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This is a question Training courses, seminars and conferences

Inspirational or a waste of precious slacking-off time? I once went on a buzzword bingo-laden training course which ended up with my being held at gunpoint in public. Could have gone better, to be honest. Tell us your tales from either side of the lectern

(, Thu 15 Mar 2012, 15:01)
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In my last job we were given some 'optional' training hours
The 'optional' is in inverted commas because the MD was (and still is) a massive control freak. So, when the two-day sales meetings were being arranged we had to sign up for these 'optional' extra training hours in the evenings - instead of trying to beat last month's world-debt-equalling bar bill. The one which was best subscribed was the one we ALL had to attend. It came to pass that the first course was a 'Self defence' course in a local (MK) sports centre. I looked at the course principal's name and hatched a plan.....
Everyone (except me) had assembled on the mat in their 'loose clothing - appropriate for exercise' ready for their taster session - apparently there was some discussion between the MD and my immediate boss as to the sanctions they were going to impose for my lateness - when I burst into the room looking wild-eyed and drunk. I rushed onto the mat and proceeded, with some choice expletives from me and the appropriate grunts and howls of pain from my victim, to (apparently) beat seven shades and textures of shit from the instructor.
Not one of my colleagues moved a muscle. No-one even attempted to help the poor man who was, to their eyes, being horrifically assaulted by a drunken Captain Placid.
With the instructor curled in a foetal ball whimpering I turned to the stunned line of my colleagues and screamed 'RIGHT, WHO FUCKING WANTS SOME - COME ON - WHO FUCKING WANTS SOME!!!'
I have never* seen my managers look so terrified.
They took it in good part when the instructor** got up laughing his bollocks off - patted me on the back and told the stunned audience that we'd known each other and trained together for the best part of fifteen years, the punchup was a setup and they'd all done exactly what he'd expected them to do - they froze.
His parting words to them were "Don't feel bad, you did what 99% of the population would do - if you take anything away from this just remember - run and get help, call the police, get as much information memorised as you can but stay safe yourself because you obviously can't help".

My colleagues and I got very drunk that night, the MD & my manager went back to their hotel rooms. Ah well, happy days & all that.

*Until I reminded him of the course on the day he made me redundant - No-one would volunteer to 'escort me from the premises'.
**Thoroughly nice guy, held several black belts in various arts and had been a RAF regiment close combat instructor, I'm really glad he didn't fight back, he would've torn me into very small pieces!!
(, Thu 22 Mar 2012, 8:46, 14 replies)
Maybe we need to have a script to
embolden asterisks - * cause I had trouble finding yours.
(, Thu 22 Mar 2012, 9:09, closed)

Too much wanking, makes you blind.
(, Thu 22 Mar 2012, 9:16, closed)

Waht?!
(, Thu 22 Mar 2012, 9:59, closed)
If I'd been there,
I'd have roundhoused you so hard, your corpse would have landed in the nearest bin, and the cops wouldn't have given a shit. If I'd been having a particularly bad day, your head would have parted from your shoulders.
(, Thu 22 Mar 2012, 9:19, closed)
Is that your Honda Accord outside, sir?
Only it's got two bald tyres and the tax disk expired six weeks ago.
(, Thu 22 Mar 2012, 9:56, closed)
This is like HONDA ACCORD TOP TRUMPS™.

(, Thu 22 Mar 2012, 9:59, closed)
Needs....
more massive drugs.
(, Thu 22 Mar 2012, 10:33, closed)
Mr Placid
I must say I have always enjoyed your stories but you are one angry mother fucker in all of them, have you tried an angry wank?
(, Thu 22 Mar 2012, 10:02, closed)
Thanks for the reply
I am, as the name implies, a pretty placid person. In fact the name was coined by some mates to describe my general demeanour. I've found that those who rant and rave regularly get far less effect because of that very regularity, I, on the other hand, get far better 'shock value' from shouting and/or snarly nastiness because of the rarity value. YMMV
(, Thu 22 Mar 2012, 10:36, closed)
Whatabout 'Captain Bitter'?
Every post you make is about their first mistake being to make you redundant, but you've had the last laugh what with having A FANTASTIC NEW JOB EARNING MILLIONS MORE AND HAVING STOLEN ALL THEIR CLIENTS HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Just leave it, walk away. Stop being the little fat bald bitter man still surfacing at all the work outings to SHOW THEM WHAT A BIG MISTAKE [email protected] MADE. Nobody escorted you out of the building because you're deeply unpopular and you smell, not because of your mad ninja skillz.
(, Thu 22 Mar 2012, 10:51, closed)
'Golf claps'

(, Thu 22 Mar 2012, 10:54, closed)
I'm here all week

(, Thu 22 Mar 2012, 10:57, closed)
I love you Captain.
Any chance of a bunk up? I think you would be an animal in bed.
(, Thu 22 Mar 2012, 11:02, closed)
I would've sharpened a pencil on the instructor's head.
Nobody would fucking mess with me after that.
(, Thu 22 Mar 2012, 10:08, closed)

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