Pay Per View Porn
Reading some of the back catalogue here has brought back a rather fond memory of mine.

I'd like to say I had a mate called Dave, but that would be a lie. Truth be told, Dave was an insecure fat kid who everyone hated because he never showered.

When Dave's 14th birthday was coming up, he decided he wanted to throw a sleepover beforehand with his mates as a warmup. We kindly reminded him upon invitation that we thought he was a skullfucked tramp and would rather nailgun our penises together than spend time with him. Thus followed the greatest line I've ever heard:

"My mum told me you might say that, and will give us £50 and a weekend subscription to Television X if you come over and be my friends."

And that, my dearest b3tans, is the beginning of 6 months of eating my own extra large Domino's pizza every weekend, widescreen porn around the clock and my savings fund for the newest Playstation games because everybody hated Dave.

He actually turned out to be an okay chap until the drug addiction kicked in and he dropped out of school after hurtling a chair at a girl's face (granted, she was a slag) He's now stoned off his tits for most of the hours God gives him and works in a post office. His parents don't give him money anymore.
(FoxyBadger (try saying it backwards), Thu 9 Oct 2008, 16:02, 10 replies)

what a horrible childhood
that must have been.

where your mum PAID your friends to be your friends.

That truely scares me.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 16:18, closed)

At least
they had money to buy him some friends, better than me having none*

/cries
*might not be true
/relurks
(Mellowchimp, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 16:40, closed)

Telivison X?
As in a porn channel? What kind of weird mother offers to buy their kid porn to entice friends with?
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 16:58, closed)

a mother
who understands boys I'd say.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Thu 9 Oct 2008, 17:29, closed)

Ok...
I can sorta understand a parent turning a blind eye to a couple of dodgy mags or whatever, but actualy supplying their kid with porno? Seems off to me for some reason
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 17:42, closed)

not like she was providing them with the homemade stuff
that would be all kinds of wrong
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 17:50, closed)

The very thought
is enough kinds of wrong.
( Moey, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 18:16, closed)

That very thought
Will require therapy. Or a lobotomy at least
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 18:25, closed)

Gah!
Baaaaad memories resurfacing...

Thanks!
(Obsidian, Fri 10 Oct 2008, 11:23, closed)

"an insecure fat kid who everyone hated"
... but then "He actually turned out to be an okay chap".

Hmm.
(haberman is singing in the changes, Fri 10 Oct 2008, 11:29, closed)