Squatter
Well, Squatter, Squatter had a terrible holiday.
He was in Bahrain, which is a pretty bloody place to be. And there was this ant, which had only one leg and only one eye, and it was about two miles away from Squatter. So, a pretty bloody menacing position for Squatter, who was equipped only with, erm, you know, a hydrogen bomb, erm, six grenades, and, erm, a few rifles.

And this bloody ant, one eye, one leg, was advancing towards Squatter at about-, oh, I'd say at about, er, a mile every century, you know. Really speeding up. I think the animal was on drugs. Or heat, yes, as you may say. And Squatter, with his extraordinary calm, took it very smoothly. And do you know what he did?

Nothing.

He immediately did nothing.

And this stupified the ant. Stopped in its tracks. Didn't move an inch for about, um, three and a half years, yes. But still Squatter was very much aware of the problem of the ant, with all of one leg and all of one eye, advancing towards him. So he took up, you know, a strategic position with about five thousand men on one side and seven thousand men on the other side, all equipped with, er, various kinds of guns and so on. The ant was, er, fairly pinpointed. But what was odd was the ant understood Squatter. The ant realised he was up against somebody as good as-, as good as he was. Equals in their struggle, yes. So Squatter, with a tremendous display of courage, put up his hands and surrendered.

And the ant, five years laters, yes, five years laters, crept into the, er, hole, and Squatter was gone.

And this is the extraordinary thing about Squatter: he was never there when he was wanted. And Squatter told me later that, ah, he'd gone because he'd had to go.

That sums up Squatter for me.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 29 Jul 2015, 21:26, 7 replies)

Blow your tits up.

( Jabberwoc misses D.R. and Quinch, Thu 30 Jul 2015, 0:00, closed)

For the lads

( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Thu 30 Jul 2015, 3:13, closed)

b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post2281668
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 30 Jul 2015, 9:39, closed)

no mention of lobsters in the arsehole
2/10
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Thu 30 Jul 2015, 8:41, closed)

Or hamburger stands.
(No fucking hamburgers, just the fucking stands)
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Thu 30 Jul 2015, 11:12, closed)

o hai, Thomas Pynchon!

( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 30 Jul 2015, 8:53, closed)

And then, Trigger made a face.

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 30 Jul 2015, 9:37, closed)