Bee & E.
A few years ago we were living in a 'rougher' part of town. It's a beaut house on the corner of a not-so-busy road that is situated across the road from a large expanse of gazetted bush-land. Which was wonderful to walk thru most mornings with bub in her pram. This was our entree into the property market so as you could imagine we were limited with our budget and hence were we could live. No "Marshmallows" in our family unfortunately.
We were quite lucky as the previous owner had been a prolific fruit tree grower and also an apiarist. A tradition we attempted to continue.

The 'rough' element came from the large amount of government supplied housing and the fact that the said government dept. had placed two warring aboriginal families with a long-standing feud in said houses within walking distance of each other. The incidents stemming from this family feud included a drive-by shooting and someone being run over, repeatedly, until they were dead.
Good times. :/

So.. One arvo I've picked the sprog up from Grand Ma's Babysitting service after work whilst the missus was busy studying and what-not.
We've rumbled home - godbless Landcruiser FJ-45 engines. Guaranteed to lull your bub to sleep each & every single time.
Upon arriving home I unlocked our driveway gates and then noticed that the side gate was open. Bub was asleep so I locked the car and ventured towards the backyard.
I found the sliding security door ripped out of it's rails and a brick thrown thru the glass sliding door.
Right next to a full pane window next to the glass sliding door.
With no security screen on it. At all.

So. After I ensured that the car containing bub was locked I ventured into the house. Touching nothing of course & with my tyre iron safely hefted in my hands.
The thieving cunts had nicked anything electronic and worth money including our digital camera and the missus laptop. Once I'd found the house was empty I checked with the neighbours after ringing the cops. Not surprisingly no one heard anything. Including an aluminium sliding door being wrenched out of it's rails and a plate glass door being smashed.

I rang the insurance mob and we had the glass and sliding doors fixed, quick snap. Then came the claim after the forensic cops eventually attended a couple of days later. The forensics lady asked me about where they might have touched the doors.
Then she asked me a question I'd have never expected. She asked me about our bees, in our hive. That we barely kept going other than we had a local bee-keeper come round every now and then to check our hive. Apparently bees have DNA. And it would seem that the person who had broken into our home had been stung by one of our bees.

And was intensely allergic to the sting. And the police could trace the DNA. Eventually. After his mate was caught on CCTV turning him up to Emergency.
Seems he'd already sold his stash to the local Hock shop. & it was long gone. So we got some new stuff thanks the insurance company.
At least he discovered that he was allergic to bee stings. Heaven knows what might have happened otherwise.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Sat 9 Nov 2013, 10:35, 34 replies)

Forensics.
At a small time domestic burglary.

Of course.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sat 9 Nov 2013, 10:45, closed)

You were there?
If so, I need a new apiarist.
Could you help Plummie, please?
Bzzz bzzz bzzzz bzzz bzz bzzzz.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Sat 9 Nov 2013, 10:54, closed)

wait wait wait
How did the forensics team know that the burglar was allergic to bees? Because, you know, they don't look at the DNA deeply enough to find that sort of information.

This story is even more bullshitty than your usual offerings.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sat 9 Nov 2013, 11:05, closed)

You clearly don't know any coppers Plummy.
That's probably a good thing I think.
The the forensics lady noticed we had a bee hive. She asked me about it and took a sample of the honey/wax.
She then (I guess) cross checked with local hospitals for people who had had allergic reactions from bee stings (amazing the thinking power of some of our uni-educated forensic police officers!). & found someone who fitted the bill! Beyond that I'm just guessing but I imagine after they had a match with our bee's DNA and the bee's DNA they would've been able to get from the guy's sting - it would've been like shooting wasps in a paper nest.
Bees have unique DNA to each hive and each queen. Ask an apiarist.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Sat 9 Nov 2013, 11:18, closed)

All that would prove is that he'd been within a couple of miles of your hive. It wouldn't prove he'd burgled your house.

Also, why would entering your garden cause him to be stung by a bee? I'm assuming that you did this on a regular basis without being stung.
( cs1ca, Sun 10 Nov 2013, 18:50, closed)

because it's a made up story with no basis whatsoever in anything approaching real life
Oh yer, Fairholme here gazzed me to let me know that it was indeed me looking stupid here, not the weepy dugong with the overactive imagination.

I think he got that one wrong.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sun 10 Nov 2013, 20:20, closed)

If they'd identified the perp from fingerprints and picked him up at the hospital, where he'd been treated for an allergic reaction to one of his victim's bees, it would be entirely plausible. It would also be the kind of story that would be lazily and inaccurately reported in the local paper, and bogusly reproduced on the internet.
( cs1ca, Mon 11 Nov 2013, 10:37, closed)

http://b3ta.com/questions/theft/post2143011
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Mon 11 Nov 2013, 14:42, closed)

I agree. An almost completely different story with a few similar details would be much more believable, and much less made up.
( cs1ca, Mon 11 Nov 2013, 16:49, closed)

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Sat 9 Nov 2013, 12:17, closed)

You appear to have put a lot of time and effort
into that.

Top job!
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Sat 9 Nov 2013, 12:54, closed)

Any other pictures you could direct me to? Only, you know, it'd be nice to replace the other three as well

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Sat 9 Nov 2013, 12:56, closed)

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dugong

(comedy bully grrrr, Mon 11 Nov 2013, 9:42, closed)

I was once stung by a bee
£10 for a jar of honey!
( Ghoti Fingers, Sat 9 Nov 2013, 15:25, closed)

A bee once stung my on my toe
Which one?

I don't know, all bees look the same to me!
( Ghoti Fingers, Sat 9 Nov 2013, 15:26, closed)

Bee DNA to catch a thief?
Surely now it's a 'F##rholme' as opposed to a 'Marshmallow'?
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Sat 9 Nov 2013, 20:13, closed)

I have to say, I've always stood on the sidelines and not commented on your /QOTW answers in the past with a mild horror at the abuse you tolerate.
But this is the biggest load of bollocks I've seen posted for some considerable time.
( da5id <YOUR SIG HERE>, Sun 10 Nov 2013, 11:27, closed)

Thank you...
I think.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Sun 10 Nov 2013, 21:07, closed)

I could be wrong but if you get stung by a bee is it best to have someone urinate onto the sting from their greasy noodle..
Liemallow, any input?
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Sun 10 Nov 2013, 15:20, closed)

No,
the best thing is an ice pack.
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Sun 10 Nov 2013, 19:21, closed)

Aren't you supposed to use a card
to scrape the sting off so you don't squeeze more venom in?
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Sun 10 Nov 2013, 21:07, closed)

It's already in
by then. Might be worth checking with an apiarist if you know one.
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Sun 10 Nov 2013, 21:57, closed)

Vinegar is the best thing for bee and wasp stings.

( Muns, Mon 11 Nov 2013, 8:48, closed)

No expert but is a wasp sting alkaline and therefore an acid does work on a wasp sting but a bee sting
has a different structure and therefore acids do not work.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Mon 11 Nov 2013, 9:37, closed)

I'm no expert either.
It definitely works for wasp stings, I pick up plenty of the fuckers while working over the summer.

It's been over twenty years since I was last stung by a bee though. Bee stings are apparently acidic though according to a google search, so getting a wasp to sting you in the exact same place would be the best remedy.
( Muns, Mon 11 Nov 2013, 9:47, closed)

superb use of logic. You need to put this on Top Tips.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Mon 11 Nov 2013, 10:15, closed)

Done

( Muns, Mon 11 Nov 2013, 10:45, closed)

Bees have DNA?
So does every living creature, with the possible exception of some viruses (RNA only, I seem to recall).
Sorry Ringo, I look at the shitflingers, and I'm fairly sympathetic, but I'm calling bullshit on this one.
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Sun 10 Nov 2013, 22:34, closed)

As with many stories here -
my tale has an element of truth.

You will find that apiarists (rich and tech savvy ones) can trace bee's genealogy from queen to hive to queen to hive within a localised are using dna analysis techniques.

The fact that the kid's prints were on file may have had more to do with him getting caught as the forensics cop lady managed to also get some fingerprints. But she was the one who asked about the beehive and then took samples.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Mon 11 Nov 2013, 6:39, closed)

So how long until Fa*rholme comes out with 'HAHA! It was all a lie! You have been trolled!' after everyone has gone 'yeah mate that's bollocks, you're fooling no-one, go and have your breakdown quietly.'

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Sun 10 Nov 2013, 23:23, closed)

6:39 GMT I reckon.

(comedy bully grrrr, Mon 11 Nov 2013, 7:51, closed)