Surprise Peas.
Many year ago, when I first moved out of home and was living in a lovely debauched semi-derelict share house with 4 other like-minded motor bike riding blokes, I was cooking dinner in the squalid room that passed as a "kitchen".

It was a Friday night. I was slowly moving away from the home-based rent-free lifestyle of going out the pubs and clubs and pissing my money up against the wall to the rent-reality lifestyle of staying indoors and gettng trashed in front of a nice warm fire with some mates.

We even had a video player! So, we wern't at the mercy of the 2 telly channels available in Tasmania which switched off at midnight. As I recall, we had rented Arnie's "Commando" video for the billionth time.

So, there we were in the wee hours, Enormous Bruce had smoked his usual friday night ration of dope, I had downed many,many beers as dope used to make me do something called a "white out". Beer was my thing. Enormous Bruce was a chronic pot head.

We were both stumbling around the kitchen, clumsily rustling up some sausages and gravy with mash, crashing into each other, swearing at the stove and generally taking 5 times as long to produce a simple meal. But...we needed green vegetables too, 'cos, as we reasoned at the time, green vegetables ward off all kinds of ills, like lung cancer, and cirrhosis of the liver.

Enormous Bruce gazed into the threadbare larder, brushed aside the mouse poo, reached in and prodcued a packet of something called "Surprise Peas".

Oh cool, peas. I like peas and mash. And gravy with sausages. But what are these things? These were weird peas, like little freeze-dried iguana testicles, not nice juicy fresh peas.

"No, cunt", says Bruce. "Ya gotta boil the buggery out of these little cunts".

"Oh, righto cunt" I says. "Better fucken read the packet hadn't I".

I held the packet in both hands, held it close to my face and read the instructions, gently swaying to the movement of the kitchen, lips silently moving. "Boil in water, cunt" it said.

Yeah ok, sounds easy enough.

So I get a saucepan of water up to the boil, and I'm about to rip open the pack when Enormous Bruce shouts "STOP, CUNT, STOP".

"Whassa matter cunt?" I drool, packet of peas poised over the stove.

"Fuck man, these are Surprise Peas, you gotta do it right".

"Wha? Yeah ok cunt, you do it then"

Enormous Bruces lurches towards me, grabs the packet out of my hands, produces a razer sharp knife from his within his bike boot and surprisingy carefully, considering his state of body and mind, gently slits open the packet across the top.

I lean closer to watch, frowning, slightly puzzled with this delicate operation.

Enormous Bruce slowly turns to look me directly in the eye, his countenance is deapan, calm. He slowly return his gaze to the packet, peers inside, narrows his eyes into a mask of hate and whispers in a low evil voice "surprise, peas", then tips the lot into the boiling water, cackling madly.



I don't think I have ever laughed so hard for so long at something so fucking stupid. I almost wet myself. We recovered sufficiently to pick ourselves up off the floor and enjoy a slightly burnt late night dinner, accompanied by a badly blurred version of one of Arnie's most wooden performances.

Sadly, I vomited most of it out the upstairs window sometime later, including the peas.


( Ken Oath, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 13:17, 13 replies)

If this doesn't win then there's no justice.

(Vigilante Man weeps because you're stupid., Fri 5 Apr 2013, 13:28, closed)

^ What Fat, Dumpy Joanna said.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 14:43, closed)

I approve.

( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Fri 5 Apr 2013, 14:12, closed)

I quite like this.

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 5 Apr 2013, 14:39, closed)

This is tolerably amusing.

( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 14:49, closed)

Damned with faint praise, indeed.
( Ken Oath, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 15:06, closed)

There have probably been worse stories than this.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 16:53, closed)

True. Everything's relative.
( Ken Oath, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 17:11, closed)

This actually made me laugh.

(bat_fudgie, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 20:48, closed)

This is by no means the shittest reply ever.

( 4Q just lurking, Fri 5 Apr 2013, 21:45, closed)

Fuck I love this.
I can so tell you're an ocker aussie!
(Poppet some assembly required., Sat 6 Apr 2013, 1:41, closed)

beautiful. just beautiful.
ftw etc blah blah.
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Mon 8 Apr 2013, 1:52, closed)

Why thank you Janet. Incidently, I have an older sister named Janet. Slightly mad, fearsome temper, likes to shoot feral animals.
( Ken Oath, Mon 8 Apr 2013, 3:45, closed)