I haven't got anything to post for this QOTW
So I've decided to answer all the ones I missed instead.

Get Rich Quick.
I'm in £10,000 worth of debt due to bad relationship decisions (giving the ex my credit card ebing one of them), if I knew how to get rich quick I'd blow all the money on a hitman anyway.

Blood
They cut off my cock
My parents are evil, nasty bastards, I was a sweet, quiet, innocent little boy, and one day, for no apparent reason, I was taken to the hospital to have my foreskin removed.

Imagine going to sleep the proud owner of a little boy willy between your legs, it hasn't done anything wrong, sure it might have pee-peed on the seat a few times, but little Sexmonkey pecker was a good man.
Then imagine waking up with a clothes horse holding the bedsheets off your middle area, peeking under the blankets and being greeted by a cross between GIGANTACOCK and Frankenpenis, with stitches poking out at every angle and dry blood and surgical spirit smeared all over it, giving it the jaundiced appearance of a PoW who has become impaled and killed on a barbed wire fence.
Then imagine, for every year after that, and every time you bring a new girl home, your parents pipe up at dinner, 'So, Bert, how's your hideously mutilated cock?'

Thrown Away: The Stuff You've Loved and Lost
Believe it or not, I was a huge football fan when I were a lad. I had Rangers posters on every wall, several shirts, both home and away kits, I had the Subutteo Astro-turf pitch, with about ten teams including Rangers, one of the grandstands and a few hundred little plastic fans, as well as the tiny little referee and linesmen.
None of their games were shown on the terrestrial channels though, so I had to make do with buying Shoot and Match every week out of my hard-earned paper round money.
All in all, I was mental about footie, Mark Hately, Ally McCoist, the whole team, I idolised them all. Until my Mum decided on a whim that we needed a clear out, the posters and everything were gone in a day, and overnight I had completely gone off football.

What really made it worse though, was that I'd occasionally stumble across A Question of Sport when I was channel surfing, and see my once proud childhood hero just being the fat, scottish, occasionally funny one who flirted with Sue Barker.

My Most Gullible Moment
My sister is the world's biggest bitch.

In the middle of the night, many years ago when I was around 12, I woke up because there seemed to be a lot of noise downstairs.
Looking out of my bedrooom window I saw that there was a police car right outside my house. Things weren't looking good.
So, I crept downstairs, worried about what I'd find when I got there. I could hear my Mum and Dad talking to the police officers in my living room, my Mum sounded really upset, devastated even, she was crying really loudly, and normally she only did that when she was drunk.
My evil, twisted little bitch of a sister was sat at the bottom of the stairs, so I asked her what was going on. Totally deadpan, she looked me right in the eye and said, 'It's Paul (my older brother).... he's been involved in a car accident. He's dead.'
Holy. Shit. The world collapsed out of my anus, knives were being twisted in my chest, my head felt hot and fuzzy, and I sat down out of shock.
Then she smiled, 'Pffft! Just kidding! He's fine, he just stole a Mercedes worth £50,000 and crashed it into a wall, the pillock.'

That girl was, and still is, a cunt of the worst possible kind, and she got married yesterday.

Will You Go Out With Me?

Click the link if you haven't already read it.

My First Night with Mrs Sexmonkey

Customers from Hell
I worked at a local council for more than five years, so I've seen my fair share, there was the guy who had to be removed by paramedics because he'd come in and superglued his hands to desk to get his own way, TWICE. I've mentioned before that there was a deaf customer who never really understood the concept of their own disability, or the purpose of the telephone that they were calling me from, which often resulted in me screaming, 'FOR FUCK'S SAKE, YOU'RE DEAF, YOU CANNOT HEAR ME IF YOU USE A NORMAL PHONE.' which made the whole office think that I was an insensitive, impatient git.

But best of all were the whole street, the majority of a small village, who protested vehemently against a local military hospital that wanted to change the use of a nearby house, to accomodate the families of soldiers who had been injured in action, and then sent there to get better; so that they were close enough to visit their poorly relatives without having to cross the entire country just to get there.
Until it hit the local news, then the national news, and then there were threats made, and somebody put the village's dignity up for sale on eBay. Suddenly most of the objection letters were withdrawn after that.

Social Networking Gaffes
I once accidentally said that Chimpanzees were monkeys on B3ta, it was HILARIOUS.

That counts, right?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Sun 14 Sep 2008, 21:21, 14 replies)

Retro clickies!
Lots of them...

Mrs. Sexmonkey is quite lucky. But please please, you've got to tell us about Santa cock.

Please?

Edit: And why oh why would your parents circumsize you? Especially being from Europe...
I thought you people were more sane than we were when it come to mutilating weiners. You were old enough to remember this? How awful-you poor thing.

kiss to make you feel better

second edit: His cheek, not his penis! Get out of the gutter, you guys.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Sun 14 Sep 2008, 22:40, closed)

Santa cock
My old phone had templates for MMS pictures, sot hat one was easy, I just took a picture of my cock and added a Santa costume afterwards.
Google Hitlercock or GIGANTACOCK for similar pictures, or look on page 5 (I think) of Off Topic.

I have no idea why my parents had me circumcised, I think they were just being evil. The reason they gave was that I had a genetic problem with my winkle, but I realised that couldn't be right as they said I'd inherited it from my step-father. I was about 11 when they cut it off, and I think it's best if I don't keep asking questions, I might discover something I'd rather not think about.

Thanks for the kisses! please kiss lower now

EDIT Where did you hear about santacock? I don't mention him in the post above, or the linked one...?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Sun 14 Sep 2008, 22:45, closed)

Hahaha!
Looks like you've got a stalker!
( Cawl, Sun 14 Sep 2008, 23:46, closed)

It's alright
She's american, and married. All the best ones are married.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Sun 14 Sep 2008, 23:51, closed)

A Rangers fan Bert?
Seriously?

I'm disappointed - I expected better from you
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 10:11, closed)

I was one of the biggest Rangers fans ever
It's in my blood, my Granddad is an avid supporter and was a bit of a hooligan in his younger days.

My biological Dad was a Celtic fan, but meeting him would put anyone off them for life.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 10:14, closed)

Disappointed indeed
doubt anyone could put me off the Bhoys though - likewise the Gers in your family, Celtic in mine (well, most of it - my mum's side is Raith Rovers....).
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 14:16, closed)