Easy Cum...Easy Go?

I only ever had 3 Star Wars Figures…and I inherited them…but they were ‘limited edition’ and therefore very special to me.

They were hand-crafted by Italian master sculptors and were made from core materials extracted from the Nakhlite found in Antarctica that proved the existence of micro-biotic life on Mars.

Each one was encased in purest Rhodium, and when switched on had advanced Artificial Intelligence, animatronic technology, fully functional weaponry and the real ability to use the Force.

My favourite was ‘Ley-Mi Broco’ – The rarest of all Star Wars Characters. He was based on the bisexual love interest from George Lucas’ very first teenage wet dream. Ley-Mi actually features for 0.42 seconds in the Muppets’ Star Wars Special; where he can be spotted behind Fozzie Bear, tenderly fondling a Neomosian goat-pig.

Amongst his list of included accessories was an actual No.1 Edition of 2000AD, hand drawn and signed by José Ferrer on the back of a penny black stamp, shrunk to Star Wars figure size using radioactive miniaturisation techniques outlawed after the famous 'Wilton Midget' incident of the 1950s.

Most impressive was Ley-Mi’s lengthy detachable phallus that only worked in conjunction with my one-of-a-kind Princess Leia ‘Bondage-meat’ figure. She came equipped with capacious vaginal cavity, bendable knee-joints for ‘backdoor battle-damage’ and some genuine pubic hair from Carrie Fisher herself (trimmed without her knowledge during her spacked out, cocaine fuelled ‘Postcards From The Edge’ years).

The Droid I had was ‘4Q2B-atch’, who was a cheeky chappie made from melted down signed vinyl prints of ‘Dark Side of the Moon’. He was capable of showing a holographic projection explaining the meaning of life, the location of Mapungubwe (the lost city of gold), but more importantly detailing the exact whereabouts of the lay-by in Slough where my pr0n collection was stashed.

Most of my lonely childhood was spent blissfully bashing my beef bazooka as I watched Ley-Mi go to work on Leia, teaching her a lesson she sorely needed on her wobble-able right buttock with his rolled up copy of 2000AD…as 4Q2B-atch filmed the glorius, intergalactic goings-on with fervent glee…

So as you can no doubt imagine, these toys were pretty important to me.

However, not even 5 minutes after I had left home for technical college, my mum drugged the Dobermans, bribed the guards with offers of sex, swapped the tapes on the high-tech, night-vision infra-red surveillance cameras, and did a ‘Catherine-Zeta-Jones-esque’ gymnastic number to avoid the complex laser-guided security system; before lifting my collection from its sensor pad, cunningly swapping it with a Tesco Value box of dumpling mix to counter the weight, then twatting the lot into the nearest council skip.

My collection was worth the equivalent of the Japanese National Debt, and upon discovering what she had done I was quite understandably upset…but my mum simply insisted that she 'didn't realise' it meant that much to me because I 'didn’t play with it anymore’, and besides...she ‘needed the loft-space’.

It is only now, as this QOTW has forced me to recall this repressed memory from all those years ago, that I finally understand…and actually… she did have a point...

I mean, they were only toys after all.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Mon 18 Aug 2008, 11:34, 11 replies)

That's good work there
*clicks*
( Cawl, Mon 18 Aug 2008, 11:40, closed)

Hahah, that's an epic and enjoyable story that has stopped me going for a poo for a couple of minutes.
Therefore you get a *click* and I'll bottle a bit of the poo and post it to you.
( ClanSoul, Mon 18 Aug 2008, 11:58, closed)

I'll tell you a secret...

'Ley-Mi Broco' is actually my real Star Wars name...

You know, where you take:

The last three letters of your surname to make the first three letters...

The first two letters of your first name to make the next two letters...

The first three letters of your mother's maiden name to make the next three letters...

and the first two letters of the town or city you were born to make the last two letters.

let's have a 'yay' for extreme nerdiness...

...

..

.

oh
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Mon 18 Aug 2008, 11:59, closed)

You can have a click
and a Yay for extreme nerdiness.

I spoil you....
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 18 Aug 2008, 12:06, closed)

May the clicks be with you Mr Flake!
VZHWHVEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUGH!

*makes low budget light sabre sounds*
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Mon 18 Aug 2008, 12:09, closed)

Gah!
Not another Starwars pisstake post (I suspect the Starwars pisstake posts by now outnumber the genuine Starwars posts). But still, it's well written and I enjoued it. Have a click.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 18 Aug 2008, 12:41, closed)

Nice! I'll give you a click but.....
I'm a little disappointed that you haven't used the word 'cue' in your post.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Mon 18 Aug 2008, 13:01, closed)

Excellent work Mr Flake
Have a click from me too.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Mon 18 Aug 2008, 13:05, closed)

Ley-Mi?
Are you Michael Flatley by any chance?
(jabboy, Mon 18 Aug 2008, 14:43, closed)

I wish to make a complaint:
there weren't enough puns.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 18 Aug 2008, 14:50, closed)

@jabboy...

You have NO IDEA how close you are...

*jibblies*

Edit: @CHCB - I know where your sig is from...crikey I am a sad, sad man.

'This little one's not worth it...let me buy you a drink'
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Mon 18 Aug 2008, 14:57, closed)