BERLIN, PIMP OTTERS, AND JEFF'S WEIRD PLANE THING
One time a bloke I used to work with and I had to fly out to Berlin for a spot of tidy-up work after a business deal went a bit poo. The shit had not only metaphorically hit the fan, but had also covered the ceiling and floor, the table the fan was on, the wall behind the fan, and the small trembling orphan child who had just (metaphorically speaking again) switched the fan on. And working for a company that wasn’t into orphan skat encounters of any kind, the two of us were sent over to, metaphorically, suck some German cock (though after a few Jagermeisters this may actually have become a very distinct real posibility) and make all the badness go away.

He was a very normal bloke, Jeff. From Harrow. Nice fella. That was until we got onto the 737.

That’s when Jeff turned round and said, very calmly, “Dunno how I’m gonna do this – I need to stay awake through the flight and I’m knackered.” It was a very early flight, we’d both been up since 3am and I for one was planning on getting a little snooze in before we touched down in the land of punctuality, good saloon cars, and excellent woman-on-woman porn. I asked Jeff why he had to stay awake, I advised him I was going to get a bit of shut eye and he should do the same. Then Jeff said, without batting an eyelid: “If I fall asleep we’ll crash.” My first response was to say: are you shitting me? But instead I raised my eyebrows very slightly, as if beckoning Jeff to expand on his rather peculiar statement, and he did: “I’ve never ever slept on a plane. But I know, I just KNOW that if I do sleep, if I’m not concentrating on the plane not falling out of the sky, we’ll crash...”

“Jeff, that’s... I mean... How... Are you shitting me???”

Then Jeff qualified his statement with some pure logic, something that I really had no argument for: “All the times I’ve flown I’ve kept awake. Always,” and then came the clincher. “And not once have I crashed.” He even sat back with a smug little grin on his face. I was tired and a little bit scared – Jeff, who seemed so normal, was actually a bit of a fucking lunatic. So I waited until we were in the air and then had a bit of a snooze. Everyone else on the flight who wasn’t mental was doing the same. Which left Jeff who sat there bolt upright trying to keep his eyes open.

The flight went quiet as the assembled contents of the cabin had a bit of kip. Its always nice sleeping on public transport, I find. Well, its always nice to sleep with a load of strangers. After twenty minutes or so enjoying a lovely dream about talking pimp otters who found a packet of McVities chocolate biscuits the size of a bus, and the naked otter queen who was actually my old Humanities teacher who wanted to give me a giant chocolate biscuit in return for jangling my love spuds, I was awoken by: “AAAAGGGGHHHHH!!! WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!” Or words to that effect. Jeff, it turns out, had momentarily nodded off only to shock himself back into the world of the living with this cheery little quip.

The whole flight collectively shat itself. Then the whole flight grumbled and decided it probably wasn’t a good idea to try and sleep. There was the occasional but very audible: “Wanker,” in a Geordie accent from further behind us as the hubub of annoied talking ebbed and flowed and bounced off the cabin walls.

As I waited for the drinks trolly so I could order a cup of steaming hot mud (also known as Ryanair coffee) in an attempt to wake up properly, I felt an insistent tap on my shoulder. I turned to Jeff, who had a great big stupid shit-eating grin on his face: “That was fucking close wasn’t it?” He said.

Wanker, I thought...
( SpankyHanky, Tue 1 Sep 2009, 10:29, 7 replies)

Don't know whats worse
having to get a flight with this weirdo or having to go to berlin. lovely work, spanky.
(Lizard King, Tue 1 Sep 2009, 11:54, closed)

Berlin is
all kinds of excellent. It's the second-best city in Europe, after London of course.

Loads of fucking Germans though.
( chart cat has an itch, Tue 1 Sep 2009, 12:38, closed)

Couldn't agree more, mate
Berlin is fucking great! Its a sexual deviants paradise.
( SpankyHanky, Tue 1 Sep 2009, 13:27, closed)

Berlin is brill
I want to go back again.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Tue 1 Sep 2009, 13:28, closed)

Luckily they flew ryanair
so didn't actually land anywhere near Berlin
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Tue 1 Sep 2009, 12:17, closed)

Was it easyJet or Ryanair...
...that landed in the neighbouring country to the city they claimed to be flying to?
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Tue 1 Sep 2009, 13:29, closed)

I think it was Ryan Air
They flew to 'Copenhagen', but landed in Malmo in Sweden.
(The Kwyjibo A big, dumb, balding North American ape., Tue 1 Sep 2009, 16:26, closed)