Whatever it is,
You know that tw@t Mandelson is involved in it somewhere.
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 13:42, 4 replies)

My paranoid schizophrenic great-uncle
thought that 9/11 was caused by underground Nazis.

Because, he said, "the Arabs couldn't build a bomb to save their lives."

Which, when you think about it, is technically correct.
( Edd: The Unfunny Try-Hard Edgelord, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 13:39, 1 reply)

Daytime TV
Dear old Norman Tebbit makes his (in)famous 'on your bike' speech in 1981.

Within two years, we have all available channels filled with ghastly dross in normal office hours.

If ever there was an incentive to get out of the house, the sheer rubbishness of daytime TV was (and continues to be) one.

(Edit to correct Freudian typo)

Conspiracy? You decide....
(uncle whippity, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 13:11, 6 replies)

Secret underground holding pens....
Apparently, on September 11, all the Jews in both towers took the day of sick but this was covered up.
Also, the aeroplanes were in fact cruise missiles which had been 'dressed up' to look like Boeing 737's.
This is presumably because it's much easier to disguise a cruise missile as an object many times larger than itself (and a different shape) than it is to wire up some actual planes with remote control and pack them full of explosives.
I mean, where would you put the explosives? In that compartment which is, er, specially designed to hold cargo? Or what?
It gets better though. The planes corresponding with the real flight numbers which the 'cruise missiles in disguise' substituted were diverted by military jets - with their payload of passengers - to a remote base in the central states.
Everyone on board was forced into an underground city, where they will live out the rest of their natural lives under armed guard, at the Government's expense.
Because if you're going to kill thousands and thousands of people by crashing cruise missiles into your own cities, the thought of killing 300 odd in a plane crash is just mad. Mad I tell you.
(sparagus14, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 13:07, Reply)

Oh.
I'm gonna keep my mouth shut this week - glass houses and all that :S
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 13:07, Reply)

I'm not answering this QOTW.
They're monitoring the data, tracking the users and They're gonna round up every single one of you that gets onto the best-of page.
The "winners" will be taken into "abandoned" tube stations and tortured with electricity, before "mysteriously" vanishing, forever.

So, if you dislike someone, by all means go click-crazy on their posts.

So, b3ta's all fun and games? That's exactly what They want you to think. They've got this place firmly under Their iron-shod heel.
( Cawl, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 12:50, 4 replies)

Conspiracy? There's an app for that.
Welcome to the new iBlame. Provided with a simple set of environmental data it will construct a logical and plausible way to blame Thatcher for everything.
( MatJ LOOK, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 12:45, 3 replies)

My gran's coal...
Grandad was a miner in the valleys, and grandma got free coal for life after he died. Eventually the Coal Board paid for her to switch to gas, but even into her seventies she still had a weekly delivery of coal and would head out to the coal shed and come back to the kitchen with a scuttle full of coal for the boiler.

One day, though, when we were staying with her, she went out on the morning to get some coal, and found the door open and (she reckoned) some coal gone. She was so shaken she woke my dad, who suggested she'd left the door unlocked the night before.

'Michael - I do NOT leave things unlocked!'

OK, so we played along and tried to calm her - maybe she thought she'd locked it and hadn't. Maybe kids were messing around. But no, she had her own theory - it was the binmen.

'Well, Michael, one of them was Gwen's boy who was thrown out of the social for fighting, and one of them was in school with your cousin and didn't turn up for his O-levels. They're a bad lot, and the bins are right next to the coal shed, see....'

We tried to reassure her it wasn't the binmen, but she didn't believe us.

Next week, when the binmen came round, she told them that she knew what they'd been up to and she wanted to be there whenever they came to empty her bins. They were confused, at best, but sure enough, every week from then on they'd turn up at the crack of dawn on collection day and find my gran waiting for them next to the bins, wearing her dressing gown and smoking a fag, to watch them unload her bins and make sure they stayed away from the coal shed.

As time went by, and she got older, she couldn't always be sure to be up in the morning to watch them, so she came up with a great idea - she got her "gentleman friend" Ron to padlock the bins to the wall. This now meant that if she'd slept through the alarm clock, the long-suffering binmen had to hammer on the door until she got up and threw the keys out from the bedroom window. They were then required to unlock the bins, empty them, re-padlock them, and post the keys back through the letter-box under grandma's watchful gaze from her bedroom window.

This went on until she went into a home aged 87. Even though by then there'd been no coal in the coal-shed for a decade. I'd like to think the binmen miss her...
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 12:28, Reply)

Moon
My sister has been working hard over the past few years, getting over her aversion to science-fiction. She used to say that it was all mindless SFX-laden rubbish, but after years of protestations we got her to actually watch some science fiction, and she enjoyed it, so much so that she actually went to see the new Star Trek film and enjoyed it!

With her new love of sci-fi she suggested recently that we go and see a relatively poorly advertised film called Moon. I'd just moved house and didn't have internet access, so couldn't read anything about the film's plot. I assumed, seeing as it was released in July of this year, that it was a documentary/biopic of the Apollo 11 mission to coincide with the festivities surrounding that. So I was perturbed to hear my dear sis comment to our cousin over dinner in a restaurant that we were going to see a sci-fi film.

"Whoa whoa whoa, it's not science-fiction, it really bloody happened! Don't tell me you believe that conspiracy shit!"
"It's science-fiction Matt, it's about a man who lives on the Moon with a robot..."
"Oh..."

Length? 97 minutes, and it was good, although I can never take Matt Berry seriously after Darkplace...
(Dowbocop, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 12:09, 2 replies)

Tamiflu / IBM's RFID technology
What better way to push out a chemical marker to the stupid people than to get them to apply for the drugs online when they get a cold and without the consultation of a doctor and then give them the drugs free.

AND

The reason America and England have been pushing people to move over to the digital television format is so that frequencies can be made available for RFID technology so people animals and produce can be tracked everywhere.
(TwinkleFuckingToes Has a ingrown toe nail, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 11:52, 5 replies)

Pea-roast while I think of something more convincing
Not so much a conspiracy as some nutter who sat next to me on the bus and talked. And talked. And frightened me...

".. and I'll blast off their kneecaps"
I think I attract nutters. I don't know by what mechanism, or whether I'm just getting a bit paranoid, but having been approached by a guy who claimed to have a warrant for my arrest, a guy who thought I was a male prostitute and several oddballs who have insisted on having lengthy but incomprehensible conversations with me on buses, I think there's some evidence which requires a theory.

Of these bus-ridden oddballs, some I have felt sorry for, some I have just kept nodding politely in the hope that they'll alight at the next stop. (And most of them, I seemed to encounter on the same bus route...) One, however, sticks in my mind because I was fucking terrified.

I was in the window seat as the bus pulled away from the ASDA near Wimbledon Common/Putney Heath and this chap sat down next to me.

"It's a beautiful day, isn't it?" he ventured wistfully as the bus drove along the side of the Common.
Politely, I agreed.
"Not like some of the ones I've seen."
Oh dear. I'm going to get a sob story. It's at least another twenty minutes up to Putney Bridge and I bet he stays on here and talks at me for most of that...
And so he told me his story...well, he mumbled it. From what I can make out, it was a tale of a difficult life somewhere in Africa, and I did feel quite sorry for this fellow. He blamed his home country's government, and he blamed the British government.
"...you can complain all you want, they don't listen to you.They don't care about me. They just tell you to fill in forms and write letters. I'll make them listen...I'll get me a shotgun...march into their offices...and I'll blast off their kneecaps." - and in case there was any ambiguity about this point, he mimed a double-barreled shotgun and made a couple of gunshot noises.
Oh jesus. He's a nutter...
"Blast off their kneecaps and hold a knife to their throats...then they'll listen to me. Then they'll listen to my story."
That's ok...I'm listening, I promise...
And I honestly didn't know what to say. At least with all the others nutters it was easy enough to nod politely, look sympathetic and reply with the occasional "I'm sorry to hear it." But what do you say to a man who's just unfurled his Master Plan, his Final Solution to make the Bastards at Whitehall listen to His Story?

As he continued in this vein - mostly repeating his promise to "blast off their kneecaps" - the bus started to head up the Richmond Road. I was almost drawing in the breath required for a Sigh of Relief, in the knowledge that Putney Bridge was only a couple of minutes away, when:
"I got this book from the library," he said, as he reached into his bag,
"Oh?"

The A4 hardback he produced had various pictures of guns and artillery pieces adorning the front cover. My suspicions that the book's contents were similar were soon confirmed as he flicked through the book,
"I gotta get me one of these...then I'll give them what they deserve..."
Well, it would have been rude not to look. He was pointing at a picture of a Howitzer. A fucking Howitzer. Sorry to hear about your misfortune, mate, and good luck with your one-man shotgun coup, but I doubt even the Texas branches of Wal-Mart are likely to sell you a fully functional artillery-piece.

I've never been more grateful to see Putney Bridge. I think I even managed to stutter out, "well, good luck with it. Nice talking to you..." before making a very rapid break for the doors.

Length? Don't know, but the bore was 155mm...
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 11:52, 3 replies)

I reckon
that everybody sees colours differently. Mabye what I think is green is actually what you see as pink. You wouldn't ever know because you would have learned to associate words with colours that you recognise.
Yes thats right, the spectrum of visible light is conspiring against us all.
(synbag, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 11:44, 11 replies)

South Park takes the prize for best conspiracy theory as far as I'm concerned...
I won't spoil it though.

Watch it here: xrl.in/2zkv

Or read about it here: xrl.in/2zku
(MrKipling43, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 11:23, 2 replies)

Manks
swear i knew this guy for years, but it must have been years ago. the next time i see him i thought he was older than the rest of us, i'd been to see a play, it was late so i joined everyone partying in the woods, it's what we do here.

so he's just chilling in a ditch, join him for a bit. we're sat on this log talking bnp. here's where his speech began, it's going to have to be paraphrased i'm afraid, here goes:

''so there's these three fundamental questions we all have to ask; 'who are we?' 'where did we come from?' 'where are we going?'
now we know we came from star dust and shit, that's roughly where we're heading, but i saw this thing, well it'll take, it has taken thousands of years to see it, light travels fucking far in a year. there's these things that are so big, the edge of our galaxy that are hundreds of lightyears across, think about that, so big, so what are we? yeah but this is the begginning.
right, so yeah.
and we're all here cos we don't know why
erm
but the bnp fucking know this, so we chuck bricks at em, think about it
like the perfect fascist state is a democracy right, cos everyone just thinks it's democracy this is tyranny right now boys.''

next time i saw him he was convinced that ''the more you own; the more they own you'' which is... great.
so aye, the bnp stuff, he goes on

''right so we hack nick griffins bnpfb and say he's ghey and wants the other guy from snp and his bumhole. so then we hack his and say he's ghey. shit kicks off. the whole entire of the whole entire bnp and snp were demobilized for like two years we set em back, fuckers''

this is just what this guy says, he's convinced that england is 'tyranny' and 'oppression' with measures in little else the fucking dole budgie. although i have to say i read a couple of david icke books, he's great, looks like a lizard to me, funny stuff
(roddan, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 11:21, 2 replies)

Hitler's hat
Hitler was kind of obsessed by conspiracies against him, oddly enough.
But his hat wasn't made out of tinfoil. It was made from tungsten, and weighed four pounds.
Fact.
(mudskipper, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 11:14, 3 replies)

There's a guy in my local chip shop
Swears he's Elvis.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Fri 28 Aug 2009, 10:46, 7 replies)

Maori Elvis
I used to work for a particularly sad tabloid called The New Zealand Truth (imagine some gruesome hybrid of the Sport, Sun, and Mail, dumbed down for the stupidest 10% of the population - we used to get letters written in crayon).
One of the chief reporter's regular phone pests was Elvis. It seems that he had indeed faked his death, and had moved to the Waikato region of NZ. Not only that, but he'd had a race change, and had his height surgically shortened. He would explain all this to our reporter in an uncertain Memphis drawl which would periodically lapse into a guttural Maori accent.
We were unconvinced.
(mudskipper, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 10:45, 2 replies)

All your boats are belong to us now.
My current boss is a chap from Ireland. Let us call him Connor, for 'tis his name. He works in London and regularly flies over to Dublin, where his family lives.

Now Connor has 2 cars: 1 in Ireland and 1 in the UK. Both BMW 3 series estates. Both black. Now I always used to assume that the reason he had the 2 cars is that it was a: some kind of tax dodge or b: it worked out cheaper. Well. No.

One day, Connor and I were in the office working away.

"Fecking tieving borstords" I heard from his desk.

"Con my dear man, what seems to be the problem?" I asked

"Aer Fecking Lingus want me to pay £200 return from London to Dobh this weekend. Fock that!"

"Well, why not take the ferry? It'll be cheaper."

"Well no....Oi cannat take the ferry."

"Why not?"

Well, it turns out that Connor's uncle was...how shall we delicately put this....involved in the troubles. It turns out that one of his best friends was once on board the Holyhead to Dun Laghoire ferry when a small boat of masked men (according to Con's uncle, British Special Forces) jumped on the ferry, grabbed this bloke and sailed off into the sunset. The fact that at the time, Connor's uncle was so pissed he was unable to count how many hands he had was beside the point. Anyway, he put the fear of God into Connor. Nobody else in the family cared, and realised Connor's uncle was just a bit too fond of the potato firewater.

Howver, Connor has convinced himself, and more worryingly his sensible (if somewhat dowdy) wife that if they go on the ferry, they are going to be abducted by the SAS dressed as pirates.

I took it seriously myself for a while, but now I realise that they are both just Con's piracy theory nutters.
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Fri 28 Aug 2009, 10:40, 6 replies)

Them Sikhs
My mum believes Sikh men have been systematically buggering each other for centuries because they're trying to produce some sort of immortal messiah-type character.

She's 80.
(mudskipper, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 10:35, Reply)

Apparently
The government now controls:
- What you can do to your house
- Most of the schools - even the teachers are on the government payroll
- Most of the hospitals - all those nurses - they're working for the govt!
- The roads ... and you can't use your car on them unless they let you.
- And lots of other stuff

And they take money out of your pay packet to pay for military secret projects and stuff.

It's true I tell you!
(Neil_E_There didn't the Aussies used to be good at cricket?, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 10:27, 1 reply)

Porn Sites
A huge conspiracy theory, THEY want you to believe that every woman out
there will drop her knickers and do anything you want if you just ask
her. They all let you cum on their faces and love it, will swallow
like an Aquavac, the more of you there are the more she likes it, all
schoolgirls (they look well over 20 usually) wear stockings and
suspenders, all women are lesbian exhibitionists and 18 year olds
prefer men over 40.

Hang on, here come the nurses with my medication, ready to fellate me
while they put on a show...................



Where's that cold shower????
(Underpants, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 10:16, 2 replies)

Apparently Philip Schofield is a bear in disguise.
He's intergrating into human life to see how things are run. So when they take over they won't have any problems. The government know about this but won't say anything due to the panic it may cause.
( BindiBaji, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 10:01, 5 replies)

HQS & STCC
I am a Hubbard Qualified Scientologist.

Where shall I start? :0)
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 10:00, 1 reply)

Liberal elite
If you spend more than about three minutes listening to Peter Hitchens, "Mad" Mel Phillips, or George Pitcher (a particularly concrete-brained blogger on the Telegraph website), you'll be introduced to the idea of a "liberal elite" that runs the country and is fuelled by nought save the distilled essence of politicalcorrectnessgonemadinnit.

This liberal elite is guilty of many, many crimes: they think that a non-commercial BBC is a good idea; they don't hate foreigners and the EU; they don't believe that the government wants to raise tax for tax' sake; they like the idea of public spending on schools and hospitals; they insist on using such tools as facts, evidence and clear argument in debate(which is clearly cheating); they believe the official crime figures rather than the taboid headlines; they think that prison doesn't work and actually increases criminality; they're systematically sceptical and methodologically naturalistic; there's probably more.

Now, my question is this: If there is a liberal elite, it sounds like quite a nice group of people. How does one join?
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:58, 3 replies)

Hi. My names santas and im a conspiracy theory nutter.
no funny stuff in this one, i love my conspiracy theories, I think Diana was murdered, as was Kurt Cobain, I dont believe in Area 51, theres too much hype about it, I think area 51 is actually a decoy, attracting UFOlogists, whereas the actual place where they keep the aliens is somewhere inconspicuous. haha. I dont mind being that strange girl who no one really likes. I like me and thats enough haha either that or this chip that the government planted in my brain to alter my reality isnt working right now :D
(santas_lil_hohoho is packing her vibrator suitcase, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:50, 5 replies)

It's in the sky
There's like this big all powerful thing that controls everything, that created everything and can do, like, anything if it wants to. It just doesn't do it all the time 'cos that would give the game away.

I know this 'cos I saw it written down somewhere in some old book ... called the Bible or something.

(Sorry forgot the caps lock, and variety of fonts, colours and styles, and mile long web page.)
(Neil_E_There didn't the Aussies used to be good at cricket?, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:49, Reply)

I saw Michael today.
At the shops. He was working in HMV. He says 'Hi'. Sadly we couldn't stay and chat as his boss, Elvis, came over to shout at him. Very surreal.
(xerophytic has no idea, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 9:16, Reply)

I
was at a birthday party a few weeks ago and bumped into the brother of someone I know.

He's about 25 years old and sadly, is completely off his rocker. I'm quite a cynic and will make decisions about things based on things that happen to me, but this bloke would take anything you said and believe it above all else. Tell him that the Police force is made deliberatly made up of racists so that the government can get rid of all Asians in the country, and he'll believe it until the day he dies.

To give you some idea, I've just found his facebook page; his statuses are as such, in order:

"open your eyes; swine flu is the next false flag attack"
"Alternative perception"
"Infinite Consciousness is the only truth, everything else is illusion's Wall."
"Say no to the vaccine"
"7/7 was an inside job"
"Boycott the mainstream media"

...and so on.

At this party he was relentless. I popped outside to have a smoke and he was there - coked up to the nines and speaking at the speed of sound.

In the 10 mins I was outside smoking, I learned that the Jews rule the world, the Rockerfeller family were implanted into the US to ensure that Britain could keep an eye on things, everything breaks down into fractals (I made the fatal mistake of actually interjecting a question at this point about Mandelbrot) and the world around us is an illusion, something about Gaza (although what old footballers have to do with the New World Order is beyond me), how the holocaust, whislt it did apparently happen, it didn't happen on the scale *they* would have us believe, again I made the mistake of actually having read about some of the holocaust-denying websites, asking a question. The WTC was (obviously) carried out by the US government - when I asked why or what advantage it would give them, I was greeted with a knowing look and a slight nod of the head. The tyrade went on and on - until he said, "I like you, everyone else's eyes just glaze over when I start talking and they make excuses and leave".

That's when I said "I'd better go and speak to my girlfriend or she'll be mad that I've left her in there on her own."

I think the irony was lost on him to be honest.

He's about 25 years old. I'll grant you that some of his arguments were quite convincing as he'd clearly researched EVERYTHING to the n'th degree, but I can't help wondering which mental institution he's going to be at in about 10 years, and wether or not that will be because "they know I'm telling the truth. That's why they've locked me up in here...."
(dchurch bah, Fri 28 Aug 2009, 7:45, 7 replies)