Nylon-clad buttocks
I watched her from a safe distance. I could feel my eyes bulging as they reached into the darkness, trying to get closer, closer to her nylon-clad buttocks and shaven head. Like a little mouse, that head. But bigger, and less fond of cheese. Nevertheless, I whispered to myself, “Mousehead. Mousehead. Cheese-hungry, bewhiskered mousehead.” And with every breathy utterance I could feel a minuscule stirring in my glans, like the first small bubble to appear in a vast pan of amorous soup. My loins were full of soup - metaphorical soup - yet it burned the tongue of my lust and blistered the gums of my self-control.

She turned away from the shop window and I ducked behind the stray St. Bernard that had approached to admire my trousers. I hid behind its meaty hind leg and, brushing aside its heavy scrotum with the back of my hand, I peered again at the willowy Aphrodite that stood some fifty yards ahead. She hadn’t seen me. That was quite clear as she turned the corner at the end of the street. The pursuit was on.

I doffed my hat to the great hound. Our eyes met, we shared a brief but intimate kiss and vowed to remain firm friends. I went on my way, leaving Tony (for that was his name) behind me. As I turned the corner myself, I was surprised to see that my prey had seated herself on a bench at the edge of the park. The moonlight accentuated her pale complexion, her eyes shining like hard sapphires beneath her white, ceramic forehead. The strange angle of the forehead reflected a shaft of the moon’s silver light upon me. With the shaft in my face I was illuminated like a rampant sexual beacon. My game was surely up. She noticed me, but didn’t seem to mind my presence. Indeed, she seemed pleased and was entranced by my trousers. I approached slowly so as not to startle or worry her, and my shuffling motion, left leg in front of right at all times, arms folded with my head moving from side to side, seemed to soothe her further. She thanked me and returned the way she had come.

I sat down for a moment, flustered, trying to recover from my brief panic. My strength was somewhat diminished, but my will remained strong, and so did my erection. When I had regained my breath I stood up, ready to pursue her once more. Suddenly, Tony the St. Bernard sprang from behind a Jersey cow that had been put in the park by the local council to graze. I was delighted to see him again, but this delight turned to horror as I saw him coming straight at me. His head lolled to one side and fell away as his chest opened up. Gary Coleman leapt from Tony’s torso and locked his small brown thighs around my throat.
“What didst thou do to Tony?” I gargled as I fell to the floor.
“There was no Tony, sucker!” he spat. “That was just my stalking suit.”
My head swam for a moment as my brain screamed for oxygen.
“What about our kiss?” I croaked. “Was it no more than a ploy? A mere ruse employed by an ill-grown prankster of a whore?”
“That’s right, beeatch!” he chirruped in response. "I been stalkin' yo sorry ass for five whole months. Remember the swan you nursed back to health? That was me. Remember the girl in the cinema with the pierced nipples? That was me too. You are one gullible white mutha!"
I turned my head as the life drained from my limbs, and saw the Jersey cow rear up onto its hind legs and swagger over. Again, in a moment of dreamlike wonder, this mammal split in two, straight down the middle, and from it stepped Culkin, his hands clasped to his cheeks. Coleman hadn’t noticed, and Culkin advanced confidently before swiping him away with a mighty backhand. I was obviously impressed by his sheer power.
“Pesci taught me that move on the set of Home Alone 2: Lost in New York,” he bleated proudly. “But Stern couldn’t get the hang of it and he sulked through the entire shoot.”
Culkin's untimely boast left him open to assault, and Coleman came at him, naked and enraged like a baby rhino at a cheerleader, dealing him a blow that would have killed an ordinary man. But Culkin took it like the man of bronze he was, and they wrestled on the floor for three hours. I tired of their homoerotic grapplings after a while and, donning the Tony suit, went in pursuit of my quarry.

Coleman and Culkin’s ongoing battle has since been documented, dramatised and adapted somewhat, and can currently be seen in cinemas under the title Alien Vs Predator: Requiem.
(stusut79, Fri 1 Feb 2008, 15:51, 11 replies)

Tears in my eyes...
"Our eyes met, we shared a brief but intimate kiss and vowed to remain firm friends. I went on my way, leaving Tony (for that was his name) behind me."

*sob* that's just... beautiful..!
(irv made you eat your parents in a chilli on, Fri 1 Feb 2008, 16:01, closed)

Seek help....
...soon.

Er..*click*
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 1 Feb 2008, 16:13, closed)

Cheers Stu!
Good to see you back on fine form!
( jim_bob can herd cats., Fri 1 Feb 2008, 16:25, closed)

Gibberish...
Luckily i am fluent in gibberese and enjoyed this immensely...

Big clickity click!
(Nuclear Ninja like a radioactive Chuck Norris..., Fri 1 Feb 2008, 16:34, closed)

welcome back
you depraved and disturbed motherlicker.
*click*
(jennymnemonic, Fri 1 Feb 2008, 17:16, closed)

Whatever you're on
Do they do them in party packs?
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Fri 1 Feb 2008, 17:35, closed)

what. the. fuck?????
whatever your medication, i really don't think the dosage is high enough. you make me seem normal, which in itself deserves a click.
kudos.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 1 Feb 2008, 18:53, closed)

very random!
nicely written though *clicks*
( Firkinfedup last shat on your wife's tits at, Fri 1 Feb 2008, 19:13, closed)

Hee.
This made me think of Ludwig from Blackadder II, and anything that makes me think of Blackadder gets a *click*.
( Maladicta, Sat 2 Feb 2008, 11:51, closed)

You know...
...I may have been there!

Keep it up lad, and one day, all of this could be yours.

Che
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Mon 4 Feb 2008, 12:13, closed)

You fucking idiot.
Welcome back - we need some creativity. Even if it is deranged!
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Mon 4 Feb 2008, 12:25, closed)