Weaponized Garlic
On stag night out with groom-to-be Steve and my co-conspirator Bob. He was a chemist working on anti-fouling ship paint (keeps barnacles off ships). Names changed, just in case a crime has been committed.

"Look at this" he says, as we are readying ourselves for the night ahead. He produces a rubber glove. There's an odd whiff of garlic in the air. He untwists the glove and reveals a tiny, sealed vial with a few drops of liquid in side. The smell of garlic is much stronger now.

"It's garlic oil...distilled. It's something I'm working on. Those few drops are the equivalent of a bazillion garlic cloves."

"I know, I can smell it from here", says I, for it reeks. "Open it, let's have a whiff, how bad can it be?"

"You have no. fucking. idea." says Bob. "This is like....weaponized garlic. You are going to put it on Steve tonight."

"Why can't you do it?"

"I just....can't. It would be bad", he says. After we re-enact a few scenes from Ghostbusters he has a warning for me. "One more thing: Do NOT get this on your or anyone else's skin".

So, cut to a few hours later, we're nicely beered up, and I see my opportunity. We're between pubs, Steve kneels down to tie a shoelace. I unwrap the glove. Bob starts backing away. I stoop next to Steve as if to do my shoes up. I twist open the vial.

OH SWEET JESUS I CAN SMELL IT IMMEDIATELY. IT'S LIKE I'VE OPENED THE ARK OF THE GARLIC FUCKING COVENANT. I AM BECOME DEATH!

I splash his shoes with it and run like hell.

Steve doesn't seem to notice, and continues into the next pub. Thinking I must have misfired, we follow him in.

The smell was indescribable. You didn't just sense it your nose. You could feel the stinging on your eyeballs. Steve was trying to get the next round in, oblivious. Suddenly, the music stops and a barman shouts

EVERYBODY LISTEN - WE HAVE A GAS LEAK AND WE'D LIKE EVERYONE TO LEAVE IMMEDIATELY

We file out, and Steve realises he is patient zero from the wide berth everyone is giving him. He returns to the B&B, throws his clothes out the window and has the longest shower of his life.

Even though I smelt like Satan's own garlic bread, I stuck it out for the rest of the night, and a good time was had by all. Eventually.

Plus, from that day to this, I've *never* had any barnacle problems.
(LordElph, Fri 31 Jan 2014, 21:21, 2 replies)

I would have never thought you had barnacle problems.
Until I read the last bit.
(Thor McLegend FUCK SHITPANTS PAC MAN, Sat 1 Feb 2014, 1:09, closed)

Test it
Sit with your arse in the sea for days on end and see if you need a dry dock after a month
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Mon 3 Feb 2014, 16:19, closed)