gnomes
have you seen the doctor who episode Blink? what you may not know is that it was based on gnomes. they have infiltrated our society in the guise of harmless garden ornaments, but what is their secret agenda? they want to mate with human women to produce a race of human-gnome hybrids, before taking over the fishing industry. just ask yourself, how many of the little fuckers have got fishing rods? you know they're eating your koi while you're asleep.
also, ladies beware: next time you're sunbathing in your gardens, keep an eye open for these plaster perverts. as soon as you close your eyes, they begin to inch closer. NEVER sunbathe naked. if you do, you'll soon be giving birth to a red-hatted midget baby.
how many of you have actually bought a gnome? how many of you have had gnomes already in residence when you've bought your house? they're the real reason the previous owner has sold you that house!
if you have a hedgehog in your garden, be sure to treat it well, they are the unsung heroes in the battle against gnomes. the hedgehogs are our friends.

BE WARNED.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sun 30 Aug 2009, 0:28, 14 replies)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
QUICK! TELL CHCB ABOUT THIS! BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!!!!
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Sun 30 Aug 2009, 1:32, closed)

why? does she have gnomes?
dear god, we may already be too late to save her!
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sun 30 Aug 2009, 1:53, closed)

Shit.
He moved in on Friday. There's no hope.
He only wears the gnome beard and hat on anniversaries and birthdays though.
He does nibble my koi while I'm asleep though.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Sun 30 Aug 2009, 10:37, closed)

BURN THE HAT!
if he's got a fishing rod, break it! all their power is in their hats and rods!
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sun 30 Aug 2009, 20:49, closed)

explains it all, really.
you sir are a goddamn genius. click
( venezuelan beaver cheese is mortally afraid of spoons, Sun 30 Aug 2009, 12:52, closed)

thank you.
keep up the fight against the garden infiltrators!
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sun 30 Aug 2009, 20:50, closed)

is it too late...
...to welcome our new koi-nibbling ceramic overlords with open arms?
( venezuelan beaver cheese is mortally afraid of spoons, Mon 31 Aug 2009, 13:05, closed)

not yet
they haven't made their plans public yet. they know that, as soon as they do, the price of fishing rods will skyrocket.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Tue 1 Sep 2009, 14:28, closed)

keep quiet Mr Monkey Man...
...otherwise you will ruin my nefarious* plan to corner the eBay market in used Fisher-Price fishing rods.

*cackles. time to take my pills now.
( venezuelan beaver cheese is mortally afraid of spoons, Tue 1 Sep 2009, 17:16, closed)

cut me in on the deal
and i shall not reveal your secret.
also, i am not a man.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Tue 1 Sep 2009, 20:39, closed)

Shit!
The bottom of our back garden is full of gnomes! And my parents welcomed them in!
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Sun 30 Aug 2009, 12:55, closed)

your parents may be part of this
do they often pester you for grandchildren? if so, they may already have offered you up to the gnomes for their nefarious breeding scheme.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sun 30 Aug 2009, 20:51, closed)

It must be true
We have a hedgehog in the garden and feed it well.

We have no Gnomes.
(SillyMoo, Tue 1 Sep 2009, 17:59, closed)

*nods head wisely*
you have had a lucky escape
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Tue 1 Sep 2009, 20:40, closed)