that she thought that was more important than the fact she'd be eating herself into an early grave. I was definitely disgusted when I saw just how many people had taken the time to write "OMG NO U LOOK AMAZIN AS U R!!!!11" both as a comment to her status update and on her wall. Clearly, fishing for compliments with the worst kind of bait.


And a partly-related one:
#36 Don't add people you've spoken to once unless you have their express permission to do so, for example, saying "Is it OK if I add you on Facebook?".

SNB and her equally alcoholic friends used to host Ring of Fire and Works Nights most Monday evenings (and, more often than not, they would coincide with an essay or other stupidly hard assignment I had due in - whether I'd invented it to get out of being groped by chavs in the Works or genuinely did have 600 words of Italian to translate by the morning because they wouldn't take "nah, don't fancy it" for an answer). Anyway, one night they happened to be doing this as I was cooking dinner. I said "hi" and made brief small talk with one girl and another, and the next day had six Facebook adds. Out of that, I'd spoken to two and been introduced to three of them. However, I'm too polite to say no and figure I can either limited-profile them or just ignore them. They usually ignore me and only have me for completism's sake.


#37 Don't add complete strangers, then be surprised when they reject you. And certainly don't be surprised when they reject you again ten seconds later.

Ronseal really. Leave me alone, creepy looking Egyptian men.


#38 - Messaging people from the next room is the height of laziness. Don't do it.

This refers to another of my former housemates who we will refer to as G. G lived in the room next door to me and didn't like it that since I spent a lot of the time out either at lectures or sleeping over at Mr Maladicta's (I should have claimed back from uni for the nights I didn't sleep there), and otherwise didn't really spend much time at home. For this reason, I only had to so much as cough and a message would plop into my inbox, usually reading "Are you home? ;)" or "Don't tell me you're actually home! Blah blah blah house dinner, you better be there!". The girl had all of ten feet to walk to come and knock on my door, and if I answered, congratulations, I would have been home, if not, I was either out or asleep. The laziness of it just irritated me so I used to ignore her.

The only reason I don't delete my account is because I met most of my Facebook friends either on my year abroad or through friends or through work and I don't want to let a couple of irritating people spoil what could be a decent system if it had better quality control...
( Maladicta, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 18:02, 23 replies)

More rules for women and men on how not to write profiles
1) Don't get upset at being treated as a pair of tits/a cock on legs if all your profile shows is a picture. No, people can't see your wonderful personality just by looking at you, all they can see is your face and your tits/bulge/whatever
1a) This also means no whinging about responses having to be 'original' if you have no interests listed

2) Going out with your friends and to the cinema do not count as interests, unless you're much more specific and enthusiastic about being into 30s pre war B&W films, for instance

3) You don't actually want walks on the beach - if you want sex say so, instead of asking for 'cosy nights in with a DVD'.FFS..
3a) Men want sex. Women want sex. It doesn't need stating, even suggestively, that you both want it.
3b) Also realise that if it sounds like sex will be months away or dependent on marriage, most people will give you a wide berth.

4) Guys : cock pictures - just don't. Women - don't overdo the tit shots.

5) Ladies : grow a fucking spine and make decisions, instead of getting a bloke to suggest something and then disagreeing.

6) 'knows how to treat a lady' = I am money grabbing. Welcome to equality and 50/50 bill paying.

7) If you wear a wedding dress/suit or are with children that aren't your own, people will draw the obvious (usually true) conclusion..

8) If you're in a picture with multiple people, you will automatically be the ugliest person.

9) I'm sure some men will stop being shallow about women's weight and tits, as soon as some women stop asking to be fucked by a broad shouldered over 6 foot bloke with a big cock. In the meantime, that's why people like body shots.
9a) It would also help if women didn't put down each other's weight/chest size, and men didn't put down small blokes.
10) Relationships are the same. It doesn't matter whether you're a man, woman or anything in between. Gay, straight, bi or asexual. The same mistakes and arguments happen everywhere.
10a) all your mistakes happen because 1) you don't listen and 2) you don't want to accept and adjust to what you're being told..

and remember - real life is just as weird as online, but it's far quicker to sift through people online.. Bitter? Not too much, but please send me someone nice and available with a brain.
(EssY, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 17:13, 12 replies)

Facebook can't buy you class
I had a housemate last year who was a cunt of such intensity even a gangbanged prostitute's minge looked like a page from the Bible in comparison. This was a man with a head so far up his arse he'd not only be smug about it, but boast about just how spacious it was. For the sake of example, let's call him Gav (firstly, because it's his name, and secondly because I wouldn't mind exposing him further on the internet)

Gav was your standard chavvy facebook/myspace addict who met 'his soulmate' on one fateful night and within two weeks was talking about weddings and proceeding to get matching tattoos on their backs. The lady in question fulfilled the typical criteria of fake blonde hair, fake tan, fake personality and an absolute daddy's girl who has had everything given to her since before conception. God had scraped the barrel of culture and human decency for the pair of them and topped it up with arrogance.

The only thing Gav loved more than his missus was football. He was captain of my university's 3rd reserve football team (just to give you an idea in retrospect of his skill), and tried to flaunt the Y chromosome whenever possible. The team suffered 20 straight embarrassing defeats because "they hadn't passed the ball to him enough", and he was pretty much mutinied out of his role and left to boast about himself.

Alas, I digress. Gav and his missus had been together less than a month and were already talking about their big day. Being the technological sort, most of Gav's family was on facebook, where he went to write on their walls about how lovebitten and romantic he was and just how perfect and lovely the lady in question could be. Memories of how they wooed were brought up and everyone felt just a bit smug about it all. FoxyBadger hates smug more than most things, and was not standing for it.

I placed a little reality checker post on his profile with the full intention of his family to read it, roughly as follows:

"Dude, I can't believe what you two got up to in the middle of Oceana! Pulling is one thing, but she actually let you finger her in the middle of the dance floor in front of fuck knows how many people? That's one weird fetish mate. Rumour has it you didn't know her name until the night after. Did you tell her you pulled Emma that night and she was okay with it? (Her best mate at uni. Name made up due to the fact I can't remember the bimbo's real name). Anyway, talk to you later mate"

That went down like the Hindinberg. Threats were made. Pants were pissed. High fives among other associates were exchanged. I topped it all off by keylogging his computer one day, taking his facebook profile's password and changing his profile picture to one of him wearing solely his girlfriend's thong before spamming his close friends, football colleagues and family with messages asking if the lingerie was too tight for his package. He was laughed out of the foootball team's social circle so fast it would make your eyes bleed and his sister sent the pic to all his mates back home.

Hell, I hated that guy. I have my reasons which I won't go into I have now been forced by the internet to adhere to. Gav was well known for never paying his way for a damn thing. Our gas and electricity was on a pay as you go meter, and in the entirity of the year he'd placed about £50 on it and left the rest for us to top up to. That came to a good £200 or so each. Furthermore, after locking himself out the house one night on a night out he proceeded to smash the front door in, bust my door open and inform me that if I ever locked the door again he'd do nothing short of kill me before fobbing the bill from the landlord onto me. He'd bang on my window at 4am when I'd have an exam in 5 hours just to remind me that I was going to fail. Anyway, his missus has dropped out of uni now to study fashion instead of law (lol) and he's unemployed. Match point Foxy.
(FoxyBadger (try saying it backwards), Mon 15 Sep 2008, 16:44, 15 replies)

Just realised
that I can now vote for my own posts!?
( rofl harris, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 15:25, 5 replies)

grooming
I use social networks for grooming. That's to say, I look at the photos to see what young people look like. If they've got particularly nice ribbons in their hair, or a nice fringe or whatever, I ask them about such things. "Where do you get your ribbons...have you got any body hair etc." Sometimes we get chatting about other things as well, like puberty or Bratz or Warhammer.

The police took away my computer last week and they've given me a transponder to wear round my ankle. Poltical corrctness gone mad, I tell you! Can't a 36-year-old man share haircare tips with young people these days without having to sign the Sex Offenders Register?

What's next? A term of imprisonment for my history website 'Teen Bestiality' (a focus on animal husbandry 1813-1819)? Or an expose in the tabloids about my Facebook community 'Do you want some sweeties, little girl?' (an insiders view of Swizzles Matlow advertising from 1967-1987)?

It was bad enough when I was beaten up for advertising sessions at the local youth club on 'Pre-School Porking' - a study group on rudimentary butchery techniques.
(frankspencer, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 15:19, 4 replies)

mate got dumbed accidentaly on facebook
my mate john (real name or not? like you care!) was on a 2 week break from his missus so she could decide if their relationship was worth another shot.

to cheer himself up he asked if I wanted to get out of London for a long weekend and go into the country.

we get to the hotel and asked for wifi as he had his laptop and he went onto facebook to check if the wifi was working before we unpacked and hit the town.

the first thing he saw on his 'feed' was that his 'girlfriend' had changed her status to single.

that made for an awkward weekend

dozy cow
(Starzy had a headache on, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 15:10, Reply)

...and relax.
My buddy is throwing a big party to celebrate his birthday, but he's terrified of two things going wrong:

The first is that someone posts an invite on the web, causing a thousand pricks to turn up and fuck his house.

By contrast, his second worry is that no one's going to turn up at all; on the 23rd Sept, from 9pm, at 25, Cromwell Street, etc...
(27B/6, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 13:51, 1 reply)

ladies!
Nothing wrong with saying "I only want to meet tall men" (or "well-muscled", "black", etc)

Nothing wrong with saying "why are all men on this site so shallow?"

It's the combination that says 'horrible, horrible relationship ahead.'

(note: men might do this as well, I don't know).
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 13:50, 6 replies)

Warmfuzzy's post reminds me...
Profile rules for women

Girls give us guys a hard time for our profiles, but the fact is that with false nails, eyelashes, push-up bras, hold-in pants, high heels and hair extensions, the odds are that whatever the girl looks like in the photo, most of it is either kept in a jar, or in a wardrobe, so there are a few rules we tend to keep in mind when checking out the ladies. If you don't wish to fall into these categories, be honest and show us the *real* you.

1) The old photo trick. Yes, you might have looked amazing when you were on that holiday to Ibiza, but that was before the kids/chardonnay and chocolate binges after your ex left/you got hit by the ugly stick. We might try to hide the receding hairlines, or suck in the tummy a bit, but when you expect Elle McPherson and what appears to be Ermintrude the cow hoves into view, the odds are you aren't getting lucky. If that is the case, don't then tuck into a bucket of KFC whilst your girlfriends point out that it must be the guy's fault - see above.

2) "I'm crazy, me!" No, no you're not - anyone claiming to be wacky, crazy, mad for a laugh, etc, is generally thick as pigshit and works in Gregg the Bakers, or some other deadend, brain-numbing job. You're looking to get laid, not win Britain's Got Talent, ffs.

3) We all know that girls can be...emotional, shall we say? Especially around the time they are scarfing maltesers by the lorryload and keeping Always in business, but please don't put "moody", "unpredictable", "emotional" or similar as one of your attributes. At best we think of you as the girl who ends up crying voer her shoes with mascara running down her face at the end of the evening. At worst, you are Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction.

3) Look, let's be frank, you're on a dating site to look for a guy. Maybe he'll be the one you marry, maybe it'll be a one-night thing, but for God's sake, don't start out thinking that you'll only ever message/MSN/meet a guy who agrees to marriage as soon as you email him. If he does, believe me, you don't want him and if he doesn't, it's because he thinks you're a crazy stalker. Be normal, I don't care if your Ex jilted you at the alter, the next guy along has nothing to do with that and you're going to terrify him.

4) Don't listen to your girly mates about what to write - if you want a man, ask a male friend for advice. If you want a pack of shrieking drunken harpies, continue to follow the advice of the bitter group of lambrini drinkers that are sat in your flat on a friday evening, as opposed to enjoying their stunningly succefful relationship with Brad Pitt.

5) You might look great for your age. You could, in fact, be Princess Leia, but the fact is that if you put 25 on your profile and you can remember the 80s before they were "retro", then you are in danger of veering into "mutton dressed as lamb" territory. Be honest - most guys are tired of trying to appease self-centred, neurotic chavettes in order to find a partner, so you'll probably have the pick of the field if you don't look like a pitbull.

6) Realise the fact you are on a dating site means that you are saying "I am single, I am lonely and I am up for a bit of rumpy-pumpy" - Guys are there to get laid and *maybe* find a long term girlfriend, if you go on their looking for a husband and refuse everything other than a proposal, you're going to be disappointed and get a reputation as either a) frigid, or b) a tease. Neither makes you popular and the responses you'll get will not help your self-esteem. If you approach things correctly, you may well find your true love, but if the worst case scenario is a few enjoyable flings, does it really matter if you don't? Closing your mind to anything apart from your ultimate end goal is not going to get you anywhere and you'll become bitter and shrewish to any man who does then approach you - potentially rejecting the one guy who really would be perfect for you.

7) Don't be pious. You might not drink, smoke, eat meat, drive a car, or have a carbon footprint, but we're not all like you. A lot of us like to enjoy life and, as we're considerate, would not smoke if it offended you. However, if you agree to meet a smoker who drinks at a pub, don't be surprised if he orders a pint and nips out for a fag. Don't believe you can "change" us for the better - we're happy how we are, so if you don't like what you see, ask if there is any flexibility or just get over it and accept the fact that a pint on a friday evening does not equate to wife-beating alcoholism.

I think that's about it. By the way, I met my wife over t'interweb, so I do know of which I speak - we were just honest and open with each other.

Don't take offence - this is all meant light-heartedly, but I do think that sometimes you girls get totally the wrogn idea about what some of these sites are about.... :-)
(Chad, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 13:09, 30 replies)

I actually have one..
Well not me..

I have just been scouring the facebook like the loser I am looking at pictures from saturday night. A male friend of mine has been tagged in a very conpromising position with a woman licking her nipple. Shame his girlfriend has seen it as well!

Some time ago I also saw a picture of the ex fella (taken when we were together) of him mud-wrestling with girls wearing a dress.

Good job I got out when I did!
(i should have joined myspace, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 12:47, Reply)

Status update
I once changed my status update on facebook to read, "bugger it kev is really pissed off with his bitch of a wife and hope she dies in a pool of her own vomit. I think you're a complete cunt and I want nothing more to do with your worthless fat arse. And yes, it is a fat arse. Fucking fat!! So stop fucking asking me!! It wobbles when you walk and it repulses me when I see it getting out the shower. It won't be long before your arse needs its own fucking postcode. Now fuck off and die!!"

Imagine my surprise when I typed this in and facebook said I had exceeded the maximum number of characters allowed. So I changed my status to, "bugger it kev is unhappy".
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 12:26, Reply)

I just recently started college
and one of the subjects on my course is "social software" which means at somepoint i will have to study a social networking site and probably have to make a profile.

needless to say this qotw is putting me off a little bit :p

my experience with social networking is limited, there's my friends reunited story below and there was a time when i briefly had a myspace profile that i got bored of and deleted after 2 weeks or so.

still i can always badger the lecturer to let me use steam, but if not i have to ask a favour of b3ta. would anyone object to me quoting their story in an anti myspace/facebook/watever report for college?
(panda_sam, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 12:20, 12 replies)

My friend left his laptop unattended...
..on Friday night whilst he was on the phone to his missus. He was logged onto Facebook so I used the search function to find 'amusing' names and added them as his friends. The best thing about this is that he works away all week and can't access Facebook at work, he just gets emails confirming people he has never heard of have accepted his friend request.

So far, his mini-feed states that R.Lawford is friends with:

Twatface McGinty
Flappy Flaps
Militant Minge
Crimmy Niel (looked a bit physco)
Scrotum Phillips
Yummy Mummy

and a load of others.


(He's just text me the following; "Twatface McGinty! Hahahahahaha")
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 12:13, Reply)

Common gaffes of the male of the species
As I have previously mentioned, I have been spending some time (too much time) on dating sites recently to get over my broken heart. It isn't working.

But what it has been doing is providing me with amusement. One afternoon of laughing at profiles motivated me into writing this list. I have screenshot evidence of some of the worst.

RULES FOR PROFILE PHOTOS ON DATING SITES:

How is using your wedding photo in any way a good idea?!

Following the same logic, pictures of you with your ex (or current? after all, how do we know?) girlfriend confuse us. Are you still clinging on to a past relationship? Are you still in fact with her and planning to cheat? We pity her. Or is she in fact your sister? We don't know!

Put your tongue away. Nobody wants to see it.

Or up your hairy nose.

And put that away too. It may be big, it's almost certainly funny, but it's not clever.

Do not show a pic where you are surrounded by scantily clad young girls. You may think it makes you look desirable. It doesn't... it makes you look egotistical and shallow, and any woman looking at it will automatically feel insecure about her cellulite.

It's all very well showing us your body, but no matter how nice it is we want to see your face too. And if it's too nice we will assume that you will spend more time looking at your own body than you will looking at ours.

If you are a skinny teenager, please don't show us your body.

Also, we know all your tricks, like standing with your hands in your armpits pushing out your biceps, or puffing out your chest (which actually makes you look a bit constipated). And blatant flexing makes us think "poser"...

Posing pouches... eww :(

Pictures taken of yourself naked in the bathroom mirror are a big turn off. We don't want to see where you poo... or worse.

If your photo shows more than one person, how do we know which one is you? And we might find one of the subjects very attractive... but it will probably turn out to be your best mate, and then you'll be sorry.

You may love your kids very much, and we may find them cute, but it's slightly unfair to use them in this way, don't you think?

Your dog might be your best friend but a picture of you up close and personal with him puts us off the idea of getting physical with you.

If we want to see what you look like while you're sleeping we'll do it in person. And wake up next to you.

Out of focus, dark, grainy mobile phone pictures show a lack of effort on your part.

Put them the right way up! It's not rocket science!

I probably shouldn't speak for the rest of womankind, but if in your photo your face is obscured by your camera or phone as you photograph yourself in the mirror, it just makes me laugh.

Gurning makes you look like a simpleton.

Don't stand in front of a window. You look like you're being electrocuted.

Objects behind you such as chandeliers or large plants will give you the appearance of having antennae.

Take off your shades.We want to look into your eyes...

You may have a "bright" or even "loud" personality, but if you are wearing a shirt to match we will not notice anything else.

If you are holding a can of lager, we will assume you are a lout.

Especially if you are shiny and obviously drunk. We will envisage embarrassing scenes of irresponsible behaviour and having to clean up your sick.

If you are with a group of friends all holding cans of lager and obviously drunk we will click "next" without a pause, as it contravenes at least three rules. And yet it's surprising how many of you do this...

Do not post pictures of yourself giving the photographer the finger.

Pictures of random objects such as flowers, sunsets or fast motorbikes may be nice, but we want to see you, not what you like looking at. What are you hiding?

If you are standing next to a famous person, you are not basking in their reflected glory... you are obscured by it.

If you do show your face - don't scowl, smile! It doesn't hurt. You may think you look mean and moody, but actually you look depressed, surly and/or arrogant.

Overly arty shots don't make you look creative, they make you look pretentious.

Make an effort... If you care about your appearance, so will we. You might not notice the curry stains on your T shirt, but we will.

On that note, caught mid-gobble while stuffing your face is unattractive.

We all know the tricks of portraiture... so if your photo is shot from an unusually strange angle or with extreme lighting we will know that you are trying to show us your best side - and more to the point, hide your worst side. It will be conspicuous by its absense.

On the other hand, there is such a thing as too much information. A close up of your sweaty hairy moobs is too much for a first impression. And you might be proud of them, but we would like to discover your tattoos ourselves.

Don't lie! Grabbing an image of a hot young stud and passing it off as yourself will only lead to disappointment all round. And don't lie about your age, or your height. No good will come of it.

Don't even get me started on what you guys write in your blurbs...

(I confess I may be a tad picky... I dismiss every profile with comments such as "too short", "bad hair", "eyes too close together", etc, when really for all of them it's "HE'S NOT MY EX"... Sad I know but I can't help it. I am trying to get over him...)

(Also, before anyone accuses me of bias, I have seen the wimmins profiles too, and we are just as bad so the same list of rules applies. Well, tweaked a bit. I haven't had any wimmin flashing their cocks at me).

(Yet).
( warmfuzzies Isn't here, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 12:10, 16 replies)

...
I keep reading the topic as "Social Networking Giraffes".

Hmmm.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 11:51, 13 replies)

Facebook Groups
My old school has a facebook group dedicated to it.
The grammar and spelling are appalling, I wanted to add a comment correcting the mistakes.
Good to see the fees weren't completely wasted.
( Weejock, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 11:11, 3 replies)

Sod it....
I deleted my MySpace account because I had an 'old friend' on it....just in case the wife found out.

When I was just about to delete it I realised that Andy Bell (yes, THE Andy Bell of Erasure!) had approved my request to be his friend!!! The man is a GOD in my eyes!

Oh well I dont suppose he's a B3tan?
(Lip Up Fatty Fatty Reggae still loves BBQ food on, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 11:07, 4 replies)

oh dear
Last weekend I got blackballed from the local hunting lodge after I wandered up to the bar and ordered drinks in front of everyone.

I was still wearing my hat.

The disgrace was terrible, slunk out of there with tail between legs never to return again
(Halfy By light alone, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 10:38, 6 replies)

Oops.
I accidentally posted this under someone else's name at work..

It means there's another b3tard sneaking around here...

Anways, again, i'm going slightly off topic, as the question's shite.

I made a social gaffe at my dad's birthday in a posh hotel.

After a rather lovely meal and free wine (lots and lots of free wine), we were in the bar, continuing to get drunk as lords.

When the time came to get out of the establishment, I came upon a cunning plan to get a few more last drinks out of the bar staff. I'd make them laugh, with some affectionate wit and charm, and i'd weasel a drink for the road out of them.

With James Bond style and devilishly good timing I came out with the witty opener:

'SLAGS!!!'........Ooh-er.that came out a bit wrong.

It didn't go down well with the bar staff at all.

Or my Uncles and Aunts.

Or my parents.

My parents especially, as they were now joined by the 15 or so other patrons watching in stunned silence.

With this I left the £20 I intended to pay for my drinks with as a means of compensation for the trauma, and swiftly left mumbling something about a 'happy birthday' to my dad.

I'm an idiot. Wine is bad.
(Scrumpy does not negotiate with terrorists,, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 9:34, 3 replies)

Teenage emo angst
Someone I know, who happened to be on my facebook, changed her status to 'fucking hates everyone'.

I don't talk to people who hate me, and now ignore her every time I see her. As do several others that I know.

Fucking emo twat.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 9:16, Reply)

Who needs social networking sites to make a gaff?
Take my mate Dave (name possibly changed) for example. He has joined both facebook and bebo but hasn't figured out they're mainly used to meet people of the opposite sex. Consequently he thinks they are for losers.
Anyway in the last month alone he has made numerous gaffes.

1. He went out a couple of times with his younger sister's friend. No problems really, they're both single and the sister was supportive. There is around 5 years difference betweeen them. One thing led to another after a few drinks and he ended up having it off with her. (no idea why I used "Bottom" language there)
Anyway it's mid sex doggy style and he is enjoying it, enough to say "I've wanted to do this to you since you were 14!"
Funnily enough that didn''t float her boat and she turned around to say "WHAT?!"
Romance wasn't in the air for much longer.

2. He was telling his friend about the girl above and excitedly told him, in earshot of his friends mother that "Yeah the sex was excellent honestly, at one point she had both my balls in her mouth."
I should he is loud at the best of times but he's painfully loud when excited. (so I hear)

3. This was a few years ago but still a gigantic social gaffe in my book. Dave and his friend used to be friendly with two girls. One of whom they thought to be very attractive but had a slightly large nose. Let's call her Tracy. Tracy was speaking to Dave and he was listening thoughtfully. I can only imagine though that he was having a imaginary conversation to his mate Scott as he said "Yeah you're right Scott she definitely DOES have a big nose".
There was no way back after that, sheer stupidity.
(muzzvsworld, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 2:07, 6 replies)

Social networking sites – the cause, and solution to all friendship problems
I am on Myspace, and Facebook. They have been an equal blessing, and a curse in my experience. Lets centre on two examples of curses:

Facebook:
I added one of my two sisters to my Facebook account, after she found me from my eldest nieces friend list. Not even sure why I added her, as she is only 10 minutes walk away from where I live.

The next thing I hear from my folks, is that they had had a close look of my Facebook account from a laptop in Wales, in the middle of a camp site using a wireless dongle on one of the mobile phone networks. And they took particular umbrage to my religion, which I had set as “Borderline LaVeyan Satanist”.

When I see them next accusations of sacrificing animals and “dabbling with dangerous forces that are unknown” come flying from them. If my sister actually had looked on Wikipedia about LaVeyan Satanism, her and my folks will actually discover that it’s one of the only few religions that comes close to being anything that resembles common sense.

I believe my sister only added me because she wanted to scrutinise her “weirdo black sheep goth baby brother”. I am contemplating deletion, but no doubt my folks would be burning my fucking ear “by proxy” on her behalf it I do.

Myspace:
Myspace has been great for me, and I have met quite a few of these people in real life. But, this said, it has also caused the catastrophic implosion of a 12 year friendship with someone I considered was one of my best friends. He has become “very pally” with this crew of people that I originally met in the first place, and now this person has valued them far more than me. The trouble is, he has turned into an arse hat of the highest order and has become drunk with his own power from worshipping these “Tin Gods”, calling me all the bastards under the sun and brain washing them as a result.

By “Tin Gods”, I mean fakers that are only exploiting him (staying at his house every other weekend, which co-incidentally is every other week. Giro Day to be precise, as they’re unemployed to name one), and sharing the “common denominator” of losing parents & grandparents over the past couple of years. A vague, and tenuous link if ever there was one. Talk about grief tourism.

So, sticking with someone for 12 years, through various crises when everyone else has fucked off and left him up shit creek without a paddle irrespective of their misdemeanours doesn’t account for shit. Not forgetting some decent friends gave me printed evidence of him blogging me in a derogatory manner online. Which, I have actually chosen to laminate for future reference, if I ever choose to reconsider and bury the hatchet. Not fucking likely now.

People, they fucking suck.
(Panteneman Isn't entirely sure why he bothered on, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 0:44, 14 replies)

Get Lost Dad
I've been studiously avoiding my shithead father for 15 years now. One day - not too long ago - I was working and had facebook open in the background. Ping! I get a friend request - glance at it - oh its my brother - yeah ok add. Wrong - will teach me not to look closer - I've added my dad!

Three days later and I am bombarded with shitty pictures of his chavvy grand-kids and 'hilarious' chain messages and 'funny' pics. I haven't got the balls to delete him completely - but he's blocked from seeing anything so maybe he'll just give up.

I live in hope
(anniesmom, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 0:00, 2 replies)

facebook hackage
i didn't actually commit the gaffe, but i was the recipient of the fallout....

me and the missus attended a beer fuelled evening. i am four sheets to the wind - beer, vodka, wd40, windolene and so forth.

vomitous occurs and come the morning, i am slightly less than human. so, i call in sick with a stomach bug.

unbeknownst to me - my darling wife logs into my facebook account and announces to the world that 'i still haven't learned the vodka lesson' - a fact that my then boss takes greatl pleasure in repeating word for word to me over the phone about half an hour later.

sheesh.
(localhost, Sun 14 Sep 2008, 23:23, Reply)

As I don't have facespac or mybook
I am going for tedious link, full steam ahead.

I was on a "social networking site" called B3ta and people asked about my signature fearing I had become some floppy fringed, whiny little shitbag. Happily the reality is better as I keep my sensible hair and taste in music.

I was in the garage retrieving the lawnmower when I tripped over a lovely set of Lucas headlights. Falling to the side I put my hand out to stop myself, bracing myself for the impact with the drivers window. Sadly I forgot the window was all the way down and ended up falling through the window into the car, scrapping my arm all the way down my forearm.

At the recent Leam minibash the guys were joking I need to cut my arm on the inside not the outside, thus making me the worst Emo ever as I didn't get the whole self harm thing...

Exhibit A:

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Sun 14 Sep 2008, 22:30, 18 replies)